By The Cover
Characters
Dana, 20’s – 40’s
Don, 20’s – 40’s
Mrs. Matteson, 60’s – 80’s
Setting: Dana’s Apartment/Mrs. Matteson’s BookStore, Early Evening
Dana, 20’s – 40’s
Don, 20’s – 40’s
Mrs. Matteson, 60’s – 80’s
Setting: Dana’s Apartment/Mrs. Matteson’s BookStore, Early Evening
“If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t **** ‘em!”
~ John Waters
“By the Cover”
(DANA and DON enter DANA’s apartment. There are books
everywhere, but it doesn’t appear messy. It looks like one of those
cozy apartments where the resident is an avid reader. It comes off
as charming and attractive.)
DANA
Sorry about the mess.
DON
No, this is–Wow! Look at all these books.
DANA
I know, I know. I love to read.
DON
You must. This is quite the collection.
DANA
I just can’t help myself. I go into a bookstore and the next thing I know I
have this pile next to my–
DON
I use the library.
DANA
Oh, I do too! I do too. I just–I guess there are some books I like owning as
well. I don’t know.
DON
What bookstore do you go to?
DANA
Do you know that really adorable one down by Harbor Avenue?
DON
Yeah, uh–Mrs. Something Something?
DANA
She lets you just grab a bag, and for twenty bucks, you fill the bag up.
It’s–I mean, what a great deal.
She lets you just grab a bag, and for twenty bucks, you fill the bag up.
It’s–I mean, what a great deal.
DON
That is a great deal.
DANA
So I go there once a week, and I fill up my bag.
DON
I think that’s great. Nothing wrong with a house full of books.
DANA
One day I’ll get around to reading all of them.
DON
I say the same thing about the pile next to my bed.
DANA
You know, I heard, even if you don’t read all of them, just having books
around is supposed to be great for your mental health.
You know, I heard, even if you don’t read all of them, just having books
around is supposed to be great for your mental health.
DON
I can believe that.
DANA
Well, uh, I’m just going to go, um, freshen up, and then we can, uh–
DON
Sure, by all means.
DANA
Be right back.
(DANA smiles at DON and then exits. DON picks up a book off a
nearby shelf and begins leafing through it. DANA re-enters a
moment later.)
I’m so sorry. I can’t believe how rude I am. Would you like a drink or–
DON
Is this a gag book?
Is this a gag book?
(A beat.)
DANA
A gag book?
DON
Yeah.
Yeah.
DANA
Why would it be a gag book?
DON
Well, because there’s nothing in it.
DANA
No, it–I think that’s–Isn’t that a vintage copy of Cannery Row?
DON
No, it’s–Here, look.
(DON hands DANA the book. DANA looks through it.)
DANA
Huh. I guess I never really looked through it when I bought it. I just liked
the cover and I always wanted to read Cannery Row.
DON
It’s probably just a publishing error or something.
DANA
Huh.
DON
You could return it
DANA
Oh no, that’s not–I mean, I got it for so cheap. Plus, you know, buyer
beware. I should have looked at it before I–
Oh no, that’s not–I mean, I got it for so cheap. Plus, you know, buyer
beware. I should have looked at it before I–
DON
But you bought the book. You should get what you paid for.
DANA
Poor Mrs. Matteson probably gets printing errors from the–whoever gets
her these books. It might even have been donated. She can’t go through all
of them. She’s a little old lady. I’ll just be more careful next time I’m in
her store. Besides, I can use this as a notebook or something.
DON
Yeah, you’re right.
Yeah, you’re right.
DANA
Besides, there was a chance I was never going to read it anyway.
DON
True.
DANA
It could almost qualify as decoration at this point.
DON
Yup.
DANA
Anyway, uh, would you like a–
(DON has picked up another book.)
DON
This one’s empty too.
DANA
What?
DON
Here look.
Here look.
(DON hands DANA the book.)
DANA
Wow. Uh. Okay. Maybe these were from the same batch or–?
(DON has picked up another book.)
DON
This one too.
DANA
Are you–
Are you–
(DON is just grabbing random books.)
DON
All of these.
DANA
You mean none of these books have anything in them?
DON
Apparently not.
DANA
That’s–Okay, I need to call Mrs. Matteson.
DON
Now?
DANA
It’s still early enough. The store will be open.
DON
I know, but we were going to–
DANA
I’m sorry, but this is important.
I’m sorry, but this is important.
DON
Okay. Should I go?
DANA
No! You’re my witness.
No! You’re my witness.
DON
I’m not sure you need a witness.
I’m not sure you need a witness.
DANA
Keep checking books.
Keep checking books.
DON
Uh. Okay.
Uh. Okay.
(DANA’s phone is out. Lights up on MRS. MATTESON in her
store. She is, in fact, a sweet little old lady.)
store. She is, in fact, a sweet little old lady.)
