*Content Warnings: Depictions of stalking, sex, sexual assault, crude language*
Buttermilk
A Short Play
By Jordan Flux
Characters
MIRA (woman, 30s or 40s)
SAL (man, 20s or 30s)
RIVER (any)
MIRA strolls down an (imagined) grocery aisle, studies the (imagined) items on the shelves, picks some up, puts some back, puts some into her basket. SAL is watching her from afar. He walks in her direction, keeping a distance. He looks at nearby grocery items, picks one up, glances back at Mira. When their eyes meet, Sal quickly looks away and continues shopping. Mira walks up to Sal and confronts him.
MIRA
(tense)
I want you to stop.
SAL
— — — Huh?
MIRA
Stop it. Go away. Go away! Stop following me.
SAL
Stop following …
(chuckles)
I’m shopping, ma’am. I’m allowed to shop here, no?
MIRA
I’m not an idiot. This is the third place you’re following me around to. Go away or I will scream.
Sal smirks.
MIRA
I’m calling the police.
Pause.
SAL
All right, all right. Have a nice day, lady.
Sal smiles, walks backward a couple of steps while still looking at her.
MIRA
(less tense)
Buttermilk.
Sal looks around.
SAL
Uh — should be over there by the — by the dairy stuff. You want me to —
MIRA
No. Buttermilk.
Beat. The energy shifts.
SAL
Oh. Buttermilk.
(laughs)
Sorry. I thought —
MIRA
Yeah, I know. Should’ve picked a different safe word. Not very convenient. In a supermarket.
SAL
Right. Right. — Maybe if it was a convenience store. Then it’d be convenient.
MIRA
— — — What?
SAL
‘Cause you said it’s not very —
MIRA
Oh. Yes. Convenient. I get it.
SAL
Yeah, sorry. Not very funny. Not my best material.
Pause.
SAL
So, cool.
MIRA
So, yeah.
SAL
So, you wanna take a break, or?
MIRA
No. I don’t think so.
SAL
Okay. Cool. So …
MIRA
I think we’ll just call it a day, okay?
SAL
Oh. Okay. Is it … is it because —
MIRA
I’m just not feeling it.
SAL
Okay. I mean, should we talk about that?
MIRA
I … No. I’m sorry. I don’t even know what I was thinking.
SAL
No, don’t be sorry.
MIRA
I’m sure you’re a great guy.
SAL
I’m just trying to understand —
MIRA
I’m just … Don’t worry. I’m just not feeling it.
SAL
Okay. — Feeling what, really?
MIRA
The … the menace.
SAL
The menace …
MIRA
Yeah. That … kick. That … terror and … and that thrill.
SAL
(with an understanding smile)
Oh. I hear ya. I hear ya.
MIRA
Anyway —
SAL
I can work with that. I … You wanna try again?
MIRA
No.
SAL
Like, from the top?
MIRA
Thanks for your time.
SAL
Okay. You sure?
MIRA
Yeah. Bye.
SAL
Wait — so … How are we gonna do this?
MIRA
Do what?
SAL
You got the cash, or?
MIRA
Uh — no. I got like —
(checks her pocket)
— seventy-five cents.
SAL
Well — we said cash, right? That was the agreement.
MIRA
It’s at my hotel. Since we were gonna end up there, originally.
SAL
Okay —
MIRA
Didn’t necessarily wanna drag around three hundred in cash with me. Never know what shady characters one might come across, am I right? Ha.
SAL
They must have an ATM here, no?
MIRA
Come on, that was funny.
SAL
(not laughing)
Yeah, totally. Can we go find an ATM and —
MIRA
I don’t have my ATM card with me. Besides —
SAL
You don’t … you don’t have your wallet?
MIRA
It’s not in my wallet. I don’t really do cash, normally.
SAL
Okay — then let’s go to your place and —
MIRA
No, please. And considering —
SAL
So what then? You’re not gonna just cheat me out of three hundred bucks. Why don’t —
MIRA
Okay, so, considering that this was not at all what I had in mind, and considering that —
SAL
Okay — whatever — it was still my time. And we had an agreement.
MIRA
Your time, okay — first of all, this was supposed to be the whole day, and it’s not even noon yet.
SAL
Well, I’m available. I’m here. What’s your —
MIRA
I took a mental health day for this. I have two mental health days per year, and I already took —
SAL
Yeah, I could’ve done an Uber shift, which — there’s a big convention in town, but I’m doing this instead.
Mira turns around and walks away.
MIRA
I do feel flattered that you chose me over the conventioneers —
He follows her.
SAL
Hey!
He stands in her way.
SAL
(harsh)
What’s your Venmo?
MIRA
Huh?
