*Content Warning: Assisted suicide. by: Taylor Gonzalez Synopsis: Characters: Setting: Time: The stage is completely dark. In the darkness, we hear a group of people joyfully chanting. FOR HE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, FOR HE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, FOR HE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOWWWWWW, WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY! TIM One more time, for good luck! With feeling! They sing again, this time louder: FOR HE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, FOR HE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, FOR HE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOWWWWWW, WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY! As they’re singing, the lights slowly come up to reveal a modern office space, a conference room to be exact. The table’s been moved to the wall and is now covered with food: boxes of pizza, sodas, a sheet cake, and a tin of champagne and beers on ice. The sleek office chairs have all been moved randomly towards the wall. A string banner on the back wall reads “WE’LL MISS YOU.” There are a few shiny balloons with cheeky sayings like “The Legend Has Retired,” “Officially retired,” and “I’m retired, ask someone else.” Everyone here is dressed in work appropriate attire, but are wearing silly cone-shaped hats and are holding plastic champagne flutes. There’s JOE, TIM, MARJORIE, HANNAH, PAOLO. HANNAH To Joe! JOE Cheers! Thanks everyone. PAOLO Speech, speech! HANNAH Yah, say something, Joe! JOE Nah, I wouldn’t know what to say… TIM I’ll say something for him. I always do anyway! Everyone laughs. Tim comes to the center of the room with his plastic champagne flute raised. TIM (CONT’D) Joe, I’ll keep this short and sweet, just like you. No, but seriously. Joe, you started here, when, 2024? JOE That’s right. TIM Phew… Thirty years ago, Joe, started here, guys. 2024. To put it in context, interns, he’s been here longer than y’all have been alive. And Joe, you were, what, 25 years old? JOE I just turned 25 that month. TIM A spring chicken! Nah, you’re still young, Joe. You’re still young. In many ways younger than all of us here. No, seriously. Everyone here, I think, will agree with me when I say your essence is young. You always brighten up the room, you always enliven us, give us energy. You’re not the grandpa, no way. You’re the life blood of this place. If anyone here deserves early retirement, it’s you. They all nod, smile, raise their glasses. TIM (CONT’D) See? They all agree. So here’s to you, Joe. We’re all going to miss you, that’s for sure, but we’re also proud you decided to take the plunge. To Joe! ALL To Joe! They drink and applaud. HANNAH Come on, Joe, say something! PAOLO Yah, Joe, come on! JOE Okay, okay. Joe reluctantly stands. JOE (CONT’D) Umm, okay. Guys, this is really touching. I can’t thank you enough. I know it’s already almost five, so please, if you have to go, please, you don’t have to hang around– They all playfully boo him. He laughs. JOE (CONT’D) Okay, okay. At least, please enjoy the food. Anyway, I was gonna do a Quiet Retirement like most people do these days, but I thought I’d let y’all know, give my two weeks, etc. I didn’t expect all this, so thank you. It’s very kind. MARJORIE Are you sure you’re ready to retire? JOE Yes, yes. I’m sure. I would’ve turned 55-years-old next week as everyone knows now – thanks Tim – but yah I’m ready. I think I’m ready. I feel like I’ve had a great life. I did everything I needed to do. As some of you know, my wife, Beatrice, sadly retired a few months ago, so… yah. I was gonna retire with her, but I wanted to help you guys with the merger. MARJORIE Cheers to that! They all cheers. JOE Yep! So yah, it feels right. It feels like the right time. And while I’ll miss all of y’all, of course. Y’all are like my family, my little Globadyne family. Uhh, but I’m excited to end this chapter and see what’s after, you know? If there’s anything. So… I don’t know what else to say… I’m bad at these things… You’ve seen my quarterly presentations! Let’s, uh, have a great party and please, someone pass the champagne! They all cheers joyfully, applaud. Tim tops off Joe’s champagne and pats him on the back. TIM Good speech, bud. I almost teared up back there. JOE You better slow on the champagne! TIM Not a chance! Joe goes to take a seat, get out of the way of the festivities. MARJORIE Oop! Not so fast, mister. JOE Hm? MARJORIE We have one more gift for you. JOE No… MARJORIE Oh, come on. You didn’t think we were gonna give you a proper send off. Hannah, can you bring it out? Paolo, can you help her? Hannah and Paolo rush off stage excitedly. JOE Guys, come on. You didn’t have to do this. You already did all this. This is too much. MARJORIE No, no. We wanted to thank you properly for all your years here at Globadyne. Thirty years anywhere is a major achievement. TIM Marj, don’t. You know he loves it. Just ignore him! Hannah and Paolo