MRS. MATTESON
Hello, Mrs. Matteson’s Mixed Bag. This is Dora Matteson speaking.
Hello, Mrs. Matteson’s Mixed Bag. This is Dora Matteson speaking.
DANA
Hi Mrs. Matteson. This is–
Hi Mrs. Matteson. This is–
MRS. MATTESON
Oh! I would know that voice anywhere. It’s my favorite customer.
Oh! I would know that voice anywhere. It’s my favorite customer.
DANA
Yes. That is me. Your favorite customer. Um, I don’t know how to say
this, Mrs. Matteson–
MRS. MATTESON
You have to come in soon. I have a fresh batch that just got donated from
an antique bookseller. You should see what he dropped off.
DANA
Well, that does sound interesting, but-
DON
This pile over here has nothing in them.
This pile over here has nothing in them.
MRS. MATTESON
Ohhh, you have someone over. Good for you! You always look so lonely
when you come into the store. I assumed you were one of those hoarders
who was going to die under a pile of dirty napkins.
Ohhh, you have someone over. Good for you! You always look so lonely
when you come into the store. I assumed you were one of those hoarders
who was going to die under a pile of dirty napkins.
DANA
No, uh, that won’t be, um, happening. I’m actually calling because–
DON
This cookbook just has a crudely drawn picture of a tiger in it.
DANA
All the books you’ve sold me seem to be–empty.
(A beat.)
MRS. MATTESON
What’s that, dear? My hearing isn’t what it used to be.
DANA
I said all the books you sold me–
MRS. MATTESON
And the connection is very bad.
DANA
ALL THE BOOKS YOU SOLD ME–
MRS. MATTESON
Okay, fine. You got me.
Okay, fine. You got me.
(A beat.)
DANA
Excuse me
Excuse me
MRS. MATTESON
None of the books I’ve sold you have anything in them. They’re just
bound stacks of paper with different covers.
None of the books I’ve sold you have anything in them. They’re just
bound stacks of paper with different covers.
DON
This one looks like at one point it was a coloring book.
This one looks like at one point it was a coloring book.
MRS. MATTESON
Took you long enough to figure it out.
Took you long enough to figure it out.
DANA
Well, I did. I did figure it out. I looked through all these books and–
Well, I did. I did figure it out. I looked through all these books and–
DON
Wait, are you saying you—
Wait, are you saying you—
DANA
And you will need to refund me, of course.
And you will need to refund me, of course.
(MRS. MATTESON lets out a hearty laugh.)
MRS. MATTESON
No.
No.
DANA
No?
No?
MRS. MATTESON
No.
No.
DANA
What do you mean ‘No?’
What do you mean ‘No?’
MRS. MATTESON
Why should I refund you? You got what you paid for.
Why should I refund you? You got what you paid for.
DANA
I paid for books.
(Spotlight on MRS. MATTESON goes out.)
I paid for books.
MRS. MATTESON
You were never going to read those books.
You were never going to read those books.
DANA
That doesn’t matter. I paid for them.
That doesn’t matter. I paid for them.
MRS. MATTESON
And you got them.
And you got them.
DANA
No, I didn’t. They’re not books.
No, I didn’t. They’re not books.
DON
This one is. Count of Monte Cristo.
This one is. Count of Monte Cristo.
DANA
So far there’s been one book with actual writing in it.
So far there’s been one book with actual writing in it.
MRS. MATTESON
That must have gotten in there by accident.
That must have gotten in there by accident.
DANA
You are scamming people.
You are scamming people.
MRS. MATTESON
And you’re the first one to notice. You know why? Because none of you
actually read any of these books. You buy them, because they look nice
strewn all over your apartment and they make you feel smart and they
make you feel like you’re better than people who shop for other things like
clothes or butcher knives–
And you’re the first one to notice. You know why? Because none of you
actually read any of these books. You buy them, because they look nice
strewn all over your apartment and they make you feel smart and they
make you feel like you’re better than people who shop for other things like
clothes or butcher knives–
DANA
Butcher knives?
Butcher knives?
DON
This book is just a stack of Don Johnson’s headshots from the 80’s.
This book is just a stack of Don Johnson’s headshots from the 80’s.
MRS. MATTESON
You’ve got all those pretty covers to look at and if you want to read any of
the books, you can always go to the library.
You’ve got all those pretty covers to look at and if you want to read any of
the books, you can always go to the library.
DANA
But Mrs. Matteson–
But Mrs. Matteson–
MRS. MATTESON
You should be supporting your local library anyway. I’m disappointed.
You should be supporting your local library anyway. I’m disappointed.
DANA
You run a bookstore!
You run a bookstore!
MRS. MATTESON
I consider it a home decor operation. Goodbye.
I consider it a home decor operation. Goodbye.
DANA
But–
But–
MRS. MATTESON
See you this week?
