You Can’t Put That On TV LIVE: Dead Air

by: Flynn Bates (Genevieve Baddorf)

[A backdrop of a log wall, meant to be the interior of a cabin. There is a window set into the wall, slightly to stage left, that shows a darkened sky with a faint sliver of a moon. There is a door to stage right, and a fireplace to stage left. A man, FRANCIS, kneels center stage, his back to the audience. A VOICE speaks from offstage.]

VOICE: State your need.

FRANCIS: (shaky) I need to find Lori – my fiancee. I- left her for someone else, and she just went off the rails. I… hurt her, bad. I think she might’ve done something horrible. I shouldn’t be here. I… I’m supposed to be dead. I don’t know what she did –

VOICE: State your need.

FRANCIS: (rambling) Nobody’s seen her in a long time. I’ve been asking around, and her sister told me she’s given herself up, wherever she is. That she was talking like she wanted to end it all. Believe me, I tried to rebuild, but – there’s nothing left. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live, knowing she’s –

VOICE: State your need.

FRANCIS: (pause) …right. Right.

[FRANCIS rummages in his pocket and produces a piece of paper.]

FRANCIS: (reading, desperate) I seek to free a prisoner from the Mask. To free a voice from the forced song. (a deep breath) I… seek to break from the charade. To return to the Wilds.

[FRANCIS slowly lowers the paper.]

VOICE: What is your sacrifice? Your life?

[FRANCIS produces a knife from his jacket pocket, and cuts off a piece of his hair, holding it above his head.]

FRANCIS: (nervous) No, no, no. (as he’s cutting) No, I… just got that back. My service, for twenty years. I’ll do whatever you want, I just – I need to make sure she’s okay. (a beat of silence) Please.

[A dim light turns on, revealing a tree shaped rune carved into the wall over FRANCIS’s head. There is a low rumble, steadily growing louder.]

VOICE: Your offer has been accepted.

[As the rumble reaches a crescendo, FRANCIS’s arm twists back, as if pulled, and he screams, the lights cutting out entirely.]

[When the lights come back on, a large screen hangs over the back center of the darkened stage, with a set of benches off to stage right, with various AUDIENCE MEMBERS seated. There is a table and chairs to stage left, and a MAN is slumped in one of the chairs facing the screen. Dim lights in purple, yellow, and orange glow along the front of the stage, and a woman, LORRAINE, stands center stage, her hands on her hips. She is dressed in a horrifically yellow 1950’s style knee length dress, and her hair is teased into impossibly stiff curls. She smiles wide.]

LORRAINE: It’s late, isn’t it? Are you bored? Sleepless? Hungry? Scrolling, changing channels in the barren wasteland of the world at one in the morning? Is this you?

[LORRAINE points stiffly to the chair, and a faint red light comes on over the MAN. He begins to twitch, facing the screen, which is now displaying a large, toothy mouth. He starts making an odd whimpering noise that turns into sobbing. LORRAINE snaps her fingers, and the light goes out, the man abruptly falling silent.]

LORRAINE: Well, worry no longer! You’ve come to the right place, the show of all shows! You’re on-

[LORRAINE excitedly spreads her arms wide, and a light switches on over the AUDIENCE. She punctuates each word with a shift in stance, almost dancing.]

AUDIENCE: You Can’t Put That On TV –

LORRAINE: Live! I’m Lorraine Watts, and we are here live with our studio audience!

[She gestures to the AUDIENCE, who cheer wildly.]

LORRAINE: Loves, tonight’s variety hour is a doozy, let me tell you that! All the games fit to play, guests who’ll blow your mind, and all the news no one wants to talk about!

[A few STAGEHANDS come out and drag off the MAN from earlier. There’s a puddle of red on the table. Sudden thunder, and an image of a storm is projected on the screen behind her.]

LORRAINE: First up, the weather! Now, I’m no meteorologist –

[She spins to face the screen, hands on her hips. She hums to herself, tilting her head.]

