by: Christian Missonak SCENE 1 CALEB (30s), dressed in a neatly-pressed pilot’s uniform, complete with hat, stands scrolling through his phone with a stricken expression. After a moment, Bree (40s), also in a pilot’s uniform, but messy—no hat or jacket, shirt a little unkempt joins him. She’s got a plate filled with fancy hors d’oeuvres that she’s eating from. BREE Oh my god, this lobster crostini thing is amazing. You have to try it. CALEB You’re not supposed to eat those. Those are for people actually participating in the Summit. Those aren’t for us. BREE Summit’s already started. It’s just waitstaff cleaning up. They don’t care. CALEB They absolutely care. They work for very powerful people. They don’t want to get in trouble anymore than I do. BREE How do they know we aren’t very powerful people? Caleb scoffs. BREE I couldn’t pass for a billionaire? CALEB We’re wearing pilot’s uniforms. BREE So? Billionaires are eccentric, they wear what they want. Go get food. Caleb finally looks away from his phone and launches off. CALEB Staff gets dinner at 6. We’re lucky to be here. We’re guests, in a matter of speaking, and if we’re not in here, we’re out there and I assume neither of us wants that. If you want to raid the catering table, fine, but please do it somewhere else. I don’t want to be seen as guilty by association. Bree stares at Caleb for a moment and takes one dramatic side step in the opposite direction. BREE There. It’s like we don’t even know each other. Caleb rolls his eyes and returns to his phone. BREE I don’t know what you keep hoping to find in there. You’re not going to read anything you don’t already know. CALEB Australia’s gone. We lost Australia. Underwater. That happened this morning. BREE And we’ve known we were going to lose Australia for months now. It’s why everyone left Australia. CALEB Hundreds of thousands of people never left Australia, Bree. A beat. BREE I know. CALEB And if I’m not doing this, if I’m not finding out what’s happening out there, what exactly is it I should be doing? What’s a better use of my time? A beat. Then Bree lifts her plate of hors d’oeuvres, lifts another lobster crostini, and bites into it. CALEB I’m sorry, is this funny? It’s the end of the world and you don’t take it seriously? BREE My god, Caleb. It’s this place I don’t take seriously. CALEB Then you should have given your spot to somebody else. There’s plenty of other pilots who’d give anything to be in the position we’re in. BREE Well, most of them had families and so were ineligible, Caleb. Lucky me, there’s just my ex-wife in Vancouver and she doesn’t talk to me, so I brought no extra mouths to feed. CALEB I don’t deny they’ve had to make hard choices, but if you find it so distasteful, that’s all the more reason— BREE Other pilots also aren’t as qualified as I am. CALEB What does that mean? BREE Nothing. Point is I didn’t ask for this gig, I was recruited. And once I found out what it entailed… trust me, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. (a beat) What about you? No family? Caleb eyes Bree critically for a long moment before answering. CALEB My mother—we’ve, uh… it’s a complicated relationship—but she’s in a shelter in the Adirondacks. BREE (makes a face) A coastal shelter? CALEB I mean, I wouldn’t say coastal. It’s the Adirondacks, not Cape Cod. Bree’s expression is like “…Still.” CALEB It’s what we could afford. We tried for the Rockies… BREE Oh, those slots have been filled for years. CALEB I’m aware. BREE I’m sorry. Caleb waves it off and returns to doom-scrolling on his phone. CALEB Anyway, the only other really important person in my life is here, so… BREE Here? At the Summit? Caleb nods. BREE Is that how you got to be one of the six pilots? You’ve got a personal connection with someone at the Summit? Caleb freezes, suddenly realizing he’s said too much. BREE None of the staff or the science people would have the power to make that call. It would have had to come from one of the illustrious thirteen. Caleb says nothing and avoids Bree’s stare. There’s a long pause. BREE Caleb, are you fucking one of these billionaires? CALEB That’s ridiculous. BREE Oh my god! You are fucking one of these billionaires! CALEB Would you keep your voice down? I’m not, I’m not. Now that he’s looking directly at her, Bree takes the opportunity to read Caleb’s expression. BREE Are you fucking one of their wives or family members? Caleb’s guilty expression gives him away and Bree can’t restrain her cackle. CALEB You have to be quiet. BREE Sorry! Who is it? CALEB I’m not telling you that. BREE Oh come on, you’ve got to tell me now. Caleb looks around to make sure they’re not overheard. CALEB (whispers) Richard Blum’s wife. BREE Holy shit. Hard to believe that 80-year-old man isn’t keeping his 40 year-old wife satisfied. CALEB She and some friends chartered a private plane to Vegas a few years ago and I was flying and it just sort of happened. I didn’t initiate it, it was all her. BREE Yeah, no offense, killer, but I kind of figured. And so she got her husband to bring you to billionaire bunker to be her boytoy in the Swiss Alps? CALEB You can’t tell anyone. BREE Who would I tell? CALEB Richard Blum. BREE Oh, yeah, sure. Good point. No, your secret’s safe with me, stud. (she laughs) And you wonder why I don’t take this place seriously? Half the planet’s underwater, the thirteen richest old fucks build a palace in the Alps to