The Secret Life of Lizards
CHARACTERS
CLOWN 1: FEMALE, ANY AGE.
CLOWN 2: MALE, ANY AGE.
DOUG, THE LIZARDMAN: EARLY 40S.
NOTE: The clowns should speak at a very fast pace.
CLOWN 2: MALE, ANY AGE.
DOUG, THE LIZARDMAN: EARLY 40S.
NOTE: The clowns should speak at a very fast pace.
TIME: NOW
LOCATIONS: MULTIPLE
The curtains are down as lights come up. From behind them we start hearing one side of a dialogue:
CLOWN 1
(offstage)
Well, where is he! Uh… No, I can’t, I cant! There’s a balance to these things, I can’t just do it alone. They’re gonna hate it, they’re gonna hate me! Ok! Fine, fine!
CLOWN1 comes through the curtains. She stares at the audience, opens a wide smile.
CLOWN 1
Hi. Hello. How we, uh, how we doing today friends? It’s so nice to have you here, I’m sorry if this isn’t like, great, I usually have a partner to open the show with and… Doesn’t matter! Does noooot matter. I’ll just, uh, do you folks like juggling?
She puts her head back inside the curtains.
CLOWN 1
CAN I HAVE SOM E BALLS?! TENNIS BALLS?! WHAT?! He… He has them . Ok.
(looks back to the audience)
Alright, it’s a “no” for the juggling… But maybe, maybe I could do some jokes, huh? Like… Oh, of course! This is a good one. What do you do if you’re attacked by a gang of clowns? You go straight for the juggler!
She smiles and does “jazz hands”.
CLOWN 1
No? Tough crowd. How about… What do you get when you boil a clown? LAUGHING STOCK! HA! M an, this is bad. Do you… Uh, do you… I’m so sorry … Do you wanna know why the clown went to the doctor? This is so bad, it’s terrible. I’m not even gonna… Sorry for taking your time, I’m just gonna–
CLOWN 2
(offstage)
I’m here! I’m here! Stop the presses! I’ve made it!
CLOWN 2 comes rushing through the curtains. He carries around two dozen tennis balls in his arms. Some of them fall on the floor.
CLOWN 2
I’ve got the balls! I’m here! Crisis averted.
CLOWN 1
Where were you!?
CLOWN 2
Stuck in traffic! Commute takes a while when there are twenty of us in the same car!
CLOWN1
Don’t even try it… They are not digging the jokes.
CLOWN 2
Also, I had to stop at the doctor.
CLOWN 1
Please don’t.
CLOWN 2
Cause I was feeling funny!
He open a big smile and also does “jazz hands”, dropping all the tennis balls on the floor.
CLOWN 1
Get it together!
CLOWN 2
You’re right, you’re right… M y mind is all over the place. I haven’t been doing all that well to be honest.
Clown 1 looks at Clown 2.
CLOWN 2
Aren’t you gonna ask why?
CLOWN 1
You’re feeling funny. I know.
CLOWN 2
That was a joke, I’m for realsies now.
CLOWN 1
I know you’re just gonna give me a punchline.
CLOWN 2
I’m serious! I’m like, tormented, right now. In deep emotional pain!
CLOWN 1
…Why?
CLOWN 2
(dead serious)
My wife left me.
CLOWN 1
Actually? What happened?
CLOWN 2
Guess she finally had enough of my drinking…
CLOWN 1
Gee, I’m so sorry, bud.
CLOWN 2
I think she already found a new boyfriend too.
CLOWN 1
That’s… Really rough, I didn’t know.
CLOWN 2
But I can tell you one thing, whoever this new guy is… HE’S GONNA HAVE SOME BIG SHOES TO FILL!
Jazz hands and waves at his clown shoes.
CLOWN 1
I HATE YOU!
CLOWN 2
Damn, they’re really not into the jokes. Did you tell the “laughing stock” one?
CLOWN 1
Zero laughs.
CLOWN 2
Huh. Guess, we’re just gonna have to try something else then. A special treat.
CLOWN 1
Oh? You have a little…. A little card up your sleeve!
CLOWN 2
Yes ma’am, brand new show.
(to the audience)
For yoooour entertainment.
CLOWN 1
What is it? Spill the beans!
CLOWN 2
The Secret Life of The Lizardman!
CLOWN 1
Hooked! I’m hooked!
CLOWN 2
You’ve heard about him, you might have seen pictures of him on the interwebs, you might have even seen him at the Guinness book of world records!