LORRAINE: (pinching her fingers together) -but I think it might be raining. Just a little. Just a teeny bit.

[LORRAINE turns back to the audience. When her back is turned, the screen cuts to an image of the edge of a patch of woods. FRANCIS stumbles out of the trees, leaning against one of them. His hands smear red against the bark. Just as he looks up at the camera, the screen cuts to black.]

LORRAINE: It’s looking like storms, folks! If you’re going to be out and about tonight – (quieter, with a wink) and let’s face it, you aren’t – (louder again) pack an umbrella! Benny, how are we looking for the next week?

[A blaring static noise plays on stage.]

LORRAINE: You heard him, folks! It’ll mellow out something wonderful, but I would still dress in layers, just in case! Speaking of layers –

[One of the STAGEHANDS tosses an identical copy of LORRAINE’s dress to her. She holds it up in front of her with pride.]

LORRAINE: Tonight I’m wearing the Goldenrod Daze, from Sears’ new Wildflower Collection! These dresses are high quality for low cost, and will last years down the line. It lends a pop of color for any occasion, although to tell you the truth – (talking behind the back of her hand, in a stage whisper) it’s so comfy I just wear it around the house sometimes! And this dress can be yours for only $14.99! To order your gorgeous Wildflower (and matching shoes for free), ring the number below!

[A sign pops up at the front of the stage with the first fifteen digits of pi. LORRAINE does a little twirl before tossing the dress to an AUDIENCE member, who promptly starts fighting with the person next to them over it.]

AUDIENCE 1: Give it!

AUDIENCE 2: I got it first!

AUDIENCE 1: You were here last week, hand it over!

[AUDIENCE 2 punches AUDIENCE 1, and LORRAINE watches them and tilts her head a little, almost as if checking for approval, before turning back to the audience.]

LORRAINE: (flaps one hand) Kids, aren’t they just the best? In today’s news; everything is going well! No one is dying, there haven’t been any fifteen-car pileups in Mississippi, and Miss Polly Martins in London didn’t poison her husband and herself at 4:30 pm with nearly a pound of cyanide, proving that sometimes staying with someone after they cheated on you doesn’t work out!

[LORRAINE stares blankly into the audience for a minute.]

LORRAINE: In other news, the stock market went up substantially today, especially in oil, paper, and several other industries, which is wonderful for investors but so-so for people who like having food and clothes, (fluttering her fingers) so it’s really a wash, isn’t it?

[A pause, then a blaring noise onstage.]

LORRAINE: Why, that’s our Breaking News Alarm!

[A STAGEHAND runs onstage, and hands LORRAINE a paper.]

LORRAINE: (reading out loud) An Oregon man has recently been charged with faking his death and operating a stolen vehicle. Officers suggest that he may be armed and dangerous, so if you encounter him, keep your distance and alert the police. They’ll handle the rest!

AUDIENCE 1: (shouting) Or shoot on sight!

LORRAINE: (cheerily) Or shoot on sight! Remember folks, you always have the right to kill someone if it’s self-defense! Our segment La Trivia Niche later tonight is sponsored by Locke Security – if they step through your door, they’ve got to go!

[The screen behind her lights up again – a car parks in front of a dilapidated warehouse, the sky above clear but starless. FRANCIS climbs out of the car, and briskly walks to a door with a smile carved into its surface. He’s gripping a dirty, ragged silk flower, with a ring tied to the stem and a tag attached to it, reading FOR LORRAINE. He takes a knife from his pocket, and a wooden totem of a tree. He cuts his palm, smearing his blood on the totem, and the door pops open. The screen cuts to black.]

LORRAINE: Dear friends, with the holidays coming up, it’s only fair that we provide a few tips and tricks for making this season merry and bright!

[One of the AUDIENCE members tosses a box to her.]

