WO[MAN] Written by Alyssa Haddad-Chin
CHARACTER NAME BRIEF DESCRIPTION AGE GENDER
Mother A woman Any F
Father A man Any M
Government Officer A man 30s M
LIGHTS UP ON:
An ordinary hospital room. A MOTHER sits on the bed cradling a newborn baby wrapped in a pink blanket. Next to her is a FATHER. His feet are up on the bed and he watches the television. The sounds of the news blares from the speakers.
MOTHER
Babe?
FATHER
What?
MOTHER
Will you turn that down?
FATHER
What?
MOTHER
It’s really loud, it’s disturbing the baby.
FATHER
She’s the one who’s always crying.
MOTHER
Babe, please?
FATHER
Fine.
He lowers the TV.
MOTHER
Thank you.
FATHER
They’re talking about the women in Syria.
MOTHER
Who is?
FATHER
The people on the news.
MOTHER
What about them?
FATHER
The people on the news?
MOTHER
No, the women in Syria.
FATHER
Their government and society tell them what to do. They live their entire lives as robots.
MOTHER
Yeah?
FATHER
Yeah.
MOTHER
Living as a robot sounds pretty cool.
FATHER
It’s not cool, I mean it metaphorically. God, you can be so dense.
Mother ignores him, comforts the baby.
FATHER
You know, you should thank your lucky stars you live in America. If you were in the Middle East who knows what would’ve happened to you.
MOTHER
Mhm.
FATHER
Probably sold to a 60 year old man to work as his slave….or worse.
(beat)
Will you grab me another soda from the vending machine?
MOTHER
(gesturing to the baby)
I’m a little busy.
FATHER
So now that the baby’s here I have to do everything myself?
MOTHER
I can call one of the nurses.
FATHER
Forget it. There’s a knock at the door.
FATHER
Who could that be?
MOTHER
Babe, can you get it?
FATHER
(deep sigh)
I guess.
The father gets up and walks over to the door. He swings it open, and standing behind it is a GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL. He holds a “Congratulations!”balloon.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Good afternoon, sir. May I come in?
FATHER
And you are?
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
I’m a Government Official sent officially on behalf of the government.
He flashes a badge. Father inspects it.
FATHER
Ah, yes. By all means please come in.
They shake hands with all the strength they can muster, then shake out their hands in secret pain. Father leads the Government Official into the room.
FATHER
This is the Mother.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Hi Mother.
MOTHER
Hello, sir.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
The American government has received the word that you gave birth at approximately 8:47 this morning, is that correct?
She holds the baby up as proof.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Oh no, is she a girl?
MOTHER
Yes, sir. Her name’s–
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
There was no talk of it being a girl back at the office.
FATHER
That could be cause the doctor’s thought her right arm was a penis for the last 9 months.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Oh dear. This changes everything.
The Government Official squeezes the balloon until it pops. He throws it to the floor. He reaches in his jacket pocket and pulls out a scroll. He unties it and, like a coursing river, it hits the floor and rolls. It stops only once it’s hit the wall.
FATHER
What is that?
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
It’s the difference between having a boy and having a girl, according to the United States government.
MOTHER
She’s only a few hours old.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Ma’am, there is no reason to get emotional. I’m not here for the little one. This is just some light reading for Father to explain to her once she’s old enough to learn her place.
FATHER
I’m on it, Captain.
Father salutes.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Today, I’m here for you, Mother.
MOTHER
Me?
FATHER
Don’t interrupt the Captain.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Not a Captain, but thank you, Father.
(pause)
Mother, you’re a mother now, so there are going to be a lot of changes.
MOTHER
Okay.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
First things first, you both will return back to work tomorrow morning.
MOTHER
But I literally just gave birth. Like, this morning.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Then you’ve had plenty of time to recover.
MOTHER
They haven’t even stitched me up yet.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
You have to go back to work. How will your boss get by without your presence to answer calls and bring him coffee?
MOTHER
What boss? I’m a lawyer.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
A lawyer? Hmmm, not sure how you slipped through the system. Not a problem though, Jonathan has agreed to take over your role due to this new stage in your life.
MOTHER
Jonathan the intern?
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Yes, he’s a very bright young man.
MOTHER
So I won’t be a lawyer anymore?
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Not if you don’t go into work tomorrow.
MOTHER
Well, I guess I can make it.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
But what about the baby?
MOTHER
What about her?
FATHER
Who’s going to watch her, babe?
MOTHER
We can get a nanny.
FATHER
Oooh a nanny. I could be into that.
MOTHER
Maybe we shouldn’t get a nanny.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
No good mother would leave her child or husband with a nanny.
MOTHER
Well, I guess I could take time off work.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
It’s Jonathan’s lucky day.
MOTHER
I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult to plan.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
This is why I’m here. Most new mother’s don’t realize what their new lives will look like.
FATHER
This is nothing, babe. Imagine if you were a mother in the Middle East. They wrap the fetus in pita bread and eat it while the Mother watches.
MOTHER
Is that true?
FATHER
I saw it on the news. Or was it Food Network. Who can remember?
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
We need to move on. Let’s talk about what you’re wearing.
MOTHER
The hospital gown?
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Yes, ma’am. It’s truly a dreadful sight. Doesn’t flatter you at all.
