I Hate Fishing
middle of Lake Michigan. There is one fishing rod propped
up against the right side of the boat. Andrew is nervous but
keeps intense eye contact. Dylan’s eyes are darting around
the boat.
beginning, they laugh between rounds. They seem to be
playfully trying to outdo the other in volume and intensity.
As the game progresses, however, they suddenly start to
take it very seriously, and it is no longer competitive.
Dylan’s screams take on a specific shape. They start off
sounding very guttural and what he hopes is being
perceived as manly, but end nasally and almost high
pitched. Andrew’s screams too are distinctive by the later
rounds of the game. His screams are powerfully moany and
a bit weepy. The two boys are zeroed into the game. They
switch off screaming without obvious acknowledgement of
the other. This should proceed for however long feels right
abruptly turns to Dylan. Dylan still has his eyes closed
because he thinks they are still playing the game.
WRITER’S NOTE
The dialogue should be interspersed with lots of pauses and awkward silence even when not directly indicated. The slightly odd, perhaps off putting comments from Dylan and Andrew should be played with all honesty and sincerity, not with malice. The run-on sentences or lack of punctuation should speak to the nature of how the characters talk.
CHARACTERS
DYLAN: thirteen year old boy, in the ninth grade, rambles when nervous, loves to talk for the sake of talking, eager for connection.
ANDREW: twelve year old boy, in the eighth grade, stares when nervous, intentional with how and when he chooses to speak.
PLACE: life raft turned fishing boat in middle of Lake Michigan
TIME: sometime in the early 2010s
Dylan and Andrew sit in an orange lifeboat in the
DYLAN
(referring to the boat)
This is cool, right?
ANDREW
Yea.
DYLAN
I come here fishing a lot. Like really early in the morning though. Like six am.
ANDREW
Ok.
DYLAN
Do you like to fish?
Pause
ANDREW
No, not really.
DYLAN
(rambling)
That’s fine. I mean, that’s cool. I only really got into it last year. For our eighth grade graduation we had the option to either go on a camping trip in the woods with real beds and cabins but no showers or go on a fishing trip on a boat with sleeping bags and sea sickness but with showers and like I had really bad BO at the time so I thought it would better with showers so I chose the fishing trip and what was good was that the stench of the fish covered the onion of my BO like I don’t think people could even distinguish the two if they tried because on the days it got really bad, we caught so many fish and what was like the really good part was that I like I actually caught the most fish. Everyone thought I was cool because of it and then when they would come close to me to pat me on the back, they just smelled fish and everyone smiled because the stench was like a badge I wore and not a hygiene thing.
ANDREW
(Smiles. Unsure what to say.)
Okay.
DYLAN
The benches are good and hardy. I feel like we could fit a lot of people here. Like if we ever find any more cousins we could fit them on here.
ANDREW
I think we are each other’s only cousins.
DYLAN
Yea, right.
DYLAN
I mean, I’m fine with that. You’re cool.
DYLAN
I know we only just met but I get a good vibe from you. Silent but imaginative. It feels like you have a lot to say. I can tell by your eyebrows.
ANDREW
Ok.
A long pause.
DYLAN
Fishing wasn’t always very pleasant for me, you know. I wasn’t always as smooth out here as I look. As a kid I once got a fish hook stuck in my cheek. It jammed right in there. I never really knew how much fat my cheek carried until the hook was wedged in there and barely peeked out and then I was like wow I’ve got a lot of cheek cushion. I remember being in such shock when it happened too that my face went pale and some people thought I had brain damage. One kid kept screaming, (yell) “He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead!” And then this boy in my class, Arthur, pushed the yelling kid aside and with his grubby hands, Arthur grabbed my like he, like, took hold of my cheek, (starts to grab his own cheek) like really got in there, and tried to yank the hook out for me. Arthur was into weird stuff like that. He got real freaky when we were dissecting an octopus in school this one time. Poking it in all its holes and making faces. But, yea, getting back into fishing was a new thing for me because I had that odd memory of someone screaming “he’s dead” in my face, and then Arthur’s hands in my mouth.
