Fire Crotch
Content warning: Crude language, discussion of genitals
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Damon, 20s – an interesting and charismatic man.
Hudson, 20s – a perfectly fine, adult person.
A CAR, morning. DAMON and HUDSON are in the car, Damon in the passenger seat, Hudson driving.
Damon is clearly hungover. He slumps and wears sunglasses. Hudson is doing better, but is a bit tired.
DAMON
Shit man. That was a crazy weekend.
HUDSON
Yeah it was.
DAMON
I mean, what I remember of it was crazy.
HUDSON
You were pretty out of it last night.
DAMON
Dude, I know. Did I-
HUDSON
Yep.
DAMON
You didn’t let me finish my question.
HUDSON
Yeah, whatever you think you did, you probably did it.
Damon chuckles.
DAMON
Awesome.
A few beats while they drive.
DAMON
I gotta piss.
HUDSON
There’s a gas station like, an hour from here, I think.
DAMON
Yeah, not gonna make it that far. Just pull over.
HUDSON
You sure? It’s hot as fuck out there.
DAMON
Yeah, but I’m not holding it til the next city. Just pull
over.
Hudson pulls over.
Damon gets out of the car and goes offstage.
Offstage, we hear a terrible, terrifying SCREAM.
Hudson looks around, alarmed.
Damon rushes back onstage and gets into the car.
DAMON
Um. Problem.
HUDSON
What happened?
DAMON
I’m not sure.
HUDSON
What was that scream?
DAMON
It’s gonna sound crazy.
HUDSON
What?
DAMON
I just pissed fire.
Hudson laughs.
HUDSON
Right. You probably caught something from that chick.
DAMON
No. No dude. I pissed literal fire. Flames shot out of my dick.
Hudson laughs again.
Damon is not laughing.
Hudson stops laughing.
HUDSON
Wait, you’re serious.
DAMON
I’m serious.
Several beats, while the men look at each other, ahead, then at each other.
HUDSON
So, what you’re saying is, fire shot out of your penis. When you peed.
DAMON
Yes.
HUDSON
You pissed fire. Like, your dick acted like some kind of lighter?
DAMON
Yes. But I prefer flamethrower, I think.
HUDSON
Ok.
DAMON
I mean, it just sounds cooler.
HUDSON
Well-
DAMON
I mean, if you’re gonna piss fire, you want your dick to be a flamethrower. Not a lighter.
HUDSON
Dude. Are you still drunk?
DAMON
I wish that I were. But no.
HUDSON
I don’t think-
DAMON
What?
HUDSON
I don’t think you’re in your right mind at the moment. It’s been a long weekend. You’re tired. You’re not feeling well. You’re hungover as shit. And you probably caught chlamydia from that chick.
DAMON
You’re not listening. I pissed. Fire.
HUDSON
No, I’m listening fine. And I’m sure it FELT like fire. But it wasn’t literal fire. That doesn’t happen.
DAMON
Ok. I’m gonna have to show you.
HUDSON
No.
DAMON
You don’t believe me. So let me prove it.
HUDSON
I don’t wanna watch you piss out of your diseased genitals.
DAMON
They’re not diseased. And you don’t have to stare at my genitals, just watch the fire.
HUDSON
There is no fire, dumbass!
DAMON
Yes. There is. Or there was. Actually I don’t know if it will happen again. We’ll have to wait and see I guess.
HUDSON
You can’t show me now?
DAMON
No, I can’t show you now, I just urinated! I have to refill. Are you like, new to urinating, that you don’t know this?
HUDSON
Well, urinating fire, yeah. I’m new to that.
DAMON
Me too.
Damon sees something offstage. He is alarmed.
DAMON
Oh shit.
HUDSON
What?
Damon points.
DAMON
Look. Over where I pissed.
Hudson looks. Now he’s alarmed too.
HUDSON
Holy shit!
DAMON
Now do you believe me?
HUDSON
Dude, that bush is on fire.
DAMON
I know.
HUDSON
What did you do?
DAMON
What did I do? I told you! I pissed fire.
HUDSON
So you set the bushes on fire with your fire piss?
DAMON
Yeah, I guess so.
HUDSON
Why?
DAMON
I don’t know! It’s some kind of medical mystery. Or maybe a curse. You know I did go to this museum last month? And there was this mummy there? And I thought it would be funny to-
HUDSON
Oh my god shut up! We need to call the fire department.
DAMON
No! Let’s just put it out ourselves.
HUDSON
With what?
Damon grabs a 20 ounce plastic water bottle from under the seat.
HUDSON
Are you serious right now? That’s a big fire, and it’s gonna spread.
DAMON
But-
HUDSON
What?
DAMON
Then people will know.
HUDSON
Yeah, that’s the idea. We need them to know, so they can come put out the fire.
DAMON
I mean they’ll know about my problem.
HUDSON
No they won’t.
DAMON
Well, how will we explain it then?
HUDSON
I don’t know. We’ll say it’s a…regular brush fire. We just happened to see it.
DAMON
We just happened to see it?
HUDSON
Yeah.
