Barnacle Bride
Synopsis:
Charlie’s wife drowned nearly 30 years ago, a tragic accident. Or did she? Sometimes
they come back… wet.
Charlie’s wife drowned nearly 30 years ago, a tragic accident. Or did she? Sometimes
they come back… wet.
Characters:
Charlie: 57 years old. Tired.
Brad: 55 years old. Less tired.
Phillis: 23 years old. Dead.
Charlie: 57 years old. Tired.
Brad: 55 years old. Less tired.
Phillis: 23 years old. Dead.
The stage is dim. In the shadows we can just make out the figure of a man sleeping on the floor beside a desk. He breathes heavily. There’s a light knock on the door and the sleeping figure shifts over onto his other side and continues to sleep. Another knock, a bit more insistent. The man suddenly sits up, reaches over and switches on a small lamp at the corner of the desk. We see now that this is Charlie’s office and he’s been sleeping fully dressed, shirt and tie, in a sleeping bag.
CHARLIE. Hello?
BRAD. (through the door) Charlie?
CHARLIE. …yes?
BRAD. (through the door) It’s Brad, buddy. Can I come in?
CHARLIE. Bradley?
BRAD. (through the door) Yes! Let me in. (twisting the doorknob) It’s locked.
CHARLIE. Just a minute.
Charlie rises to his feet with some effort, favoring his lower back. There’s a cane leaning against the desk and he considers using it, but his vanity kicks in and he snatches it up instead, tossing it behind the desk with a loud clatter. He limps over to the office door and briefly composes himself before opening it just a crack. Brad aggressively pushes his head inside.
BRAD. You alone?
CHARLIE. What are you doing here? What time is it?
BRAD. 3:45 in the AM, buddy. Can I bring the rest of me in?
Charlie reluctantly swings the door open and Brad walks in. He’s wearing a tracksuit. He sees the sleeping bag on the floor.
BRAD. (cont’d) Angie said you were at the Motel 6.
CHARLIE. That’s what I told her. But I’m sleeping here until I figure some things out.
BRAD. So why didn’t you call me! My couch is your couch, buddy.
CHARLIE. No, thanks.
BRAD. Don’t be an asshole, what are friends for?
CHARLIE. You’ve got the wife and the kids.
BRAD. Not too crazy about any of them, if I’m honest. Come stay with us.
CHARLIE. I’ll be fine.
BRAD. On the floor? You’ve got a bad back, buddy.
CHARLIE. Everybody has a bad back. Who do you know over 40 doesn’t have a bad back?
BRAD. Are you trying to punish yourself or something?
CHARLIE. How’d you know I was here?
BRAD. I honestly have no idea. Just a feeling. Something compelled me to come. It’s not like me, but here I am. Mind if I sit?
CHARLIE. Go ahead.
Brad takes a chair in front of the desk. Charlie seats himself behind the desk, a fancy leather chair with ergonomic pillows.
BRAD. Have you called her?
CHARLIE. She doesn’t want to hear from me.
BRAD. How do you know? She’s probably sitting by her phone waiting for you to call. (looking down at the floor) Why’s your floor all wet?
CHARLIE. Is it?
BRAD. Stinks, too.
CHARLIE. I don’t even notice anymore.
BRAD. What the hell’s going on, buddy?
CHARLIE. …It’s bad.
BRAD. OK. Tell me.
CHARLIE. It’s really bad, Brad.
BRAD. So tell me.
Charlie opens a drawer in his desk, takes out a bottle and 2 glasses, pours each of them a drink.
CHARLIE. You better sit down. (Brad gestures that he’s already sitting). You remember Phillis?
BRAD. Phillis, your late wife Phillis? (Charlie nods) Sure, of course I remember. Very
sad time. I thought you didn’t like to talk about that whole thing.
sad time. I thought you didn’t like to talk about that whole thing.
CHARLIE. She’s back.
They sit in silence for a moment.
BRAD. What do you mean, “back”?
CHARLIE. She came back.
BRAD. Who, Phillis?
CHARLIE. Yes.
BRAD. (laughs) Like alive?
CHARLIE. Showed up at the house the other night. Right out of the blue. Angie’s upstairs sleeping and I’m watching t.v. in the living room when suddenly I hear this thud, like somebody slapping a dead fish against the front door or something.
BRAD. Buddy…
CHARLIE. I get up, I go to the door, I open it… and it’s her.