Pause
But then again I had that cool fishing trip where people thought I was really good at fishing and then I found this boat a few months ago. So all’s to say, I love it again.
Pause
DYLAN
You’re actually the first person I’ve brought on this boat.
Pause.
ANDREW
Why am I the first person?
DYLAN
I’m not sure. I don’t know. I don’t have siblings or like friends. I mean the friend thing is an intentional choice of mine though.
DYLAN
Is that the same with you? Is it intentional that you don’t have friends?
ANDREW
No. I wouldn’t say so. Though I probably prefer to spend time with my mom.
DYLAN
(ignoring what Andrew previously said)
Yea if I were to choose to hang out with a group, like one of the groups in school, or just one person I think I would prefer to hang out with only one person but like the options are slim for the one person. Like I have Arthur, the hole guy, and then I don’t even know, so yeah.
DYLAN
I feel like I’m talking a lot. You know we only met each other yesterday. I have so many questions.
ANDREW
I don’t really know what to say so I don’t mind if you talk a lot.
DYLAN
But you can say anything. We’re cousins which means like whatever you say I will be okay with.
ANDREW
No, I generally don’t know what to say.
DYLAN
That’s ok. I guess.
A brief pause.
Well, do you like it here, so far? In Milwaukee? The lake is pretty great right? I know you are just seeing it but come on, it’s cool, right?
ANDREW
(Nervous)
I read somewhere that the more water you are surrounded by the less likely you are to want to stab someone.
Pause.
DYLAN
(chuckles after the pause)
I could see that. I mean it says something that there are more stabbings on land than in water.
A long pause.
DYLAN
Well/
ANDREW
(Quietly with intention)
My mom and I both really like lakes. I think that’s why mom decided to move up here with you guys. I think she is trying to find a place that is calming for both me and her. She’s always so stressed but yet she always talks about these lakes out there. Now that her mom has died I think she felt it was time for us to come out to see you guys.
A pause.
ANDREW
Ok.
ANDREW
I talked.
DYLAN
What does it ‘being time’ mean?
ANDREW
(ignoring Dylan’s question)
No, you know, I really hope my mom likes it here.
DYLAN
I think she will.
ANDREW
No, like, I really hope so. Like I hope this lake thing is true.
A long pause.
ANDREW
She is really stressed.
DYLAN
(chuckles)
I think mine is too.
DYLAN
Like she stresses when I get home a minute late or if I don’t eat everything on my plate because I am not feeling well and I didn’t tell her beforehand .
DYLAN
Or if there is more traffic than she was expecting even if we weren’t even trying to get anywhere on time, she still gets really stressed. And then at night she screams a lot in her sleep and I think it’s because she is stressed there too. Like:
DYLAN
(imitating the mom, very monotone screaming)
“Ahhhh, ahhhhhh” ahhhhhhhhhh” “ahhhhhhhhhhhh”.
ANDREW
My mom does that too.(more monotone screaming)“Ahhhhh Ahhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhh.”
DYLAN
Yeah, it’s really weird to see them together. I mean, my mom says that it used to be really tense between the two of them like fifteen years ago. It was really bad, she told me. But, then, yesterday when we all saw each other, it really wasn’t that weird.
ANDREW
It was as if they were meant to scream at each other but they just agreed to go in for a shoulder tap instead. I mean because that’s what you do. And suddenly, I don’t know, it felt normal.
DYLAN
Maybe it was all sad or happy for them but I don’t know it was kinda dumb for me. I mean it was so silent for the first ten minutes.
A long content pause.
ANDREW
Do you want to play a game?
DYLAN
Sure.
ANDREW
Ok so first, you’re going to close your eyes and then I’m going to scream as loud as possible, until there is no more air in my lungs, loud, until I almost feel woozy. Like that loud. And then after I have my scream, we’ll switch. I close my eyes and you open your eyes and you scream. And we just keep alternating.
