CHARACTERS EVAN: 40s. A rugged actor/bartender who is a master of manipulation. GABBY: 31. A lovelorn bar customer on a mission. DANIEL: 30s. A “nice Jewish boy” bar customer. TIME Late December, 2013. 3pm on a Tuesday. PLACE A NYC dive-bar in Hell’s Kitchen. SETTING: Inside a NYC dive bar. GABBY Ahem. EVAN Oh! Why, hello perfect stranger. GABBY Hello, Bar Keep. (He pours her a glass of water.) EVAN Nice shoes. Where you headed? GABBY Oh, I have a, it’s a thing. A work thing. EVAN Ah, came here to pre-game did ya? GABBY You got it. EVAN (mocking) Let me guess, Sangria. Red or white? GABBY Do I look that basic to you? I want something real. A Sidecar. EVAN Are you 90? My grandfather used to drink those. GABBY I want what I want. EVAN Pick something else. I don’t remember how to make that. GABBY You never remember. EVAN What? GABBY That’s what I ordered last time. EVAN Sorry, I was probably drunk. Like right now. GABBY You know, bartending might not be the best job for an alcoholic. EVAN Ah, but, I’m a functional alcoholic! It’s like that old saying, “my wife never knew I drank until I came home sober.” Do a shot with me. Then I’ll make you your side piece. GABBY Sidecar. EVAN Yeah, whatever. (He winks and pours her two shots of Fireball.) You’re not wearing the shirt. GABBY What shirt? EVAN My favorite one. The see-through one. GABBY It’s a little cold out. EVAN If you take your top off for the bartender, you get a free drink. GABBY Oh, is that how it works? EVAN Here’s to see-through shirts and all the inspiration they bring. Cheers. (They drink.) GABBY Hit me again. Let’s drink to…your beard. EVAN You’re crazy. (She strokes his beard.) GABBY Soon you’ll be able to nest baby birds in there. Is that thegoal? EVAN Absolutely. It’s my new calling. Anything would beat bartending at this point. GABBY Wait! Eye contact! If there’s no eye contact, it’s bad sex for 7 years. EVAN Well, we certainly can’t have that. (They make intentional eye contact and drink.) GABBY Shit, I’m gonna be so wasted before I even get to this…work thing. You’re gonna get me fired. EVAN Are you saying I’m a bad influence? I wonder what it’s like to be a bad influence on someone’s life. GABBY’ Define “bad.” (She places her hand on top of his. It lingers for a moment. Evan abruptly pulls away.) EVAN You know what I mean. Not here. GABBY Why not? EVAN You know why not. (pause) Ugh. Where are all the people? GABBY It’s Tuesday and it’s right after Christmas. Everyone’s still out of town. (coyly) But, I’m here and I would like to be serviced. Now fetch me my drink! Brandy. Lemon juice. Triple Sex. Uh, Sec. (She eyes him as he prepares the drink and shakes the ice-filled strainer) I like when it’s dead. I get all the attention for myself. EVAN Yeah, but then Daddy makes no money. GABBY Psssh, I’ll tip you. By playing just the tip. EVAN White girls can’t hold their liquor. (He pours the drink into her glass) Your cocktail, Madame. Sip it slowly now, You don’t want to take it all in your mouth at once. (She puts the rim seductively to her mouth, her eyes never leaving him. She licks the rim. Distracted, he knocks over her water glass, splashing the bar and himself.) EVAN Oh crap! GABBY (laughs) You’re all wet. EVAN That’s supposed to be you. Ugh. I was supposed to be a working actor by now. But, you know, this is fun too. (He cleans up the spill with a dirty rag.) GABBY You’ll make it. Persistence pays off. Or at least it should. Can I have a burger? EVAN How do you want it? GABBY Raw and bleeding. EVAN Don’t you have to go soon? For your work thing? GABBY I lied. I just wanted to see you. EVAN You wore all that just for me? GABBY Maybe. And these heels were not made for walkin.’ EVAN (turns away to restock the bar) So, what have you been up to? I haven’t seen you since before the…before. I have no idea what’s going on in your life. You left social media. GABBY It’s just a temporary leave. EVAN I could never. I needs my likes! If you don’t wake up to likes everyday, how are you supposed to like yourself? GABBY Do you not get enough validation from me? EVAN Why’d you leave the Book of Face? It wasn’t because of me, was it? GABBY I got really depressed and I just didn’t need the world watching while I spiraled, you know? Lately I’ve been feeling like maybe running into traffic isn’t such a terrible idea. EVAN I’ve been there. After my last marriage fell apart, I’d get really wasted and get in my car and speed down the road, just hoping to crash and die or get arrested. Whichever came first. I was trying to destroy myself. But I’m glad I didn’t. I got a second chance when I didn’t deserve it. So don’t you run into traffic. You still have too much to offer the world. GABBY I just feel like I’m in a holding pattern. I’m going nowhere while everything and everyone around me is changing and moving forward. EVAN Not everything has to change. We can