CLOWN 1
He’s a superstar, there’s no other way to put it.
CLOWN 2
Our very own, Lizardman! But this, this is a special attraction. Because you’ll be granted answers to questions you have pondered your whole lives! What does the lizardman do! How does he…
CLOWN 1
Spend his free time?
CLOWN 2
What does he eat?!
CLOWN 1
Insects probably, I don’t know! Where does he live?
CLOWN 2
I hope it’s some kind of dungeon, or a swamp! I do wonder what kind of crazy sadistic
lizard things the lizardman does.
lizard things the lizardman does.
CLOWN 1
It can’t be described, has to be witnessed!
CLOWN 2
So without further ado…
CLOWN 1 AND CLOWN 2
THE SECRET LIFE OF THE LIZARDM AN!
They turn towards the stage with great excitement as the curtains opens, revealing: DOUG, The Lizardman. His skin is covered with green tattoos, Teflon horns subdermally implanted above each of his eyes, bifurcated tongue, sharp teeth. Look at Eric Sprague for reference.
He sits centerstage on a la-z-boy chair, wearing a pink cotton robe, fresh out of bed. He has a bowl of Froot Loopes on his lap and reads a book containing a collection of Garfield comic strips. The clowns attentively look at him. Doug, with his eyes on the book, does not notice them. Doug smiles, pleased with himself, and mutters “Oh, Odie…”. The clowns look at each other, confused. Clown 1 shrugs. Clown 2 slowly approaches Doug.
He sits centerstage on a la-z-boy chair, wearing a pink cotton robe, fresh out of bed. He has a bowl of Froot Loopes on his lap and reads a book containing a collection of Garfield comic strips. The clowns attentively look at him. Doug, with his eyes on the book, does not notice them. Doug smiles, pleased with himself, and mutters “Oh, Odie…”. The clowns look at each other, confused. Clown 1 shrugs. Clown 2 slowly approaches Doug.
CLOWN 2
What are you doing?!
This scares the living day lights out of Doug, who drops his cereal bowl on the floor, and almost falls off the chair.
DOUG
What the fuck! How did you get here?
(looks at the audience)
How did I get here?!
CLOWN 2
This is boring!
CLOWN 1
So boring.
DOUG
Why… What’s going on?
CLOWN 2
A performance.
CLOWN 1
Special attraction.
DOUG
But… This… This is my day off.
CLOWN 2
And this is the secret life of the lizardman!
CLOWN 1
We came see how you live! What do you do! In all your glory and splendor.
CLOWN 2
But this, what is this… Garfield? Come on, Lizardman.
DOUG
I… Like Garfield in the morning.
CLOWN 2
(looking at the contents of the bowl)
And what’s this you were eating, colorful beetles?!
DOUG
Froot Loops.
The clowns make gagging motions.
DOUG
I know… A guy my age? So sugary. I usually have Raisin Bran, but as I keep telling you this is my day off and I like indulging–
CLOWN 2
No one cares! This is not what I expected.
(to the audience)
I’m sorry, I’m confused ,and I’m sorry.
CLOWN 1
I don’t know why the lizardman–
DOUG
Doug.
CLOWN 1
What?
DOUG
My name is Doug. I don’t… Go by lizardman. That’s just… M y act.
CLOWN 2
This is terrible. This was supposed to be an authentic, never before seen experience and you’ve ruined it!
Clown 2 starts loudly sobbing.
CLOWN 1
Wait, wait! M aybe there’s hope! Maybe lizard… Doug. Maybe Doug just needs to warm up and the rest of his day is… Exciting and thrilling.
CLOWN 2
Is it?
DOUG
Uh… Sure.
CLOWN 1
See, big guy? It’s gonna be alright.
CLOWN 2
(recomposing)
I’m sorry… Since my wife left me… It really messed me up.
CLOWN 1
I thought that was just the set up of a… Doesn’t matter! So Doug! What else do you do?
The two clowns attentive look at him.
CLOWN 2
The audience is waiting…
DOUG
Fine.
CLOWN 1 AND CLOWN 2
YAAAAAY!
DOUG
I guess… Since you guys ruined my breakfast, I could go get something to eat.
The clowns quickly move around getting rid of the chair, bowl, Garfield; and do their best to set up what appears to be a burger joint: A couple tables with chairs, a counter for the cashier. Clown 1 sits at one of the tables and starts eating a burger, Clown 2 plays the cashier. Doug watches all of this, overwhelmed. Clown 1, as a customer, has her eyes glued on Doug. So does Clown 2. Doug skeptically approaches the counter.
