A Strange Union
JALILA……………………………………………………………. 23. Moroccan-American.
Impeccable makeup. Wearing
scrubs. Strong Moroccan/French
accent.
CATCALLER……………………………………………….. 21. Drunk. White. American.
Incredibly strong New Jersey accent.
Like Bayonne strong
Of course I do. Well…
Sure. How
No. Definitely not.
No. Not a country.
CHARACTERS
COLIN…………………………………………………… 25. Moderate New York accent.
Scene One
New Jersey Transit train, heading south, departed from New York Penn Station.
COLIN is sitting alone in a long seat, intended for three people. He’s looking down at his phone. JALILA enters. She sits down next to COLIN.
JALILA
Hi.
COLIN
(Almost a question.) …hey.
JALILA
Is it okay if I sit here?
COLIN
Uh sure.
(She sits down, sighs lightly. He looks at her curiously and then looks back at his phone.)
JALILA
I— sorry, it is just— You looked like the only normal person on this train.
COLIN
You look like the only one who came from a hospital.
JALILA
Oh?
COLIN
Or— I mean, the only one who came from working at a hospital.
JALILA
You noticed me?
COLIN
Well.. yeah
JALILA
I mean before now.
COLIN
I noticed you at the station.
JALILA
(Distracted, looking into the near distance.) I see.
COLIN
(Noticing her distraction.) What?
JALILA
(Eyes fixed on a stranger moving towards them; stranger still off.) You see that man?
COLIN
(Looks.) Mmhmm.
JALILA
He was trying to talk to me before. He is weird.
COLIN
(Searching for the weird in the man’s image.) Yeah?
JALILA
Yes. I came here to avoid him.
COLIN
This is making more sense now.
JALILA
I told him I was married.
COLIN
So you’re not?
(She looks at him with playful disapproval.)
JALILA
So when he comes over here, we are married
COLIN
I’m sorry?
JALILA
When he comes over here we will act like we are married. Okay?
COLIN
(His surprise concealing his excitement.) Okay yes.
(CATCALLER enters, lumbering.)
(CATCALLER collapses into the single seat directly across from COLIN and JALILA .)
CATCALLER
(To JALILA.) I found you!
COLIN
Jesus dude.
CATCALLER
(Leaning to look at COLIN .)
Who are you?
COLIN
That’s your opener?
JALILA
That’s his closer.
CATCALLER
She thought she lost me.
JALILA
Is this—are you… trying to hit on me?
CATCALLER
What? Am
JALILA
You’re—
CATCALLER
Oh, no, no, no—
JALILA
It’s just—I mean I’m flattered—but I’m actually married, as I said.
(CATCALLER perks up.)
CATCALLER
No you’re not really.
JALILA
No, really. I am.
CATCALLER
No.
JALILA
Mmhmm. To this one.
(JALILA indicates COLIN.)
(JALILA grabs possessively at COLIN’s arm.)
(COLIN leans forward, gives CATCALLER a small wave.)
CATCALLER
You’re lying to me.
JALILA
I would never.
COLIN
Swear to god.
(She raises her eyebrows at COLIN.)
CATCALLER
I bet you don’t even believe in God.
JALILA COLIN
(Beat as CATCALLER scrutinizes them ridiculously.)
CATCALLER
(About marriage, not god.) No.
JALILA
Yes!
CATCALLER
(To JALILA.) I saw you. You were over there. Then you came over here.
JALILA
Yes. We met on the train. Romantic, right?
COLIN
It really was.
(Beat as JALILA looks at COLIN, trying to determine how he means this.)
CATCALLER
Trying to tell me you met and got married just now.
(COLIN laughs.)
JALILA
No we… arranged. To find each other on this train car. Today.
CATCALLER
Okay if you’re so married. Prove it.
JALILA COLIN
(CATCALLER thinks.)
CATCALLER
You kiss each other now.
(JALILA looks at COLIN as if to say: “fuck it.” He shrugs.)
(They kiss. It is a cute, tiny kiss.)
(HE puts his arm around her, pulling her closer to him. They turn to the CATCALLER for a reaction. CATCALLER is a mix of disbelief and lingering doubt.)
CATCALLER
Anyone can kiss nowadays.
(COLIN laughs, JALILA smiles.)
JALILA
You don’t believe us. It’s okay.
CATCALLER
I don’t know. Why… why are you married though?
COLIN
Why are we married?
JALILA
I’m not from here.
CATCALLER
I can tell.
(COLIN shakes his head.)
JALILA
Wow.
CATCALLER
I mean—I just mean—so what you’re not from here. So what
JALILA
(Gestures to COLIN.) We met here, but when we met, I would have had to go back to my country soon. We married so I could stay.
CATCALLER
Green card marriage!
JALILA
Yes.
(CATCALLER considers this intensely.)
CATCALLER
Where’d you get married?
COLIN
City hall. Jersey City. Quick, cheap. No family.
JALILA
His family actually doesn’t know.
CATCALLER
For real?
COLIN
Yeah. (Almost a question:) But hers… does.