BRAD. Buddy…
CHARLIE. Soaking wet and covered with seaweed and eaten away somewhat, but it’s her alright, I mean there’s no mistaking Phillis.
BRAD. Buddy…
CHARLIE. So I let her in.
BRAD. That’s– There’s no–
CHARLIE. You think I don’t know? Crazy, right? All these years later.
BRAD. Phillis is dead, buddy. She fell off the boat. They never found her.
CHARLIE. That’s just it. They never did find her, did they? The body.
BRAD. There is no way that she swam over 10 miles to shore in the middle of the night in freezing cold water. She drowned, buddy.
CHARLIE. You’re right about that. She confirmed it.
BRAD. C’mon.
CHARLIE. And you were there, right? That night.
BRAD. Yeah I was there. Me and Betty.
CHARLIE. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure at first. It’s been a lot of years, but she reminded me. I didn’t know you too well then. There were 6 or 7 of us and I think you were probably the only one I didn’t know.
BRAD. Betty and Phillis were friends. I’d only been with her a couple weeks.
CHARLIE. That’s right. Funny the things you remember. I mean, at first I couldn’t recall if you were even there. Now I not only remember you were, but that you were openly flirting with her. Phillis, I mean. The whole day and that night, too.
BRAD. Bullshit, I was not.
CHARLIE. But you were. I remember thinking “that son of a bitch has a lot of nerve. This is my party, my boat, and this asshole who I barely know is trying to make my wife.”
BRAD. Buddy, I never.
CHARLIE. You’re going to want to stop calling me “buddy.”
BRAD. What is this? Why are you bringing this up now?
CHARLIE. Because like I said she’s back.
BRAD. That’s not funny. I don’t know what you’re getting at, but it’s not funny.
CHARLIE. They pressed me hard, you know. The cops. Husband’s always the first one they suspect, right? They figure a couple of newlyweds partying with their friends, drinking, probably had a fight at some point and it got out of hand and I hit her and tossed her overboard.
BRAD. They never charged you. Nobody thought that.
CHARLIE. Her parents did. They were convinced it was me. Even started giving interviews with newspapers and local news. You remember?
BRAD. Vaguely.
CHARLIE. It was a hell of a time. I finally moved here to get away from it.
BRAD. You made a good life for yourself.
CHARLIE. I thought so. Took a long time, but I finally put it behind me. Met Angie. We’ve been happy.
BRAD. She’s a good lady.
CHARLIE. Yeah she is. She put up with my shit for years, all my demons and everything, night terrors, drugs, booze. But she changed me, you know? I stopped drinking because of that woman. (Brad eyes the bottle and glasses) Well, I had 8 years sober, anyway. Life was finally going along nicely and I had no reason to believe it wouldn’t continue along in that vein.
BRAD. You’re a lucky–
CHARLIE. But then you show up. Just like Phillis, out of the blue. What was that, a month ago now? Hadn’t seen you in 30 years and suddenly you walk into my office.
BRAD. We moved here and I heard that you lived here too, that’s all.
CHARLIE. And then Phillis. Man has to wonder if it’s a coincidence.
BRAD. Phillis is dead! She’s DEAD, Charlie, she’s not showing up at your door, OK?
CHARLIE. (to the bluetooth speaker on this desk) Alexa, play “Ride of the Valkyries.” The speaker activates: “Playing ‘Ride of the Valkyries,’ from Richard Wagner’s Ring Cycle.”
The song begins to play.
CHARLIE. (to Brad) I couldn’t resist. Little dramatic flourish. (now looking down at his feet, somewhere under the large desk, addressing something hidden there) It’s OK. You can come up.
Charlie continues to look down as Phillis slowly rises up from under the desk. She’s soaking wet, pale from death and the Ocean’s ravages, still covered with seaweed. Her motions are awkward and jerky as she gains her balance and stands fully upright. Brad sits white-knuckled and gobsmacked in his chair. Charlie, who’s had more time to adjust to Phillis’s appearance, takes a more nonchalant approach to the sight of her dripping carcass.
CHARLIE. (cont’d,to the bluetooth speaker) Alexa, stop. (music stops. to Brad) Imagine Angie’s reaction when she walked into the living room and found Phillis standing there in all her soggy glory.
BRAD. Jesus. Jesus Christ.
CHARLIE. Exactly. Of course she freaks out, who wouldn’t? Kicks us both out. I had nowhere else to bring her.
BRAD. Oh my God.