SAL
Your Venmo. You have Venmo?
MIRA
Uh — no.
SAL
Paypal?
MIRA
No.
Pause.
SAL
Get your phone.
Pause.
MIRA
Why?
SAL
Install the Venmo app.
MIRA
I didn’t bring my phone.
SAL
You didn’t — are you serious? I’m supposed to believe …
(remembers)
I saw you use your phone earlier!
He stands very close to her.
SAL
(calm, menacing)
Get. Your. Fucking. Phone.
Mira looks into his eyes, breathing heavily.
SAL
Now.
Pause.
Mira slowly turns toward the grocery shelves. She strolls down the aisle, studies the items on the shelves, picks some up, puts some back, puts some into her basket. Occasionally, she glances at Sal, who is watching her from afar. He walks in her direction, keeping a distance. He looks at nearby grocery items, picks one up, glances back at Mira. When their eyes meet, Mira quickly looks away and continues shopping. Sal slowly approaches her. Mira looks back at Sal and confronts him.
MIRA
(tense)
Stop it! Stop following me!
SAL
Uh …
MIRA
I know what you’re doing. I’m going to scream.
SAL
Sorry, are we doing this now?
MIRA
Excuse me?
SAL
Are we … Are we back in the … Sorry, I’m just confused right now.
Pause.
MIRA
(resigned)
Buttermilk.
SAL
No, I didn’t mean to … I just wasn’t sure if —
MIRA
Fuck off, loser.
Mira walks away quickly. Sal looks after her for a few seconds, then follows her until he catches up with her.
SAL
(angry)
Hey!
He grabs her upper arm from behind, yanks her around. Mira cries out, shakes him off.
MIRA
(furious, but keeping calm)
Do. Not. Touch me.
A shift in energy.
SAL
(apologetic)
Was that too hard?
MIRA
No, no, you’re fine.
(speaking toward the audience)
What did it look like? Should he, like —
RIVER, who has been sitting in the audience, rises and approaches the stage.
RIVER
Why don’t we pause here. That was very good. But let’s — uh — actually, let’s take a moment here, shake off the energy from the scene …
They all stand together in a triangle, Mira and Sal facing each other.
RIVER
Hands … arms …
They flap their arms, shake their torsos, jump up and down.
RIVER
Some deep breaths … in for four …
They slowly breathe in, hold their breath, and slowly breathe out. During the outbreath, Sal takes a step back.
RIVER
All right. So, thank you, Sal, for checking in. Mira, how are you feeling about the arm grab?
MIRA
Oh, no problem. I actually thought it could be a bit more aggressive, but I —
SAL
Even more?
RIVER
(to Mira)
I’m not sure he needs to be more aggressive, but can you make sure … She’s heading for the exit as fast as she can, trying to get outta there, so if you got that momentum, even a relatively light shoulder grab will spin you around quite effectively.
MIRA SAL
Gotcha. Arm grab.
RIVER
Arm grab, yes, sorry. Sal, how are you doing?
SAL
Good, good.
RIVER
Anything feel uncomfortable or unsafe?
SAL
Uhmmh …
He shakes his head tentatively.
RIVER
I thought I was — sensing something, but …
SAL
Not unsafe, no. I just … Sorry, but when he’s right in front of her face, during the “Get your fucking phone” — and she, like, breathes, like —
Mira puts her hand over her mouth.
MIRA
Oh my god.
RIVER
What?
SAL
No, it’s not a big deal —
Mira takes a step back.
MIRA
I am so sorry. I had this stir fry, and it was so garlicky, and I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking.
SAL
No, it’s —
MIRA
I had like three Tic Tacs, I thought that would cover —
SAL
Yeah, I could tell. It was like minty mixed with the garlic mixed with —
MIRA
I’m so sorry.
RIVER
Well, mistakes happen. Mira, do you —
MIRA
I hadn’t eaten and it was the only dish they had left at the food truck, but I know that’s not an excuse. Sal, River. What I did was unprofessional, inconsiderate, and harmful. I have violated your boundaries and for that I am deeply sorry. I will do better.
Mira wipes away a tear.
RIVER
Thank you, Mira. Sal, you have anything to add?
SAL
(earnest)
Mira, I accept your apology, but — no big deal.
RIVER
(lighthearted)
Well, next time you catch a waft of garlic, just say “buttermilk.”
No reaction.
RIVER
You know, like, as a safe word.
Pause. River’s face turns somber.
RIVER
(deeply ashamed)
Sorry. — Meant to lighten the mood. — This was very inappropriate.
End of Play
About the Author
Jordan Flux, member of the Dramatists Guild, also wrote The Sandman: A Vaudeville Nightmare.