still be friends. If you want. GABBY Of course I want. EVAN Good. It’s settled then. GABBY Wait, what exactly do you mean by “friends?” EVAN Like, we can still do innocuous stuff. Message on occasion and say hello and catch up. GABBY But not like before? EVAN Obviously it can’t be like before. GABBY How come? EVAN I need to be a better man. I promised. GABBY (pause) Then why don’t you wear your ring to work? EVAN (pause) Bigger tips without it. GABBY From girls like me? EVAN Exactly. GABBY Do you ever…you know. With them? EVAN Who? GABBY Other drunk bar girls. Or your 22 year old hostess who obviously has Daddy issues. You never took five and went to the bathroom together? EVAN No, of course not. GABBY So it was just me then? EVAN Just you. GABBY And she doesn’t know? EVAN There’s nothing to know. Because nothing happened. GABBY These past three years have been nothing?! EVAN Gabby, keep your voice down. GABBY Why’d you get married again anyway? EVAN She stuck it out with me long enough. It was time. GABBY (sarcastic) That’s romantic. EVAN (pause) She thinks I’m a good person. GABBY How is it that I know you better than your own wife? (pause) Did no one wonder why I wasn’t invited last month? All those mutual friends at the wedding and not one person asked, hey, where’s Gabby? EVAN I just told people you couldn’t make it. GABBY I might as well have been there. I still saw the flood of social media Congratulations. As if getting married is the best thing a woman can do with her life. And the pictures. Dear God, the pictures of the hideous vintage dress and the happiness and the kissing and the- I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. EVAN I’m sorry. GABBY And now I’m not allowed to comment on your page, I can’t tag you, I can’t message you at certain times of the day. No one can even know we talk to each other! EVAN That’s the way it has to be. And you can’t just show up here anymore either. You have to ask if it’s a good time. GABBY Oh good, more rules. I’m sorry, is now a good time? EVAN Thankfully, yes, but it could have been bad What if she was here today? She’s here a lot. GABBY Yeah. To babysit you. EVAN No, because she’s my wife and she wants to spend time with me. GABBY She gets you all day, everyday for the rest of her life. I just want a couple hours a week to see your face. I’ll follow your rules, but you have to give me something. EVAN I’ve got somethin’ for ya. Your nice juicy piece of meat should be right out. Maybe that’ll satisfy you. GABBY I doubt it. EVAN You’re insatiable. (pause) Didn’t we get it out of our systems last time? GABBY There’s no such thing. Every little taste just makes me want more. EVAN You know I can’t give you more. Look. When you meet the right person, you’ll know. You’re what, 35 now? GABBY 31. Rude. EVAN Still. It’s time to find a nice Jewish boy who will make a lot of money and treat you well. You’re not getting any younger. GABBY Thanks, Mom. EVAN I’m serious. You’re too old to be playing with other people’s lives. You get off on these games where the only person who loses is you. GABBY You think this is a game, Evan? I’m fucking in love with you. EVAN No you’re not. GABBY I keep showing up here to drink and stuff my face with burgers and I don’t even like red meat. (Evan doesn’t laugh.) That time you broke your arm and I conned Vicodin off of my roommate and took 3 subways to get to you to help take away your pain? Was that not love? Or when you were having panic attacks before the wedding and couldn’t sleep, so I slipped you some Xanax while she was at work? EVAN Basically, you’re my drug pusher. Why do you have Xanax anyway? GABBY Doctor’s prescription. Last month he had me fill out a “How Depressed and Anxious Are You?” form. I guess I aced it. EVAN My ex-wife takes Xanax too. GABBY Not surprising. They should just put your face on the bottle. EVAN Funny. GABBY How about when you were performing upstate, I mean, before you became a bartender and gave up on yourself, and I took a 5 hour bus ride to see your show and hide out in a hotel room. What would you call that? EVAN You think I gave up? GABBY I do. You did! You have all of this talent and potential, but you settled for the simple and safe and easy. That’s why you got married again. She has money, a co-op, she overlooked your shitty past and you thought, hmmm this is a nice place to land. But you know what I think? I think you like that at any moment, you could lose everything. EVAN Trust me. If I were single, you wouldn’t want me anymore. GABBY That’s not true. That’s not true at all. I don’t like playing with your life, Evan. You think I enjoy being on the side? I hate it. But I’d rather have a piece of you than nothing at all. (pause) We can’t just be friends. You know it. Whatever this thing is, it doesn’t go away. No matter how much we may want it to. If I were unavailable, you’d be the