return pushing something large on a rolling cart. It’s concealed with a sheet. JOE No, it’s not what I think it is. MARJORIE Corporate HQ in Paolo Alto sent it over this morning, right on time. Hannah? Hannah dramatically reveals a large tombstone. It has Joe’s name on it: Joseph Aaron Greene. It also has a range of years: 1992 – 2047. But above the name and years it has the Globadyne logo, which looks like a globe. Everyone applauds at the reveal. JOE Very funny, guys. Ha ha. MARJORIE Nothing funny here, Joe. It’s yours. For real. JOE But… what are you talking about? MARJORIE We know our policy only covers cremation, but when we found out your wife got a plot over in Kensington, we put some money together, talked to corporate, and we got you your own stone and a plot for you right next to Beatrice. JOE Are you serious? TIM Dead serious. They all laugh. JOE Guys, Marjorie, I don’t know what to say. He starts to tear up. MARJORIE Don’t say anything, Joe. This is our thanks to you for all your years here. You’ve taught most of us here. Oh – I guess I’m toasting now, huh? Well, yah, you taught me when I started here. And now I’m the branch manager! So, yah, I owe you a lot and I’m sure a lot of other people here do too. TIM Here, here. MARJORIE So, yah, here’s to Joe. I wish you would retire a little later, but that’s just because we need you. I only ask one thing in return. JOE Anything for you, Marj. MARJORIE Just one thing. JOE Anything! MARJORIE The one thing I ask is that you… sing the first song on karaoke! Everyone cheers. Joe laughs. JOE Okay, okay. I’ll sing first! Everyone cheers again! MARJORIE Everyone, enjoy the party! Paolo, can you bring up Youtube? Paolo grabs a remote and points it to the audience. They’re all excitedly staring at the audience as if it was a large screen TV. MARJORIE (CONT’D) (to Joe) JOE Of course, Marj. PAOLO Joe, what song we starting with? JOE Sorry, one sec, Paolo, get it set up for me. I’ll be right back. Joe and Marjorie move to a more private space downstage. Everyone in the back is talking, eating, drinking and other office party business. JOE (CONT’D) (to Marjorie) MARJORIE Joe, not another word. It’s the least we can do. Seriously. JOE Okay, but thank you. MARJORIE But I just wanted to check in one more time about the convention. JOE Oh, yah… MARJORIE Are you sure you can’t retire at the end of the month? We’d sure love to have you in Vegas. You know we need all the help we can get in the Shinobu meeting, and they really like you over there– JOE I know, I know. You know I’d like to be there. MARJORIE We really would. JOE This is the right time, I think. MARJORIE Sure, of course. I can’t legally ask you to change your retirement date, of course, but I’d be foolish to not check in with you one more time, right? JOE Of course! I get it, but you know, everything’s in motion. My lease is out this month. I already gave all my stuff to my brother out in Tampa. It’s the right time. MARJORIE Okay! I’m just selfish, you know that. I want to come in with the best team! JOE I know, I know. You’ll be fine. And you’ll have my Remnants. MARJORIE Yah, we’ll have your Remnants, sure, but it’s not like the real thing. JOE I know, I know. But Marj, listen, you’re gonna crush it. I knew that about you the day I met you. Remember? MARJORIE I remember my first day. JOE Remember what I said? MARJORIE Yes, you said JOE “This one’s special, keep this one.” MARJORIE Yep. JOE And I meant it, and look at you now. I was right. You’re running this place. Hell, you can retire soon. MARJORIE Yah, maybe in a few years, hopefully. When I’m 45. JOE Now that sounds like the right idea. MARJORIE Alright, I’ll bring out the Facilitator… but are you sure? JOE I am. MARJORIE Alright… you know, this is my first Early Retirement as branch manager. JOE It’s easy, you remember Lisa’s. No sweat. MARJORIE Alright, alright… go sing! JOE Ahh, I don’t know. MARJORIE No, you promised. JOE I promised. Just one second, I have to– He shows his phone to Marjorie. MARJORIE Of course, of course. Joe makes a call and comes down stage to take it away from everyone else. He puts the phone to his ear. JOE (Into phone) Joe grabs Tim, who’s walking by. JOE (CONT’D) (to Tim) TIM Oooh, no can do, Chief. HR already paid the deposit on this timeline and to push it back could cause problems. I don’t know if it’s possible. We have a special clean up crew coming in after and everything to clean you up when they’re done. Why, what’s the problem? JOE Oh, nothing. My daughter is held up in traffic. TIM Oh, shit! Jess is stuck in traffic? How far out? JOE She says maybe another half hour, maybe more. Some big accident. TIM Ahh, that’s a tough break. How about this: we can stream it for her. JOE Ahh, no thanks. It’s fine. TIM Alright, bud. Hey, it’s almost time! Get ready! I gotta go get some more booze. Tim hurries off. Joe, not sure how to do this, tries to find a quiet corner. JOE (into phone) He looks at his phone. JOE (CONT’D) They deactivated my