DYLAN
Why can’t we just both scream together at once.
ANDREW
Well I don’t know, I just think we should both give one another the proper time to scream. And also I used to do this game by myself and I just think this way feels better now that I’m doing it with another person.
DYLAN
This is kinda weird.
DYLAN
Ok. I’ll go first.
They proceed to play a few rounds of the game. At the
for the actors. Then, finally, after many rounds, Andrew
ANDREW
Hey, Dylan, can I tell you something?
DYLAN
Yeah, sure.
Dylan’s eyes are still closed.
ANDREW
I think I might have killed our grandma.
Pause. Dylan’s eyes shoot open.
ANDREW
I think she died because I killed her.
DYLAN
What?
ANDREW
Yea, a few weeks ago I just, just was talking to my mom about how sad it is that grandma has been dying so slowly and painfully for the past few years and we are the only ones there in Arkansas to take care of her. And, like, love her and be with her. I mean, my mom every day when she got back from work she would come home and have to care for her mother who, like, wasn’t even her mother anymore, like, she couldn’t speak or really do anything. It was just causing so much pain for my mom. And it was just the two of us, me and my mom, and mute grandma of course and I just wished we had more of us. And then my mom mentioned you and your mom and how you guys live in Milwaukee and how my mom doesn’t speak with your mom anymore because of how your mom chose to leave Arkansas when she was young and left my mom with their senile mother. And then I was just sitting there, watching my mom as she cleaned my grandma’s limp body. And the way she spoke about you guys with this brightness that I’d never seen her have when she was speaking about you guys before. So I was just thinking. And you know it really wasn’t malicious at all. Like it really wasn’t. I think I just didn’t want to watch my mom have to care for her dying mother anymore. And my grandma was going to die. She was going to die but it was taking so long. And I could tell that my mom missed her sister but had too much like (ANDREW can’t think of the word) you know like to just call her up. That she would need a good reason to do so. And basically one night I was sitting up with our grandma and I just started praying like praying out loud that she would die. Right in front of her face. I looked at her liver spots and her saggy skin and I basically asked her. Asked grandma if she would die now. I think I might have yelled too and cried and bit. And then suddenly she was dead.
Pause
I thought she would immediately start to smell but she didn’t. She smelled just as she did before. Irish stew that mom had made and that was dried on her right eyebrow.
Pause
I felt terrible but I also weirdly felt really happy because soon after she flatlined, and my mom undressed her and redressed in her burial outfit, we came here to see you guys and you are really cool. And our moms are reunited. And now that their mom is dead they seem to be calmer and near the lake, both of them, like my mom said they promised they would do as kids. But I just think now that we are friends it’s important I tell you this. That I killed her.
Pause
ANDREW
I don’t want you to think of me differently now.
Dylan is staring at Andrew. A long pause.
DYLAN
I’m glad you did it.
DYLAN
I mean, for a while, I was wanting a singular friend. Or like a pet that was super hyper and loving or something. And then our grandma died. And now I have this. So it’s cool.
ANDREW
Yea?
ANDREW
This is cool?
DYLAN
Yea.
Pause
ANDREW
Let’s sit out here for a bit longer though. Our moms are probably still catching up.
DYLAN
Ok. And it’s ok that you killed her. I’m really kind of happy about it.
ANDREW
Okay.
DYLAN
And, you know, I actually hate fishing.
ANDREW
Okay.
DYLAN
But I still like this boat a lot.
ANDREW
Ok.
Pause.
DYLAN
Cool.
They both contentedly stare at the other.
End of play
About the Author
Ester Levite was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. She currently attends Pomona College, where she studies English. She primarily writes short stories, flash fiction, and plays. Last May, I Hate Fishing debuted at Pomona Department of Theatre’s The Sandbox, a 10-minute Play Festival.