venus in cancer

i.

bacchic worship begins on your knees.

ritual dictates days in ambrosial haze;

this could feel like god if you let it

sink into your skin

cradle your face

look at you, wondrous thing.

they call you good and you could almost believe it.

do you call it god if obedience comes so easily?

is it obedience

when no alternative exists?

soft traces of your body in rest and desperate grips in heat could convince you;

soft confessions of the self in bedroom secrecy almost do.

ii.

holiness ends with the hands.

exaltation martyrs you right there and then;

this feels just as radiant as you

admire the sun-glazed eyes

feel them trace your silhouette

let yourself believe it, for once.

you can’t pretend and they fall deeper.

could you stare into the face of god long enough for it to be love?

how long can love last

before you turn away?

they kiss you goodbye like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

you keep staring until they disappear.

iii.

revelation of the self scratches against your ribcage.

confessions nail you to the cross;

this will always feel like a just death —

you, bearing your cross

you, wielding the hammer

turn your eyes to the sky, sacrifice.

you can’t help but reveal yourself and you wait.

would you beg for love yet shy away from it?

when you beg to be known

do you also bleed yourself dry             from the shame?

sharp pain radiates from your palms as you beg for something unknown to you;

sharp rays turn them blissful as you finally ascend.

iv.

resurrection in perpetuity like a second self.

godhood savors more like monstrosity;

this no longer feels familiar.

your prayers have been answered

your stranger-self begins to blur the lines

stop gnawing, devourer.

they write you hymns now and all you want is personhood again.

will it ever feel like enough?

will you finally know

what you want?

their confessions ring like love;

your remains proclaim it as infatuation.

 

About the Author
ally apodochi (they/them) is a nonbinary Malay writer in rediscovery and an eternal language lover based in the Middle East. They are currently working on long-form works of fiction and personal essays.