See you this week?
DANA
I–Yeah, I guess so.
I–Yeah, I guess so.
(Spotlight on MRS. MATTESON goes out.)
DON
Do you want me to keep looking?
Do you want me to keep looking?
DANA
No. It’s okay. I think it’s safe to say these are all empty.
No. It’s okay. I think it’s safe to say these are all empty.
DON
You know, one way of looking at this is, um, uh–Well, you could write
your own books?
You know, one way of looking at this is, um, uh–Well, you could write
your own books?
DANA
Yeah.
Yeah.
DON
I mean, you wouldn’t want all this paper to go to waste
I mean, you wouldn’t want all this paper to go to waste
DANA
Yeah.
Yeah.
DON
If it makes you feel any better, my mom had a thing with appliances.
If it makes you feel any better, my mom had a thing with appliances.
DANA
Appliances?
Appliances?
DON
Yup. She would buy appliances and then never use them. She just liked
having them around I guess.
Yup. She would buy appliances and then never use them. She just liked
having them around I guess.
DANA
Well, that’s not–I’m not–that’s–Yeah.
Well, that’s not–I’m not–that’s–Yeah.
DON
One day I came home and I guess Sears had been having a sale or
something, because you couldn’t even see the counters. There were
appliances all over the counters and on the kitchen table. Still in the boxes.
Everything brand new. I said, ‘Mom, can I help you unpack these boxes?’
and she said ‘No, because then, they’ll lose their value.’ That didn’t make
any sense to me. Then, my father got home, and he started yelling,
because even if all those appliances were on sale, there was no way she
could have afforded to buy all of those and what did we need a
pasta-maker for anyway? ‘SO WE CAN MAKE OUR OWN PASTA!’ That
was what my mother said. Like it was the most obvious thing in the world
and we were all just idiots standing in the way of her achieving this
domestic dream of a perfect kitchen with every gadget imaginable in it so
that she could cook anything her imagination would whip up. My father
ended up leaving her a year later, but not because of the appliances. I think
he just wanted to marry this woman he worked with named Amy Marie.
Or it might have been Amy Magee. Maggie? Amee? I don’t know. Me and
my eight brothers and sisters all moved in with our eccentric aunt and my
mother kept buying appliances until eventually Sears ran out of them and
had to shut down their entire store.
One day I came home and I guess Sears had been having a sale or
something, because you couldn’t even see the counters. There were
appliances all over the counters and on the kitchen table. Still in the boxes.
Everything brand new. I said, ‘Mom, can I help you unpack these boxes?’
and she said ‘No, because then, they’ll lose their value.’ That didn’t make
any sense to me. Then, my father got home, and he started yelling,
because even if all those appliances were on sale, there was no way she
could have afforded to buy all of those and what did we need a
pasta-maker for anyway? ‘SO WE CAN MAKE OUR OWN PASTA!’ That
was what my mother said. Like it was the most obvious thing in the world
and we were all just idiots standing in the way of her achieving this
domestic dream of a perfect kitchen with every gadget imaginable in it so
that she could cook anything her imagination would whip up. My father
ended up leaving her a year later, but not because of the appliances. I think
he just wanted to marry this woman he worked with named Amy Marie.
Or it might have been Amy Magee. Maggie? Amee? I don’t know. Me and
my eight brothers and sisters all moved in with our eccentric aunt and my
mother kept buying appliances until eventually Sears ran out of them and
had to shut down their entire store.
DANA
And what happened to her?
And what happened to her?
DON
To my eccentric aunt?
To my eccentric aunt?
DANA
No. To your mother.
No. To your mother.
DON
Oh. Huh.
Oh. Huh.
(A beat.)
You know, I never spent too much time thinking about it.
(A moment.)
Do you still want to make out?
DANA
Actually, could you tell me a story?
Actually, could you tell me a story?
DON
About my mother?
About my mother?
DANA
No, about literally anything else.
No, about literally anything else.
DON
Sure.
Sure.
DANA
And could you pick up a book and pretend the story is in there and you’re
reading the story to me from the book?
And could you pick up a book and pretend the story is in there and you’re
reading the story to me from the book?
DON
Sure.
Sure.
(They sit. DON picks up a book. DON opens the book to the first
page. Then, DON looks at the cover and grimaces a bit.)
page. Then, DON looks at the cover and grimaces a bit.)
Oh, I don’t know this one at all.
DANA
That’s okay. I’ve never read it either.
(Lights shift.)
End of Play
That’s okay. I’ve never read it either.
(Lights shift.)
End of Play
About the Author
Kevin Broccoli is a writer from New England. His work has been featured in Molecule, Onyx, The New Plains Review, and Stage It. His short story “Uncle Grendel” was the winner of the George Lila Award for fiction. He is the author of “To Cleopatra on Her 16th Birthday.”