DAMON
(Sighs) OK. I guess that might work.
Hudson grabs his phone and dials.
HUDSON
Hello? Yeah, I need to report a fire… Yes…We’re on Route 50…yeah…it’s a brush fire…just a bushes right now. Wait. Actually, two bushes now. Yeah…we’re just past…I don’t really know, we passed Salida, about a half hour ago?…No, we’re kinda in the middle of nowhere…can you track my phone or something…ok…ok…thanks.
Hudson hangs up.
HUDSON
They think someone’ll be here within the hour.
DAMON
Within the hour? It could spread all over the place by then!
HUDSON
We’re nowhere dude.
DAMON
Still. Isn’t this why we pay taxes?
Hudson shakes his head.
DAMON
What?
HUDSON
I don’t know man.
DAMON
What?
HUDSON
Why did you do it?
DAMON
My bladder was full.
HUDSON
But why on a bush?
DAMON
I don’t follow.
HUDSON
Like, ok. Let’s say I believe you, that you pissed fire. If I pissed fire, I wouldn’t go, hey, it’s the middle of the desert and it’s a hundred and ninety degrees, where should I aim my stream of flames? Oh I know! This highly flammable bush!
DAMON
That’s not how it was, dickhead.
HUDSON
Well, then how was it?
DAMON
Well, I didn’t KNOW I was gonna piss flames, did I? It came as a shock. If I’d known fire was gonna shoot out, I’d have planned things differently.
HUDSON
Whatever, dude.
DAMON
You know what? What is your problem?
HUDSON
Besides the fact that my friend is setting wildfires?
DAMON
Yes. Besides that. You’ve been really unpleasant this whole trip. What’s the deal?
HUDSON
I’m sorry. This is just a little much.
DAMON
Ok, granted. But I’m kinda going through something scary right now, and I could use your support.
HUDSON
I called the fire department. What more do you want from me?
DAMON
How about some damn sympathy?
HUDSON
Sympathy? You’re an arsonist!
DAMON
That was hurtful.
HUDSON
It was the truth.
DAMON
You know what? No, it’s not. This was a complete accident, and the fact that you don’t get that, that you just assume that I did this on purpose? Makes me question what kind of friend you really are.
HUDSON
What am I supposed to think? Damon. People do not piss flames. That’s not a thing.
DAMON
Well then how did that fire start?
HUDSON
I don’t know. A match? A lighter? A cigarette?
DAMON
Dude. When have you ever seen me smoke?
HUDSON
Well then I don’t know. But I know you didn’t pee fire.
The men sigh, and cross their arms over their chests, frustrated with each other.
A few beats.
HUDSON
You know, this would happen to you though.
DAMON
What’s that supposed to mean?
HUDSON
I mean, you can’t ever just do something normally. Like, if you get an STD, it would be one that makes your dick shoot fire. Like, remember when you did that study abroad in Spain, and you got bit by a lion? Who gets bit by a lion in Spain? They don’t even live there. Who gets bit by a lion at all?
DAMON
Well, it’s kind of a funny story, actually. See there was this campsite-
HUDSON
Of course it’s a funny story! It’s always a funny story with you. Like that time you accidentally won that shooting championship, even though you were drunk, and had never fired a gun.
Damon chuckles.
DAMON
That was pretty badass.
HUDSON
And that time you hooked up with that chick and found out later that she was an actual supermodel. Or the race car driving. It’s all just…
DAMON
What?
HUDSON
You’re always the one with the stories. So of course, now your dick is a flamethrower. Of course it is. Maybe tomorrow
you’ll grow fangs and start delivering venom through them. Maybe the next day you’ll sprout wings and fly like a fucking eagle. Who knows? It’s all possible when you’re Damon, right?
DAMON
Wait…are you…jealous of my flamethrower dick?
HUDSON
No! You’re missing the point!
DAMON
No. No. It sounds like you’re jealous!
HUDSON
I’m not jealous.
DAMON
Good! Because that’s a dumbass thing to be jealous of. I mean dude. What is my life even gonna be like now? Is this permanent? Is it doing damage to my body? Will I burn down every bathroom I enter?
Damon breaks off, horrified.
DAMON
Oh my god. Dude. What’s gonna happen when I cum?
Hudson is taken aback by this as well.
HUDSON
Shit.
DAMON
Shit.
HUDSON
What are you gonna do?
DAMON
I mean…I don’t know. I feel like…I’m not safe. I’m not safe to be around. What else will catch flames? What if my saliva is flammable now? What if I just burst into flames right now, my whole body?
The gravity of the situation is dawning on them.
Damon starts hyperventilating.
Hudson puts an arm around him.
HUDSON
It’s ok. Hey. Hey, it’s ok. You’re not on fire. You’re totally fine. The fire truck should be here soon, and it’s all gonna be fire.
Damon keeps hyperventilating.
HUDSON
Just give it a minute to settle. Deep breaths. We’re gonna get you to a doctor, ok? A specialist who specializes in…dick fire, I guess.
Damon laughs a little. He’s calming down.