LORRAINE: Gifts can be a real hassle, I know. But if you’re wrapping presents for multiple, use different wrapping paper patterns for each! It makes handing them out a snap (snaps fingers for emphasis), and makes each gift feel special! And what better gift than being a guest star on the show? If you want to treat a loved one – or yourself – call or write us with your available schedule, and we’ll get a representative to you the same day – that’s right, loves! The same day! And we’ll discuss rates and all those silly details. It’ll be the chance of a lifetime, believe me!

[She hands the paper and box to a STAGEHAND, who leaves. FRANCIS suddenly stumbles onstage, bedraggled, his hair soaked with rain and shirt stained with blood, especially on the sleeves. He looks around with wild eyes. He staggers over to the chairs and leans against one of them, watching.]

LORRAINE: Up next, we’re going to have a chat with the wonderful Liminality Faust, about their new album What I Wish I Could Unlearn–

[One of the STAGEHANDS places a green telephone on the table, which rings wildly. LORRAINE’s head snaps to look at the table..]

LORRAINE: Why, it looks like we have a caller! Remember, you can call us anytime to suggest new segments, ask questions, or tell me I’m pretty. Please note that we cannot accept psychic visions at this time, as our designated mailbox is full and we already know about the eyes, Linda, and we should have the matter resolved within the next month.

[LORRAINE strolls over to the phone, looking right past FRANCIS, who is watching her with a look of horror. She picks up the phone, twirling the cable with one finger.]

LORRAINE: Hello caller! You’ve reached the number of –

AUDIENCE: You Can’t Put That On TV –

LORRAINE: -Live! This is Lorraine Watts, what can I do to help you? (a pause) Uhuh. I see. Is that so? Well, that’s just a real shame, isn’t it? Wow. Closed casket, too? (a pause) Why, thank you! (She holds her hand out to show her nails.) I painted them myself! Still, that’s horrible about that. Send my condolences.

[LORRAINE primly puts down the phone.]

LORRAINE: (soberly) Viewers, this is a real tragedy. We’ve been forced to cancel our nightly game of La Trivia Niche, due to our scheduled guest, noted mycologist Montgomery Matthews, passing away from quite the gruesome lab accident earlier today. His family requests that, in lieu of flowers, to send donations to the Mycology in Medicine Initiative.

[The AUDIENCE makes assorted noises of sadness in varying volumes.. LORRAINE nods glumly, staring down at the stage for a minute, before waving her hand, and the AUDIENCE falls silent again.]

LORRAINE: However, the show must go on! Up next –

FRANCIS: (hoarsely) Lori?

[LORRAINE freezes in place, the slightest look of confusion visible on her face.]

LORRAINE: That’s an odd way to address me. Why – (suddenly reverting back to her cheerful demeanor) – you must be our new guest!

[She grabs FRANCIS’s hand, shaking it vigorously.]

LORRAINE: Hello and welcome! You’re right on time – we unfortunately had to cancel our previous segment, so we’ll start our interview after a short advertisement. Is that alright? I hope that’s alright.

[She aggressively guides him to a chair, and he sits, promptly putting his arms in the pool of blood. FRANCIS looks down at his arms with disgust, then slowly back up at LORRAINE.]

FRANCIS: (with rising alarm) What did you do–

LORRAINE: (holding up the telephone) The new Songbird telephone from Paulson and Sons! This has the widest range of any telephone produced so far – with cutting edge technology, you can reach a friend on the other side of the world in an instant, without those hefty long distance charges to your plan! It’s lightweight for on the go use – anywhere with an outlet, you can call! Please note that this does not cover calls made from over two miles above sea level, or the Casey Woods Memorial Bridge between the hours of one and three in the morning.

[The phone begins to ring, and LORRAINE picks up the receiver, slamming it back down before answering.]

LORRAINE: Write our office or call the previous number listed for more details!

FRANCIS: (pleading) Lorraine, please!

LORRAINE: And now, we’ll have a chat with our special guest!