DOUG
Hi. Can you get me a–
CLOWN 2
Sorry, can you give me a sec, I need to talk to my manager.
Clown 2 walks away and starts talking and arguing to an invisible manager. It should look over the top. Doug looks around. His eyes meet Clown 1’s, actively staring at him.
She stares at her, deadpan. It gets uncomfortable. She looks away. Clown 2 comes back.
CLOWN 2
Hi, sorry about that, what are you having?
DOUG
Just uh… Cheese burger and uh, something sweet. I don’t know. Vanilla milkshake. I only eat sugar on my days off so…
CLOWN 2
No judgment here… Would you perhaps like extra flies with that?
DOUG
No. And that would be a frog. Lizards don’ even–
CLOWN 2
Alrighty! And that would be to go?
DOUG
To stay.
CLOWN 2
Unfortunately, we’re full.
Doug looks around, there’s a vacant table right next to Clown 1.
DOUG
Is that so?
CLOWN 2
Yeppers.
DOUG
There’s a table right there.
CLOWN 2
Yeah… But don’t you think it’d be better if you’d just take it with you? I think everyone would feel more comfortable.
DOUG
I see what you’re doing.
CLOWN 2
I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, sir..
DOUG
This is fucked up.
CLOWN 2
(suddenly serious)
Sir, I don’t want any trouble.
DOUG
Too bad cause, uh, I’m not going anywhere.
CLOWN 2
Yeah?
DOUG
Yeah.
Clown 1 looks a little too uncomfortable during this. Clown 2 takes out a baseball bat from under the counter and places it on top of it.
CLOWN 2
You sure about that?
DOUG
(retreating)
Is this a joke…
CLOWN 2
(approaching him with the bat)
You tell me.
CLOWN 1
(getting up and standing between them)
Wow! That got real weird real fast! Why don’t we calm down a little and–
Clown 2 smiles, throws the baseball bat over his shoulder, without looking back.
CLOWN 2
What?! It was just part of the bit! I wasn’t gonna hit him.
An uncomfortable silence. Clown 2 looks at Doug with a weird smile.
CLOWN 2
I wasn’t gonna hit you.
DOUG
Okay…
CLOWN 1
Right… So, uh, maybe we should do something else! Let’s move on shall we?
DOUG
This is messed up. I don’t wanna do this anymore.
CLOWN 2
Give the people what they want.
CLOWN 1
Uh… What else does Doug do, huh? Day off Doug, what does he do?
The clowns strike the current scene, getting rid of the tables and chairs. Doug keeps his eyes on Clown 2.
DOUG
Can I just go home?
The clowns look at him.
DOUG
Fine, ok. I guess I’d go to the park and walk my–
CLOWN 1
You’re pet!
CLOWN 2
(to the audience)
What kind of pet does lizardman have?
CLOWN 1
A, a, a…. An alligator!
CLOWN 2
Or a big fat snake.
CLOWN 1
Ooooor an Iguana!
DOUG
(under his breath)
Ferrets.
CLOWN 2
Must have a teju.
CLOWN 1
Oh, what’s that?!
CLOWN 2
Like an iguana, but bigger, meaner.
CLOWN 1
Big boy?
CLOWN 2
Almost fife feet–
DOUG
FERRETS! I HAVE THREE FERRETS. Niebler, Houdine, and Fozzie.
CLOWN 1
Ok… That’s kind of exotic.
CLOWN 2
Let’s see him walking his ferrets then.
Clown 1 gives Doug three leashes. Then she and Clown 1 move away and start playing mother and young son. Clown 2 takes out a lollip op and goes onto his knees. Clown 1 holds his hand. Doug closes his eyes and waits for the turmoil to begin.
CLOWN 2
M OM M A!
CLOWN 1
Yes, munchkin.
CLOWNS 2
(points at Doug)
What is thaaaaaat.
CLOWN 1
It’s not a “what”, songbird, it’s a “who”.
CLOWN 2
Whoooo is that. Is he a turtle?!
DOUG
For fuck sakes.
CLOWN 1
No, jellybean, I think he’s… A man. “Dressed” as a lizard.
CLOWN 2
Oooooh. Looks like a monster. A horrible disgusting monster. Something that lives in the
sewers.
sewers.