company phone. Marjorie, can I borrow your phone? MARJORIE What? Enough chit chat, you gotta sing for us! (to Paolo) Everyone cheers. PAOLO (to Joe) JOE Oh, I really need to make a call. TIM Sing first, call later! MARJORIE Sing first, call later! Joe, flustered, walks over to grab the mic. JOE Okay… One song… Let’s do my fave. HANNAH Frank? JOE Of course! Hannah grabs the remote and finds the song. A Karoake version of Sinatra’s “New York, New York” starts to play. Everyone cheers. Joe takes the microphone, and a sip of his champagne. JOE (CONT’D) Let’s see if I can do this one tonight… JOE (CONT’D) START SPREADIN’ THE NEWS Everyone’s watching, hooting and hollering. Meanwhile, Marjorie and Tim are ushering in a MAN dressed in medical whites, rolling in a chair that looks like an electrical chair. THESE VAGABOND SHOES Huge applause. Joe bows, smiling. JOE (CONT’D) Thank you, thank you. Who’s next? HANNAH Paolo! Paolo, you’re next! JOE Paolo? Give it up for Paolo! Everyone cheers. Paolo feigns embarrassment, but takes the mic. PAOLO Okay, fine. I’ll sing a little something for y’all. Let’s see… Paolo points the remote towards the audience as if trying to search for a specific song. Joe walks over to the man in white, shakes his hand. MARJORIE Joe, this is Dr. Smith-Grady. He’s the in-house Retirement Facilitator that corporate sent over to do the procedure. JOE Great to meet you, Doc. They shake hands, all business. DR. SMITH-GRADY Are you Joseph Aaron Greene? JOE That’s me. DR. SMITH-GRADY Great, if you could just sign a few things here we can get this process underway. He produces an iPad-like device for Joe. DR. SMITH-GRADY (CONT’D) This is just the standard Retirement Agreement. Pretty boiler plate, really. JOE (glancing over) MARJORIE This is what we reviewed last week. Remember? JOE Sure, I remember. DR. SMITH-GRADY It essentially just protects the company should you change your mind when the procedure’s already underway. Normal stuff. It also licenses all you proprietary knowledge to Globadyne in perpetuity for the purposes of your Remnants, which will be used for your posthumous HR review, training your replacement and our AI models, etc. You know all this already. JOE Sure, sure. DR. SMITH-GRADY If you could sign here, sir. Joe starts using his finger to sign on the screen. HANNAH (to Paolo) PAOLO You’ll see! Hold on, I know it’s here somewhere. DR. SMITH-GRADY And initial here. HANNAH (playfully) PAOLO Shush! I’m trying to remember the name. DR. SMITH-GRADY Thumb print here and… MARJORIE Amazing! All done. DR. SMITH-GRADY You can take a seat. Joe sits in the strange chair, takes a deep breath, downs his champagne. The doctor does business preparing him for a medical procedure: alcohol wipes, arranging wires, etc. He simply places an IV in his arm, but in the future it’s as easy as placing a cuff on the patient’s wrist. Joe looks ahead, trying to maintain a poised calm. Meanwhile: PAOLO There it is! HANNAH Oh god, this old song? PAOLO This is one of my mom’s favorite songs. I remember singing it with her when I was little. As you all know, she Retired of Natural Causes a year ago. Hannah places her hand comfortingly on Paolo’s shoulder. PAOLO (CONT’D) This one goes out to you, Mom, and you, Joe! HANNAH Woop! Joe politely acknowledges Paolo, but just barely. He’s very focused on his breathing. DR. SMITH-GRADY Okay, Mr. Greene. We’ll begin now. There shouldn’t be any pain. JOE Okay. Joe takes Marjorie’s hand. The song begins. It’s “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga. Everyone cheers. The doctor presses a button on his device and watches Joe closely. PAOLO OH-OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH While Paolo’s singing, we see Joe react to the substance being introduced into his blood stream. His eyes wide. It’s happening. This is it. This is the end. I WANT YOUR UGLY, I WANT YOUR DISEASE We see some pain in Joe’s eyes, some fear. It’s looking like he might be having second thoughts, but it’s too late. He seems to be going into some sort of subdued seizure. It looks like he’s trying to speak, but can’t. Everyone starts singing the chorus: I WANT YOUR LOVE, AND I WANT YOUR REVENGE We see the light leave Joe’s eyes and he slumps over. The doctor takes note of this, feels his pulse, and then takes note of it on his handheld device. Meanwhile, everyone is singing the song enthusiastically to the very end: OH-OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH Lights go dark slowly over enthusiastic singing. CURTAINS. Taylor Gonzalez has spent over a decade producing and performing in various multimedia experiences in New York City. He’s helped develop a number of influential underground projects such as The Diverse As Fuck Comedy Festival, Flexx Magazine, deadass, Lo-Fi NYC and horror zine youarenotalone. He’s one-half of the comedic duo, Havana Club, and teaches improvisation at the Brooklyn Comedy Collective. He made his directorial debut in 2018 with A Late Night Ordeal.