[LORRAINE sits in the seat opposite FRANCIS. She holds out one hand to the side, and a STAGEHAND runs out with a microphone, which she sets on the table, tapping it twice.]

LORRAINE: Alrighty! Dear guest, why don’t we begin with your name, and a little about yourself.

FRANCIS: (distressed) It’s me! You… don’t remember?

[LORRAINE stares blankly at him, tapping the microphone again. FRANCIS sits there in disbelief, before letting out a stressed sigh and leaning in towards the microphone.]

FRANCIS: (shakily) My name is Francis. Francis Juno. I… work in sales. I’ve been looking for you.

LORRAINE: (incredulous, gesturing to herself) Looking for me!

[LORRAINE and the AUDIENCE both laugh.]

LORRAINE: Trust me, Mr. Juno, everyone wants to be on this show! It’s the hottest gig this side of the Mojave Desert! Why, just last week we had the most wonderful guest, Ms. Clara Dunham, the celebrated composer! We got to have a lengthy chat about her piece on the nature of creation and entropy, she was really quite patient on the technical aspects of musical theory. The audience loved her so much, they wanted to eat her right up! Isn’t that right?

[Wild cheering from the AUDIENCE.]

LORRAINE: Now, Mr. Juno –

FRANCIS: (agitated, bracing his hands on the table) Frankie. You call me Frankie.

[LORRAINE pouts, leaning her head on her hand and watching him. Her movement is decidedly stiffer.]

LORRAINE: Frankie. Alright, Frankie. I appreciate the valor. I really do. (twirling a finger in her hair) What are your feelings on the new trend of purple and pink in men’s clothing? Do you think it’ll take off and become a mainstay?

[FRANCIS looks uneasily at both audiences.]

FRANCIS: (taking a shaky breath) I… I think it’ll take off. Lorraine-

LORRAINE: Our guest has spoken! Friends, what do you think?

[She turns to face the AUDIENCE, and various AUDIENCE MEMBERS hold up three signs, reading YES, NO, and ASK NEXT TUESDAY. FRANCIS, appearing overwhelmed by frustration, stands, digs through his pockets, pulls out the dirty, crumpled silk flower lily, and holds it out to LORRAINE with tangible desperation.]

LORRAINE: Looks like he’s right on the money! I’m so excited! There can always be more color in the world –

[LORRAINE turns and sees the flower, and falters. The chatter of the AUDIENCE grows louder, and the background lights fade as the lights over her and FRANCIS grow brighter.]

LORRAINE: …what? What is that?

FRANCIS: It’s for you. I… (pause, a deep breath to compose himself) I brought it with me. It’s only as new as you are.

LORRAINE: (with mock indignation, putting her hands on her hips) Mr. Juno, how horrible! I’ll have you know I look much better for my age! Isn’t that right?

[The AUDIENCE applauds, and LORRAINE gives a little curtsy.]

LORRAINE: (looking him up and down) And even if I did look awful, I can’t say you look much better.

[LORRAINE grabs FRANCIS’s hands, turning them over and looking at the nails with disgust.]

LORRAINE: Like you just crawled out of a hole! Really, we should get you cleaned up. They’ll like you so much more that way.

[She starts to lead him offstage. FRANCIS glances to the audience for a moment, thinking.]

FRANCIS: Lori, have… you slept recently? Eaten anything?

LORRAINE: (scoffing) Don’t be silly, of course I have! Right before the show, I had… (pause) well, I can’t remember. But I had something. I always have enough.

FRANCIS: Have you?

LORRAINE: Have I? Where… (faltering) where did you come from? Security didn’t let you in.

FRANCIS: I killed the security.

[LORRAINE steps back, still stiffly, turning to face the screen, but FRANCIS grabs her shoulders and turns her back to look at him.]

LORRAINE: (with a strained smile, gritting her teeth) What are you doing?

FRANCIS: There was a door. I called it forth, and it led here. Lori, I got help – I reached out to something. It’s not good, but it’s the opposite, the antithesis to – (he gestures vaguely) All this. I can get you out of here.