CLOWN 1
(a little weirded out)
Uh. Sure….
CLOWN 2
But, but, but, but. Why is he like that? Why is he, uh, a lizard, Momma! Why in God’s name would he do such a nasty thing to himself?
CLOWN 1
Well… M uffin top, that’s probably something that only him and the devil knows?
CLOWN 2
Is he, is he, is he… A sorcerer, mommy! A vessel of Satan?! A demon in disgui–
DOUG
IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION, JUST ASK IT.
CLOWN 2
Why? Why did you…
DOUG
(speaking quickly)
When I was in college, where I graduate with honors in philosophy, I hit upon the idea of using body modification procedures for a body based art piece that would explore the idea of what it means to be human… From a linguistic standpoint. I was working with philosophy of language and the principles put forth by Wittgenstein, the great Austrian philosopher, as his later works offered an interesting potential for exploration in relation to the “transformation ideas” I’d been working with in art. Wittgenstein suggested that one way in which we are able to apply one term to many different objects is because they share a sort of “family resemblance” and thinking on how this principle related to the use of terms like ‘human being”, “person”… In the sense that people identify others as humans based on observation of physical characteristics and behaviors, I decided to modify those aspects of myself in a manner which would significantly differentiate me from other “human beings”. AND to achieve this differentiation I changed my body permanently because I felt that a permanent commitment to the artistic statement was necessary. Happy now?
CLOWN 1
Wh… Why a lizard?
DOUG
I really liked Godzilla growing up.
Silence. Clown 2 stands up from his knees.
CLOWN 2
Okay. This isn’t going as planned.
DOUG
Did you hear a word of what I said?
CLOWN 2
Yeah, yeah… I just, you know. Just wanted a show. That’s what we are here for? To give people a show. Entertainment. But this is terrible, it isn’t fun at all. This man just has the most boring life in the world, it’s pathetic really. Maybe just go back to the old tricks, huh?
DOUG
Is that so?
CLOWN 2
Yeah, just shove some scissors up your nose or whatever. People love that.
DOUG
Do they now?
CLOWN 2
Uh-huh. Give us the greatest hits, eat some bugs, hang some things on your ear lobes, you know the drill. Up and at ‘em.
DOUG
No, I don’t think so.
CLOWN 2
Sure, just please? People paid tickets for this.
DOUG
Yeah, but. It is my day off.
CLOWN 2
You’re here now, though, and people ae waiting. I’m waiting. So do it. Do something. Come on.
CLOWN 1
Maybe we should…
CLOWN 2
JUST DO SOM ETHING!
Silence.
Doug looks at the audience. Looks at Clown 2. Starts climbing down the stage.
CLOWN 2
What are you doing.
Doug starts exits through the audience.
CLOWN 2
What the hell do you think you’re doing! Get back here now! Come back! Get your fucking ass on this stage right now and do something, you little monster!
Doug is gone.
CLOWN 1
(gently grabbing his arm)
Maybe we should–
CLOWN 2
Get your hands off me!
Clown 1 backs away, exiting to the wings.
CLOWN 2
Who the fuck he thinks he is! How could he? How dare he?! That boring, useless, fucking… Did you see how–
Clown 2 notices clown 1 is gone. He’s alone on the stage. A terrible silence as he looks at the audience. Suddenly he hastily gathers some of the tennis balls he had previously dropped and starts juggling. With three balls. With four balls. With five balls and… He makes a mistake and drops them all on the floor.
Beat. He looks at the audience.
CLOWN 2
What the fuck are you staring at?
Black out, End of play.
About the Author
Fernando Buzhar Segall was born in São Paulo, Brazil, in 1997 from a family of Lebanese and Jewish immigrants. He came to the US in 2016 where he Graduated from NYU Tisch with a double major in Drama and Television writing. He’s written multiple short plays that were performed across the US. Full length Play Saudades received a reading sponsored by NYC City Corps in 2021, a reading at the Brazilian consul of NYC in 2022, was a part of American Stages 21st Century Voices 2022 and part of LPAC’s Rough Draft Festival 2023 before having its world premiere at JACK. He currently works as a Screenwriter in Brazil with two features in development, including “Wrong Place, Wrong Time” with renowned Brazilian director Pedro Morelli (showrunner for Netflix’s Irmandade, Zoom with Gael Garcial Bernal and Alisson Pill) attached to direct; while also pursuing a masters degree in playwriting at Columbia University.