by: Olivia Sieck

 

Synopsis: How to Grill Hamburgers is a darkly comedic one-act play that juxtaposes a cheerful 1950s instructional voiceover with a real-time family medical emergency.

 

Note: While the Voice Over remains cheerful and “genre consistent” throughout, the action on stage is played as grounded as possible. V.O. and other dialogue can freely overlap.

VOICE OVER:
(a cheerful ‘1950s instructional video narrator voice)
Well, hi there, Jan! That’s right, you. Jan Smith, just your average Chicago mom on a sunny Memorial Day, mother of two.

Jan waves hello.

VOICE OVER:
Looks like you’re getting ready to cook up some delicious hamburgers on your pristine aluminum-steel Weber charcoal grill you can get right from Sears.
(beat)
Mmmm Hmmmm, that’s some good-looking American chuck. Corn fed from a little farm in Joliet, Illinois. Let’s start by opening the lid.

Jan opens the lid.

VOICE OVER:
Much like a Ford automobile, the real magic happens under the hood.
(beat)
Here we see the grate.

Jan has become distracted by something.

VOICE OVER:
Think of it as a cozy little mattress for your meat to rest its fatty head on while it cooks.
(beat)
Hoo boy, I can smell it already!

Jan clutches her chest.

VOICE OVER:
Looks like you’ve already got your charcoal nice and hot. Now we’re cooking with fire!

Jan stumbles, grabs the grill for support, burning her hand.

VOICE OVER:
Now put those patties smack on that hot grate, about one inch apart.

Jan collapses, her body seizes.

VOICE OVER:
Much like an elevator, we don’t want to overcrowd our grill.

Jan has stopped moving.

VOICE OVER:
That’s right, one patty at a time.

Abby enters.

ABBY:
Mom?

VOICE OVER:
Now that beef is Mmm Mmm flavorful all by itself, but let’s put a little salt and pepper on, just to liven things up.

ABBY:
Oh my God. Mom. Dad! Mom’s sick!

Abby runs off.

VOICE OVER:
If you’re feeling fun, you can always throw in a little dehydrated onion powder from the good ol Jewel Osco.

Dad enters.

VOICE OVER:
And if you’re feeling REALLY fun, a little chili powder will give your hamburgers that extra kick. Woah there, Jan, not too much!

Charlie enters.

CHARLIE:
What’s wrong with Mom?

VOICE OVER:
Now, you’re going to want to give them a flip, but much like raising children, grilling delicious hamburgers requires patience.

DAD:
Take your brother inside and call 911.

VOICE OVER:
The longer you wait to flip, the more delicious they get.

ABBY:
Mom burned her hand.

Abby exits.

VOICE OVER:
If you get tired waiting, just crack open a nice cold Old Style beer, tune–in to a few minutes of the Chicago Cubs.

Dad flips Jan onto her back, leans in close.

VOICE OVER:
Say hello to your neighbor and empty the ashtray in your car. Say, that a Buick, Jan?

DAD:
There was never any money. I thought if I just kept it up at the track, maybe we’d be alright. It’s all gone. All of it. I can’t do this on my own.

Abby enters followed by Charlie.

ABBY:
They sent an ambulance.

CHARLIE:
I wanna know what’s wrong!

ABBY:
Go inside, Charlie!

VOICE OVER:
You know what would be nice?

DAD:
Charlie, go watch Howdy Doody.

Charlie exits.

VOICE OVER: While we’re waiting to flip those hamburgers, how about some music?

Total blackout. Several seconds of a swinging’ 50s song plays at a jarring volume. Song ends abruptly, lights come up, the ambulance has arrived. Paramedic 1 performs chest compressions on Jan.

PARAMEDIC 1:
I got a pulse, but it’s not holding.

VOICE OVER:
When the blood rises to the top, those patties are ready to flip.

PARAMEDIC 2:
How old is she?

DAD:
Thirty-nine.

PARAMEDIC 2:
Dispatch, this is Mission 10. I have a 39-year-old female in cardiac arrest.

VOICE OVER:
Just take your fourteen-inch stainless steel grill spatula and give those puppies a turn. There it is, right next to the tongs.

Paramedics load Jan onto a stretcher.

VOICE OVER:
Now look at that char! That’s some goo-oo-oood cooking, Jan! You’re almost at the finish line!

PARAMEDIC 2:
Mission 10 inbound.

Paramedics exit with Jan.

VOICE OVER:
Say, Jan–Jan–the–burger–master!
(beat)
Greatest–Jan–there–ever–was!
(beat)
While we’re waiting for the hamburgers to finish, how about some more music?

Lights fade.

VOICE OVER:
(softer than before)
Would you like to listen to some music, Jan?

Another song plays more gently this time.

Blackout.

END.

 

 

 

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