JALILA
My family does know. See, my father is rich back home. He always wanted me to come to the U.S. and he wanted me to purchase property here. My father was a judge, and where I come from, it is very corrupt. It is good to be a judge back home. And now that I’m a citizen here, I can—
CATCALLER
Where you from?
JALILA
Originally, I’m from—
CATCALLER
Wait!!
JALILA
Okay.
CATCALLER
Bet I can guess it.
JALILA
Yes?
COLIN
This I like.
JALILA
Do you?
COLIN
I’m gonna play along.
JALILA
How do you mean?
COLIN
(To JALILA.) Just. (To CATCALLER.) Guess.
(CATCALLER studies JALILA like he’s witnessing a famous piece of art in person for the first time.)
CATCALLER
Mexico.
JALILA COLIN
(JALILA keeps from laughing.)
CATCALLER
The DR.
COLIN
No.
JALILA
(To COLIN.)What?
COLIN
Dominican.
JALILA
Oh.(To CATCALLER.)No.
CATCALLER
This is hard.
(COLIN laughs.)
JALILA
I believe in you.
(Beat. CATCALLER squints at JALILA.)
CATCALLER
Persia!
JALILA COLIN
CATCALLER
Fucking just tell me.
JALILA
I’m originally from Morocco.
COLIN
(His tone indicating he would not have guessed correctly either.)Morocco…
JALILA
But I have lived in Paris for the last… eight years.
COLIN
(Catching up.)She’s really very French now.
JALILA
Very.
COLIN
Which I appreciate.
(She looks at him, unsure.)
CATCALLER
(As if it is a mythical land.) Morocco.
JALILA
That is my homeland. Well, to be precise—
CATCALLER
So you speak… Moroccan then?
JALILA
I speak Arabic.
CATCALLER
Say something—
JALILA
And Berber.
CATCALLER
Say something—
JALILA
And French
COLIN
And English.
JALILA
And English.
COLIN
Impressive.
(She smiles, confident.)
CATCALLER
Say something in… your language.
JALILA
…As-Salamu Alaykum.
CATCALLER
Wow.
JALILA
Mmhmm.
CATCALLER
What does that—
JALILA
So do you believe us?
CATCALLER
Huh?
JALILA
That we’re married.
COLIN
That we’re in love.
CATCALLER
Those are different
JALILA
This is unfortunately true.
COLIN
I’ve been in love a few times. But I never thought I would get married.
JALILA
Especially not likethis. Right?
COLIN
“Like this” how?
CATCALLER
Green card marriage.
COLIN
Never could picture myself down on one knee.
JALILA
And you never were! Guess that’s why it worked.
(A knowing, faux-familiar smile creeps onto half of her face.)
CATCALLER
Because you proposed.
JALILA
I had to. If I wanted to stay in the U.S.
COLIN
It was so soon, too. Looking back at it.
CATCALLER
How fast?
COLIN
Six months.
CATCALLER
(To COLIN.)That’s wild dude.
COLIN
Looking back, yeah. But at the time it seemed like the only thing to do.
JALILA
He’s so sentimental, this one.
COLIN
Well. I didn’t think it would be, like… amarriage.
JALILA
(To CATCALLER.)But it had to be. Because they check, you know.
CATCALLER
Like to see if it’s real?
COLIN
To make sure it’s not just for the green card, yeah.
CATCALLER
Who checks?
JALILA
Immigration officers.
CATCALLER
They investigate?
COLIN
They come over and asked us questions.
JALILA
Unusual questions. Like: “where was our honeymoon.”
CATCALLER
So I could report you.
COLIN
You’re a little demon, huh?
CATCALLER
What!
JALILA
You could report us, yes. But you don’t even know our names.
COLIN JALILA
(Introducing her formally:)And you’re not going to find out—
This is the beautiful Jalila.
CATCALLER
Ah!
JALILA
(Faces him, all aghast. Turns back to CATCALLER.)And this foolish man is… Colin.
CATCALLER
I just wantedhername.(CATCALLER points at her. Sloppily.)
COLIN
So you can get her reported?
JALILA
A seductive little snitch.
CATCALLER
(As if they’ll be disappointed.)I gotta piss.
(CATCALLER lumbers off to find a bathroom.)
COLIN
(Removing his arm from JALILA’s shoulders.)He’s going the wrong direction.
JALILA
I didn’t mind it.
COLIN
The interrogation wasn’t the greatest.
JALILA
I meant your arm.
COLIN
(Awkward.)Oh. I.
(JALILA moves into him, half-joking.)
JALILA
Plus: he will be back eventually.
COLIN
(Comforted by her closeness. He settles in.)You’re pretty good at that.
JALILA
Good at what?
COLIN
Improvising.
JALILA
Oh. Yes, thank you.
COLIN
No problem.
JALILA
But I didn’t really improvise it. I just pretended the future already happened but in the past.
COLIN
I’m sorry?
JALILA
For what?
COLIN
I mean—what do you mean? “The future.”
JALILA
Oh, yes. I am looking for a husband.
COLIN
What!