one running after me. EVAN Naw, I’d be rooting for you to get laid. GABBY I don’t think so. (pause) You think you have all the power here. EVAN I think you’re drunk. GABBY You think you can just dismiss me at will. Ignore me when she’s home, invite me over when she’s out of town. But you know what? I have the power. Because I could tell her everything. Hell, why just tell her when I could show her? Years of pictures and videos- EVAN You swore you deleted those. (Gabby shrugs) You wouldn’t do it. GABBY How do you know? EVAN Because. Then you’d have to give me up. Is that what you want? GABBY Do you want to give me up? EVAN I want you to be happy. Not all sad and alone. You should move on. Find a proper boyfriend. (They stare at each other. DANIEL walks in and sits down next to Gabby. He wears khakis and a tucked-in button down shirt. He looks like a nice Jewish boy.) EVAN What can I get for you, sir? DANIEL I’ll have a Dark and Stormy. Seems appropo. Something’s brewing out there. GABBY Do you know how to make that one? EVAN Shut up. (to Daniel) Where you comin’ from? DANIEL I was just at a film screening downtown. They show a lot of the old classics. Kind of a Jewish Christmas tradition. Chinese food and movies. Have you ever seen, “The Root of All Evil?” EVAN Yep, she’s right here. GABBY Shut up. DANIEL Oh, are you two together? GABBY Naw, we’re just friends. EVAN We go way back. Old, old friends. Cuz she’s old. GABBY Yep, I’m a regular spinster. Send me out to pasture ‘cause I’m too decrepit for men to find me attractive anymore. In the olden days, I would have been dead already. That’s why people got married back then. They knew it wouldn’t have to last too long. EVAN It’s a wonder she’s single! GABBY Thanks, Evan! What a great wing man you are! DANIEL Wow, you need some cheering up I think. Next drink’s on me. GABBY Thank you, that’s sweet. (Evan turns away to fix Daniel’s drink.) DANIEL Single? I find that hard to believe. You’re very attractive. How are you not taken? GABBY I fell for someone who didn’t appreciate what he had. DANIEL Poor guy must’ve been blind. Hi. I’m Daniel. GABBY Gabby. DANIEL I know this might be a little forward, and also totally cliche, but, what the hell, it’s the holidays. Would you like to go out sometime? Like, formally? Dinner or something? GABBY Actually, this might be a little forward but- (She notices Evan about to turn around. She grabs Daniel and kisses him. Evan sees the lip lock as he gives Dan his drink.) GABBY Gosh, I don’t know what it is about you, Dan, was it? I just find myself inexplicably drawn to you. Must be that holiday magic in the air. I should get going though. Can I get your number? It was so nice to meet you. DANIEL Here’s my card. I’m in trades. It’s boring but being able to live on 5th avenue makes up for that. GABBY I bet! (Gabby brushes Daniel’s shoulder as she heads for the exit. Evan intercepts her.) EVAN You’re leaving? GABBY It’s time for me to move on, friend. You’ve made that very clear. EVAN Don’t go. GABBY I think I’ll give Dan a call. He seems nice. Like a good proper boyfriend. EVAN Come outside. GABBY Why? EVAN Just come outside with me for a second. (calling to the back of the bar) I’m taking a 5. (They exit the bar. He pushes her up against a brick wall and slides his hand up her skirt.) EVAN (CONT’D) I wanted you all day. From the second you texted you’d be stopping by. I live with her now. You know how…hard it is…to find a moment alone. GABBY (breathless) You said it wasn’t gonna happen again. EVAN It didn’t. This never happened. (They kiss and grope at each other as if their lives depended on it. Lights fade to black.) END OF PLAY About the Artist Rori Nogee is an actor, singer, playwright and composer/lyricist. She has performed on and off-Broadway, at Carnegie Hall, and in regional theaters around the country. Rori wrote book, music and lyrics for Siren’s Den: A Rock Musical, (available on Spotify and iTunes) and the folk rock musical, The Impatiens. Her full length play, Aftershocks, was produced at Theater for the New City and the NY Winterfest(nominated for Best Play.) Her original music has been heard at venues including 54 Below, The Cutting Room, Green Room 42, and Breaking Sound NYC at PinkFrog Cafe. She is a recipient of the City Artist Corps Grant. www.rorinogee.com
A SIDECAR NAMED DESIRE
AT RISE: It is 3pm on a late December Tuesday. The bar is dimly lit and nearly empty. Pop music plays in the background. Tinsel and other Christmas decorations hang from the ceiling. EVAN, a masculine 40 something bartender checks his phone while leaning on the bar. He intermittently looks up to stare at the door. GABBY, 31, walks in. She is noticeably over-dressed for a Tuesday in miniskirt and high
heels. Evan immediately goes back to his phone, pretending he wasn’t expecting her. Gabby sits on a bar stool right in front of him.