EARLY RETIREMENT
A group of co-workers throw a small office party celebrating Joe’s “early retirement,” which in this time period is a euphemism for corporate-sponsored assisted suicide.
JOE – middle-aged
TIM – slightly younger than Joe
MARJORIE – 30s/40s
HANNAH – 20-something intern
PAOLO – 20-something intern
DR. SMITH-GRADY – any age, stern
a modern office space, a conference room to be exact
30 years in the future.
Joe, can I have a second?
Marj, I can’t thank you enough for this, I–
Sweetie? Hey, where are you? You almost here?
(listening, frowning)
Oh, no! Must’ve been a bad accident if you’ve been sitting in traffic for that long. What
(listening)
Yah, you’re still pretty far away. I can try to push the procedure back, but I don’t know if HR will allow it. Let me see.
Hey bud, anyway we can push my retirement by a few hours?
Hey, you there? Hey, sweetie. So, it’s not looking like I can change the time of the procedure. It’s probably going to happen in a few minutes.
(into the phone)
I just want to say that I love you very much, more than anything, really. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and your mother – I know she would agree. I know you don’t agree with what I’m going today and we already had that conversation, but I hope one day you’ll have a career as fulfilling as I do at a company as great as Globadyne. Then, you’ll understand why this makes sense. I wish, I wish you could hold my hand through this. I’m a little scared Jess. I can’t lie to you. It’s a little scary. But, this what adults do at my age. It’s the write thing to do for the company and for society.
(a beat, Joe listening)
Sweetie? Are you there?
He’s ready!
Which one you want?
I’M LEAVIN’ TODAY
I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT
NEW YORK, NEW YORK
ARE LONGING TO STRAY
RIGHT THROUGH THE VERY HEART OF IT
NEW YORK, NEW YORK
I WANT TO WAKE UP
IN A CITY THAT DOESN’T SLEEP
AND FIND I’M KING OF THE HILL
TOP OF THE HEAP
THESE LITTLE-TOWN BLUES
ARE MELTING AWAY
I’LL MAKE A BRAND NEW START OF IT
IN OLD NEW YORK
IF I CAN MAKE IT THERE
I’LL MAKE IT
ANYWHERE
IT’S UP TO YOU
NEW YORK, NEW YORK
NEW YORK, NEW YORK
I WANT TO WAKE UP IN A CITY
THAT NEVER SLEEPS
AND FIND I’M A NUMBER ONE
TOP OF THE LIST
KING OF THE HILL
A NUMBER ONE
THESE LITTLE TOWN BLUES
ARE MELTING AWAY
I’M GONNA MAKE A BRAND NEW START OF IT
IN OLD NEW YORK
AND IF I CAN MAKE IT THERE
I’M GONNA MAKE IT ANYWHERE
IT’S UP TO YOU
NEW YORK, NEW YORK
Okay.
What are you looking for?
Hurry up, I’m getting bored!
CAUGHT IN A BAD ROMANCE
OH-OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH
CAUGHT IN A BAD ROMANCE
RAH, RAH-AH-AH-AH
ROMA, ROMA-MA
GAGA, OOH-LA-LA
WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE
RAH, RAH-AH-AH-AH
ROMA, ROMA-MA
GAGA, OOH-LA-LA
WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE
I WANT YOUR EVERYTHING AS LONG AS IT’S FREE
I WANT YOUR LOVE
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, I WANT YOUR LOVE (HEY)
I WANT YOUR DRAMA, THE TOUCH OF YOUR HAND (HEY)
I WANT YOUR LEATHER-STUDDED KISS IN THE SAND
I WANT YOUR LOVE
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, I WANT YOUR LOVE (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE)
(I WANT YOUR LOVE)
YOU KNOW THAT I WANT YOU
AND YOU KNOW THAT I NEED YOU
I WANT IT BAD, YOUR BAD ROMANCE
YOU AND ME COULD WRITE A BAD ROMANCE (OH-OH-OH-OH-OH)
I WANT YOUR LOVE AND ALL YOUR LOVER’S REVENGE
YOU AND ME COULD WRITE A BAD ROMANCE
CAUGHT IN A BAD ROMANCE
OH-OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH
CAUGHT IN A BAD ROMANCEAbout the Author