FATHER
We can’t even see your knockers, babe.
MOTHER
I just had a baby!
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
That’s no excuse to not put in any effort, ma’am.
FATHER
At least throw on a little lipstick.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
But pull down your gown.
FATHER
Yeah, it’s a little short, babe. What if one of the doctor’s saw you like that?
MOTHER
In the gown they gave me?
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
With a gown that short it seems like you’re asking for something. Mother pulls down her gown.
FATHER
Well, now it’s showing too much cleavage.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Have some class, you’re a mother for God’s sake.
She pulls the gown down.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
That’s not much better.
FATHER
Maybe she should take it off.
MOTHER
This is insane.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Ma’am, I’ve asked you not to get emotional. These are things that you need to think about now that you’re a mother.
FATHER
Yeah babe, I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking she can look ugly or have men treat her differently because of how she looks.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
You’re going to be a wonderful father, sir.
FATHER
Thank you.
Government Official checks his watch.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
We’re making excellent time. Next on the list–
The baby starts to cry. The Mother pulls down her hospital gown and allows the baby to breast feed. Nothing is seen by the audience. The men cover their eyes, yet peak through their fingers.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Ma’am, please. We’re trying to have a serious conversation.
MOTHER
But the baby is hungry, she needs to eat. This is how she’s fed.
GOVERNMENT OFFICER
Ew.
FATHER
Gross.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
If you MUST feed her, can’t you do it in private? Perhaps in a darkened cave in a remote corner of the earth?
MOTHER
I can’t leave the hospital yet. I just had a baby.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Fine. But nobody needs to see you do that. Your boobies are not meant for feeding the young.
MOTHER
That’s exactly what they’re for–
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Ma’am, your chest pillows are something to look at when we’re walking down the street and our phones are dead. In scientific terms, (struggles) breastfeeding is icky.
FATHER
He’s right, babe. I’m very deflated.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Thank God you’re not one of those women in the Middle East. If you did something like this over there they’d tear you apart.
FATHER
Those poor Middle Eastern women. They have it so hard.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
What a beautiful country we live in. Where a woman can make her own decisions. FATHER God bless America. They salute.
MOTHER
With all due respect, Mister Government Official, being a mother is about nurturing and providing for my baby girl.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
I don’t believe that you’ve been listening to me at all. This is what I’ve been explaining but I suppose I should put it into simpler terms for you to understand. You are the Mother.
FATHER
I am the Father.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
You are the nurturer.
FATHER
I am the provider.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
See?
MOTHER
But what if I want to be the provider?
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
In extremely rare cases a Mother might be a provider. Usually, that only occurs if a Father dies or goes out to get cigarettes and doesn’t come back. However, as a representative of the United States government we encourage you not to diverge from your assigned roles.
MOTHER
But who assigned us these roles?
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
You ask an awful lot of questions, Ma’am. Please just try to remain calm so I can get through the rest of my list.
MOTHER
I’m not going to take orders from a perfect stranger.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
America was founded on taking orders from strangers. Everything I need to know about you is in the file.
MOTHER
I think that you should leave. I can figure out how to raise my child on my own, I don’t need America telling me how to do so.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH THIS INSTANT. YOU’RE LUCKY TO LIVE IN THE COUNTRY OF FREEDOM.
FATHER
Sir, that’s my wife. Please don’t raise your voice at her.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL (to Father)
I’m sorry about that, I got carried away. I didn’t mean you any disrespect.
FATHER
No harm no foul. She didn’t mean to talk back. Tell the nice man, babe.
MOTHER
Tell him what?
FATHER
Tell him we’re not commie bastards. Tell him that you’ll be the mother America wants.
MOTHER
And if I don’t? Government Official pulls out a walkie talkie.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL (In walkie)
Bald Eagle to base, we have a code red, white, and, blue.
FATHER
What does that mean?
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
It means that we have an unfit mother and we need to step in to rectify the situation.
MOTHER
You can’t take my baby.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
We’re the United States government, we can do whatever we want.
Beat.
MOTHER
OKAY! Okay. Call them off.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Do you agree to follow everything on the list?
MOTHER
Sir, please–
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
DO you agree to follow EVERYTHING on the list?
The baby starts to cry. Mother comforts her.
Beat.
MOTHER
Yes.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Wonderful. Let’s get back on track. What’s next on the list? He scans a paper.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
This is the end but I know that there’s another page. He pats his pockets.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Oh dear, it appears I’ve left it in the car. Must’ve needed to make room for the scroll. Please excuse me, I’ll be back with the rest of your new rules to follow as a Mother. Government Official exits. Mother focuses on the baby.
FATHER
He’s awfully nice, don’t you think?
MOTHER (quiet)
I guess.
FATHER
So knowledgable. Isn’t it great that the American government provides women with this resource? How else would you know how to behave?
MOTHER (quiet)
Yeah.
FATHER
American women are so spoiled they don’t even know how good they have it. In the Middle East the government controls what women do. How would you like that?
MOTHER (quiet)
Uh huh.
Father turns on the news and turns up the volume. This time, Mother doesn’t say anything. She hugs the baby to her chest.
FATHER
Babe? Still don’t have that soda. Can you get me one?
LIGHTS OUT.