[A STAGEHAND runs onstage and tries to pry FRANCIS away from LORRAINE but he shakes them off. LORRAINE grabs his arms, holding him in place.]

LORRAINE: Francis, this was – for you. I gave in for you, I couldn’t just – let you die! (frustrated, with fake pep) Why didn’t I just let you die?

FRANCIS: I failed you. I’m sorry. I can still make it right. You – don’t have to forgive me, you never did. But let me fix this. We can still get out of this.

LORRAINE: (with increasing uncertainty, hysteria) Mr. Juno, that’s just not true! Those things only cause trouble! I’m happy here! (putting her hands over her heart) I have – all my fans, I have a stable job, it’s all color and light and good things. I have to be here!

[The lights onstage begin to go haywire, the STAGEHAND begins twitching in the background, and eyes are projected on the screen. Sobbing sounds from the AUDIENCE, and LORRAINE’s nose starts to bleed.]

AUDIENCE 1: You’re ruining the fun!

AUDIENCE 2: Ours! Ours!

AUDIENCE: (wailing, to FRANCIS) Death to the Wilds!

LORRAINE: You left me!

[LORRAINE tries to tackle FRANCIS, and the two struggle, the AUDIENCE clapping loud, at uneven, odd intervals, faster and faster. LORRAINE’S movements are frantic, stiff, and she elbows FRANCIS in the face. He staggers back, and as she charges at him again, he dodges. She charges again, and he dodges, grabbing her arm and using her momentum to push her down to the ground. He’s tense, as if trying to restrain something within himself.]

LORRAINE: (unhinged) You beast! I’ll put you down like the animal you are!

FRANCIS: (louder, trying to be heard over the noise) Five years, Lori! You’ve been missing five years! (turning to the AUDIENCE) You want your sacrifice? Here it is!

[The STAGEHAND tries to grab him again, and FRANCIS turns and produces the totem, bludgeoning the STAGEHAND with it. Then he runs up to the screen, stabbing wildly at it, once, thrice, five times. There’s a loud, inhuman scream, and the lights go out, before slowly coming back – there is only a light over FRANCIS and LORRAINE. The AUDIENCE members are slumped over in their seats, and LORRAINE is collapsed in a heap. FRANCIS, breathing heavily from the exertion, walks back over to LORRAINE, and drops the knife, kneeling next to her and helping her sit up. Her makeup is smeared, and she seems disoriented, shaky, her eyes wide as if something is still burned into her vision.]

LORRAINE: (quiet, dazed) …Frankie? I – (she takes a breath) it’s you? I’m – I think I’m sick –

FRANCIS: I know. Let’s get you out of here.

[FRANCIS looks up at the screen.]

FRANCIS: Is it dead?

LORRAINE: Banished. It’ll – be back, we need to go –

[She reaches for his hand, and he takes it. He pulls LORRAINE to her feet.]

LORRAINE: I didn’t mean to. I… thought it’d help me. I’d never have to worry again. (she gestures, uncertain, almost frantic) This was my dream! Dreams can’t hurt you. It said it’d be an easy exchange, it’d bring you back if it kept me here. Not – like this. Not like this. It won’t get out of my head.

FRANCIS: Lori, I’m so sorry. I came here as fast as I could, if I knew –

LORRAINE: (tired) Frankie? Can we go home?

FRANCIS: It’ll be a long while. But – I think we can make it.

LORRAINE: (echoing) We can make it.

[The two of them, supporting each other, walk slowly offstage, leaving the flower lying by itself on the floor. The lights dim, then go out.]

[END SCENE]

 

 

About the Author

Flynn Bates (Genevieve Baddorf) is a creative writing senior at Christian Brothers University, and an award winning playwright, poet, and editor with a flair for horror, fantasy, and otherwise weird fiction. Flynn has some experience in performance, having previously been in her high school’s audition chamber choir, but only began dramatic writing last year.