DAMON
Doctor Dick Fire.
HUDSON
A doctor of dick fireology.
DAMON
That can’t be a thing.
HUDSON
Maybe not, but a doctor anyway. We’ll figure this out.
Damon breathes more slowly. He is calming down. He takes a drink of water.
DAMON
Jesus man. I’m sorry. This is all so fucking weird.
HUDSON
It is weird.
DAMON
And you know that stuff you said? About my life?
HUDSON
Yeah.
DAMON
That shit all sucks.
HUDSON
What do you mean?
DAMON
I mean, yeah, those are good stories. But like, have you ever been bitten by a lion? It hurt! I still can’t fully extend my knee! I had to go to physical therapy for eight months.
HUDSON
But-
DAMON
No, let me finish. That supermodel? She wasn’t just some one night stand who I hooked up with. I loved her, dude. Her name was Kira, and I met her at this beach party and I thought she was the most amazing person I’d ever met. I didn’t know she was a supermodel. I just knew she was funny, and nice, and smart, and yeah, really fucking hot.
And I fell head over heels in love with her, and she doesn’t even know my fucking name. I’m just some dude she banged, and she’ll never think of me again.
HUDSON
Man, I’m sorry.
DAMON
And that shooting championship…ok that was pretty cool.
Damon grins.
DAMON
My point is, these stories. Yeah, they sound cool. Because that’s how I tell them. The things that suck about my life feel better if I can like…I don’t know. Make them into funny stories. That shit doesn’t depress me so much, when I can use it to make people laugh, or entertain them, I guess. Especially you.
HUDSON
Me? Why the hell would you wanna entertain me?
DAMON
It’s not so much that I wanna entertain you. It’s just…I don’t want you to think I’m a fuckup.
HUDSON
A fuckup? Why would I think that?
DAMON
Because I AM a fuck up, dude. I dropped out of college. I haven’t had a steady job in like, a year. You had to pay my way on this trip. And look at you!
HUDSON
Look at me? Why?
DAMON
You have your shit together more than any person I know. You got this great job-
HUDSON
I don’t know if it’s great, but-
DAMON
Shut up. You know it’s great. You got all these benefits and vacation time. You got one of those IRSes?
HUDSON
IRA, you mean?
DAMON
Whatever. You grew up in this super poor family and you worked so fucking hard and now you’re this rich dude, with a cool-ass condo, and you like…jog and shit. Look at you. Right now. You’re not even hungover.
HUDSON
Well, no.
DAMON
We just left a bachelor party in Vegas, and you’re not hungover. That’s how much of a fucking grown up you are. And look at me.
Damon gestures to himself.
DAMON
I’m hungover. Unemployed. No girlfriend. And I’m literally pissing fire. I’m a mess.
A few beats, while Damon feels sorry for himself.
HUDSON
You’re not a mess. You’re the coolest guy I know.
DAMON
Shut up.
HUDSON
No. Really. Why do you think I hang out with you?
DAMON
Because we’ve known each other since we were kids, and you work all the time, so you don’t have time to make new and better friends?
HUDSON
No, dude. Because you’re funny and interesting. You’re the life of the goddamn party.
DAMON
I am, yeah.
HUDSON
Besides, I totally do have new and better friends.
Damon chuckles a little.
DAMON
Asshole. Oh good, here they come.
SIRENS wail offstage.
HUDSON
Oh thank God.
DAMON
Do you think we should go?
HUDSON
I think we should have gone a while ago. I’m not sure why we stayed, honestly.
DAMON
Because now we have a good story about the time I set a fire in the desert with my dick, and we had to wait and watch it burn until a fire truck came, because we were in the middle of nowhere, and we were trying to make sure it didn’t spread? Because we’re heroes and shit?
HUDSON
Yeah. I don’t think we were particularly heroic in this situation.
DAMON
Nope. But it’s a better story that way.
HUDSON
You know what? You’re absolutely right.
DAMON
We’re heroes.
HUDSON
Heroes.
DAMON
Ok, let’s go. I think I need medical attention.
HUDSON
Oh, yeah! Does your dick hurt?
DAMON
Weirdly no. But I still think it’s something I should get looked at.
HUDSON
Yeah. You’re right.
Hudson turns the car on and they drive
as –
LIGHTS FADE.
About the Author
Dana Hammer is a writer. Her short plays “A Helping Hand” and “Chat Noir” have been produced by Force of Nature Productions, and her monologue “Sandcastles” received a production by Plank Island Theatre Company. Her short plays “Fire Crotch” and “Milk” were produced in 2024 by The Wayward Artist. Her full-length play, The Devil’s Buddy was a selection for Skyline Productions in LA, and had a staged reading in October, 2022. Her audio plays have been produced on a variety of podcasts. Her short play, “My Right Foot”, had a three week run in April of 2024, in Hollywood, at the Brickhouse Theatre, produced by Force of Nature Productions, and was a winner for the Page to Stage Festival, and had a performance at the Curtis Theatre in Brea. “My Right Foot” was also a winner of the OCPA Discoveries contest, and received another staged reading.