ride out the end of the world, and this is the decision-making process for who gets to ride it out with them? CALEB I mean… I’m a good pilot. Bree, still laughing, gives Caleb a thumb’s up. CALEB Well, what about you? You said you got the job because other pilots weren’t as qualified. What does that mean? BREE Don’t worry about it. CALEB Come on! After what I just told you? BREE It’s not that other pilots aren’t qualified. It’s that I’m overqualified. CALEB I don’t understand. You’re here to be able to fly an airplane, the only way you’d be overqualified to fly an airplane would be… Caleb trails off as Bree smiles at him. Then something occurs to him. He gets on his phone again and types something in. CALEB You’re an astronaut? BREE Well, we can’t all sleep our way to the top. CALEB Why didn’t you tell me?! BREE I don’t know you very well, Caleb. And you were kind of an asshole about the hors d’oeuvres. CALEB Why are you here? There’s only like a dozen astronauts left, why are you working as a pilot? BREE I mean, it’s kind of the end of the world, Caleb. NASA’s not sending a lot of people to space these days. CALEB So why did they want an astronaut at the Summit? BREE That’s a question I’m legally obligated not to answer. But I’m here, so… CALEB I don’t understand. They’re planning to go to space? BREE If they have to. First they want to see how much of the planet’s left once the dust settles. CALEB But… I thought the whole point of this… The greatest minds coming together, the best and the brightest… I thought it was to come up with a way to…. BREE To what? Save the world? Caleb, if these guys really wanted to do that they could have started a long time ago. The Summit’s a place for these guys to hide in luxury until they know the world is hospitable again or until they’re ready to flee somewhere else. Come on, you must know that by now. You must have sensed it. Caleb looks around to make sure they’re not overheard. BREE No one’s around. I wouldn’t be talking like this if they were. The six of us are here to fly them back to civilization if all goes well, or help them hide in orbit if not. Well, that’s why some of us are here. You’re apparently here to fuck Marianne Blum. CALEB Who else knows about this? BREE The thirteen. Most of the scientists. Me and Cush. We’re the only astronauts they could get, we’re supposed to train you four over the next couple years. CALEB What happens to everyone else? BREE Who cares? CALEB What the fuck?! I do! I care! BREE They don’t. They care about themselves. And they’re counting on just the six of us to only care about ourselves too. Otherwise they’re stuck on a fucking mountain in Switzerland. Forever. A beat. CALEB What are you suggesting? BREE You know what I’m suggesting. CALEB You’re saying we fly away and leave them here? To die? Bree just looks at Caleb. CALEB It would never work. Even if we took a plane each, they’ve got a hangar full of them. BREE But only six people here to fly them. Airplanes don’t consume from a finite supply of food and water everyday. They wanted as few of us as possible. CALEB Even if I agreed to this—and this is crazy—but even if I agreed. The other pilots—Cush, Scott, Hadley, the other guy, Hadley’s friend. You’ll never get the rest on board. BREE Hadley they can keep. Martin, I don’t know. But Cush is talking to Scott right now. And I am talking to you. A beat. CALEB So, what? You planned this from the beginning? BREE As soon as I was offered the job, yeah. CALEB Where would we go? BREE You can go wherever. I’m going to Vancouver. CALEB And I’m supposed to just leave Mrs. Blum here? BREE Jesus, you call her Mrs. Blum? CALEB She insists. BREE Well, bring her if you want, but she’s not going to want to go. And if she cared about you she wouldn’t have left your mother to die in a shelter in the Adirondacks. If this is the end, I want to be with real people. In a real place. I don’t want to spend my life helping the people most to blame for this shit get away with it. Do you? CALEB There’s no chance we get away with this. BREE We might. If we’re patient. If we wait for the right opportunity. Maybe that’s a year from now, maybe it’s next week. In the meantime, we eat their food, we drink their booze, we sleep with one of their wives in your case, and we wait. CALEB I don’t know. BREE Well, I’m getting more to eat. They’re going to be in this meeting for hours. Think about it. Bree heads off, plate in hand. CALEB Bree? BREE Yeah? CALEB Bring me a plate. Christian Missonak is a NYC-based playwright originally from Chicago, where he was a graduate of Columbia College and The Second City Conservatory. In 2021 Christian made his professional regional debut at Madlab Theatre Company in Columbus, Ohio for his play, Sheridan which premiered to positive reviews. His short plays have been performed all over Chicago, New York, and have been produced as audio dramas via such podcasts as Garden of Voices, Earworm Audio Theater, and Stories Found. Other theatrical production credits include: the Chicago Reader recommended Save Ferris (Under the Gun Theatre), Cooperative (Metropolitan Playhouse), Nowhere to Go Nights (Teatro Latea). Publication: The Best Men’s Stage Monologues 2022 by Smith & Kraus Publishers. Up next, the psychological thriller feature film Something of a Monster, which Christian co-wrote, is set for a 2026 release.
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