CHARLIE. I know. Holy shit, right?
BRAD. No no no. No way. This isn’t real. That’s not Phillis.
CHARLIE. Look at her, Brad. Look at her face. I mean, a little pale and fish-eaten, but it’s her. Tell me it isn’t.
Brad rises to his feet, approaches Phillis cautiously. He stops a few feet from her, leans in and studies her face. As a horrified recognition creeps in, she turns her head with labored effort and looks directly at him, her eyes widening. She opens her mouth to speak, causing a flood of water and a tiny fish to pour out. Brad springs back.
BRAD. Ah!
CHARLIE. That happens sometimes. Like she’s clearing her throat or something.
Phillis struggles to speak. Her speech is intelligible, but it sounds more like gargling.
PHILLIS. (raising her hand and pointing a trembling finger at Brad) It was you… Bwad.
CHARLIE. Isn’t that cute? She called you “Bwad.”
BRAD. (to Charlie) She’s sick. Maybe water on the brain. Or hypothermia. I never touched her!
PHILLIS. My new dwess!
CHARLIE. She’s been on about you ruining her dress, too. It’s dry-clean only.
PHILLIS. Wepwace!
CHARLIE. She wants you to replace it.
Brad nervously fishes out his wallet and hands it to Brad.
BRAD. Whatever she needs. Anything.
CHARLIE. And she wants you to admit what you did.
PHILLIS. Admit, Bwad!
CHARLIE. I guess she needs closure.
BRAD. I’m not admitting anything! She got a tough break. I feel bad for her.
Charlie extracts a few bills from Brad’s wallet and tosses the wallet back to him.
CHARLIE. Why’d you do it, Bradley? Did she turn you down? Spurn your advances? Was it an ego thing?
BRAD. I never touched her! (Phillis picks a paperweight off the desk and tosses it ungracefully at Brad, who dodges out of the way) Tell her to stop!
CHARLIE. Are you kidding? I’m not telling her anything, “buddy.” (Phillis starts to lumber sluggishly toward Brad) For years I tore myself apart wondering what ever happened to her.
BRAD. (backing up) Keep her away from me!
CHARLIE. But you moved on with your life, didn’t you? Got married. Had kids.
Phillis continues to advance on Brad.
BRAD. (near desperation) Stop! Listen. Buddy. Truth is it was an accident. A freak
accident. She slipped. She fell.
accident. She slipped. She fell.
CHARLIE. You threw her overboard. That’s what happened. Isn’t it?
BRAD. No, hell no! Look, OK, I did try to kiss her and then she jumped back and just
lost her balance and went over. I tried to grab her.
lost her balance and went over. I tried to grab her.
PHILLIS. He gwope me!
CHARLIE. She seems to remember it differently. What can I say, I wasn’t there. I was in my cabin waiting for her. Anyway, it’s all he said/she said now, isn’t it? It’s not even my business anymore, I’m with Angie now. Whatever happens here is between the 2 of you. I have to respect that.
Phillis now has Brad backed against the wall.
BRAD. BUDDY!
CHARLIE. I’m just going to switch off this lamp and give you crazy kids a chance to work this thing out in private.
BRAD. No, don’t! Listen, I’ve got to get going, Charlie. I’ve got to get going!
Charlie leans across the desk and switches off the lamp, plunging the stage into total darkness. We hear Brad’s heavy, rapid breathing and then a great, moist gurgling slurp silences it. There’s a short pause.
CHARLIE. (his voice in the dark) Hello? Guys? We all good? What should l…? I’ll just sit here a while, shall I? Let you finish up… Hello? OK, then… By the way, the office is closed tomorrow, so… take your time.
END.
About the Author
Heinrich Lyle was born in Cambridge, England. Grew up in Canada and America. Former actor (AKA Heinrich James), his novel, “Shameless Dick: Odyssey of a Cad” was published in 2017 by Loose Moose Publishing. “Barnacle Bride, his short play, was presented in September, 2023 as part of the Northern Arizona Playwriting Showcase. His play, “Gargoyle,” was presented in shortened version as part of the Short and Sweet Festival in Dubai, 2022. Another play, “Stan and Ollie: The Desperate Years,” was short-listed for Short and Sweet Festivals in India, Dubai, and Hollywood. “Confessions of Fritz Feldenfortz,” another short play, was published in “Fresh Words: An Anthology of One-Act Plays, V. 5,” in the fall of 2022.