JALILA
So that I do not have to leave the U.S.
COLIN
Wait, so…
JALILA
I sort of told him the truth. If it all works out. In the end.
COLIN
How soon?
JALILA
How soon would I have to leave?
COLIN
Yeah.
JALILA
A little less than one year. Do you think that is enough time?
COLIN
Yeah probably.(JALILA smiles, anticipatory.)What are the requirements?
JALILA
To be my future husband?
(Colin nods.)
JALILA
(Matter-of-fact.)He must be a citizen of the United States.
COLIN
Nice. I’m in.
JALILA
You are?
COLIN
If that’s the only qualification, then yeah. I qualify.
(JALILA slaps him lightly in the face. He is appalled.)
JALILA
No that is not theonly. He must want to live with me. In New York City, which I have decided will be my new home. He must respect my religion. He must be understanding about the fact that I have never been in a bed with another man before. I might not seem like it to you, but I am actually a very traditional person.
COLIN
You’re right. You don’t seem like it.
JALILA
And he has to love me.
COLIN
And you have to love him?
JALILA
(As if considering this for the first time.)Ah…
COLIN
I’m sorry?
JALILA
I am kidding. And I have to love him.
COLIN
That’s better.
JALILA
You have been in love before? You said to him.
COLIN
Mmhmm.
JALILA
How long does it take?
COLIN
To fall in love with someone?
JALILA
Yes.(Points at COLIN.)For you.
COLIN
Depends, I guess.
JALILA
What does it depend on?
(COLIN thinks.)
COLIN
The other person. The way they are. The way you meet. How attracted you are to that person. How good the sex is.
JALILA
What if there was no sex?
COLIN
Oh. Yeah. Well. That could make it trickier.
JALILA
It could?
COLIN
Yeah. Depending on the person.
JALILA
What about if the person is you?
COLIN
I— have never wondered about this. But if I liked her enough, then yeah. I guess it wouldn’t
matter in the end.
JALILA
It would make for a more interesting wedding day. Right?
COLIN
It… would…
JALILA
You are uncomfortable?
COLIN
No! I’m just—this is an unexpected conversation.
JALILA
I agree with you.
COLIN
Is this the first time you’ve— have you met anyone where—
JALILA
I was seeing someone. But he was not for me. He tried to impress me with money all of the time. I do not need his money. I just need someone comfortable to marry so that I can purchase a home.
COLIN
In New York City.
JALILA
Correct.
COLIN
Well damn.
JALILA
OH! And my future husband must also travel back to Morocco with me.
COLIN
Got it.
JALILA
Once a year.
COLIN
Once a year!
JALILA
This is a “non-negotiable.”
COLIN
All right then.
JALILA
Do you like Moroccan food?
COLIN
Don’t think I’ve ever had it.
JALILA
My future husband must try to enjoy Moroccan food. This is one of the questions they will ask: “what foods does your spouse dislike?”
COLIN
The immigration officers.
JALILA
Yes.
COLIN
Kind of a weird one.
JALILA
Yes. And my future husband is not permitted to answer: “Moroccan food.”
COLIN
So… should we try it together?
JALILA
Are you asking me to be your wife? This is fast.
COLIN
I’m just asking if we should try eating food.
JALILA
We could try.
(CATCALLER returns and collapses into his seat.)
CATCALLER
(Sweet satisfaction.)Ohhh yeah.
COLIN
(To CATCALLER:)You found it?
CATCALLER
What? Oh. Yeah. Oh GUESS WHAT.
JALILA
What.
(CATCALLER holds his cell phone out, arm fully extended, like a child flaunting undeniable evidence.)
CATCALLER
I’mimmigration now.
COLIN
Oh good.
JALILA
You did your research.
COLIN
You have questions for us? Fire away.
CATCALLER
Yes yes yes I do.(Beat as he looks down at his phone. Reading:)“Does your husband get into lots of fights?”
COLIN JALILA
Absolutely. Never.
CATCALLER
Strike one!
COLIN
Okay next pitch.
JALILA
What?
CATCALLER
(Reading:)“What is your husband’s favorite food after a long day of work?”
JALILA
Moroccan food, of course.
(The robotic voice of the “Train Operator,” over the speakers: “This station stop is Asbury Park. When leaving the train, please watch the gap.”)
JALILA
Oh it’s my stop!(To CATCALLER.)I am sorry. No more questions.
COLIN
Our stop, dear.
CATCALLER
Wait—
JALILA
(To COLIN.)Our stop. Of course. Of course. Shall we?
COLIN
We shall.
(JALILA exits.)
COLIN
(Stands, watching JALILA exit. Then, to CATCALLER:)Hey. Guess what. I’ve never even tried Moroccan food before.
End of Play
About the Author
Tyler Plosia is a writer and educator who lives in Brooklyn, New York. He holds an MFA in Playwriting from Queens College, and currently teaches writing at Seton Hall University and Kean University. His plays have been produced as a part of the Thespis Theater Festival, the Last Frontier Theatre Conference and Rooted Theater Company’s Fall Symposium.