*Content Warnings: Depiction of Death or Terminal Illness, Physical Violence or Abuse, LGBT+ Discrimination*

LOVE LIFE

 

 

A STAGE COMEDY
BY G. R. ARIADNE

 

FLORENCE (American heiress & socialite)
BILLY (Florence’s high school boyfriend)
DONATELLO (Florence’s lover)
MAXIMILIAN, ‘MAX’ (Florence’s first husband)
BOBBY (Florence’s second husband)
CLIFFTON (Florence’s patient)

 

Stage empty except for MAXIMILLIAN sitting on black bench.

[ENTER FLORENCE] Dressed in nice clothes.

FLORENCE: Oh, it really is just like Titanic. (Looks around, turning the way she came in) Well, minus every character of my life welcoming me back into my twenties, and Leo waiting for me upstairs… but at least I’m young again! (Lifting her hands before her eyes to examine them, chuckling) No more wrinkles! Uhhh—I would’ve offed myself years ago if I’d known I’d get my youth back! One thing Mom was right about: youth is wasted on the young.

MAXIMILIAN: Tell me about it.

FLORENCE: Who’s there? (Turns around, surprised to see Maximilian) Maximilian? Is that really… my Maxie! What are you doing here?

MAXIMILIAN: Sitting on a park bench, I think. Isn’t that how we first met, you doing that aggressive walk through Central Park, me reading the paper on a bench?

FLORENCE: And you obnoxiously drinking your black coffee—

MAXIMILIAN: Obnoxiously? How does one drink coffee obnoxiously?

FLORENCE: Drinking it black. Until the day you died, you always thought you were better than me for refusing the cream and the sugar. Should’ve expected your arrogance the moment I first saw you. Ha! You spilled it all over my shoes!

MAXIMILIAN: You walked right into me to get my attention.

FLORENCE: Oh, is that the story you’re going with?

MAXIMILLIAN: (Teasingly) Still mad about that?

FLORENCE: Well, you made up for it with the Jimmy Choos.

MAXIMILIAN: Sure, ten pairs later.

FLORENCE: Really, Maxie. (Walks over to him, offering her hand. He kisses it. She sits down beside him) I’ve missed you.

MAXIMILIAN: That’s good to hear. You didn’t exactly seem pleased to see me.

FLORENCE: (Feigning shock) Why—I ever! Of course I’m happy you’re here! I was just… surprised, is all.

MAXIMILIAN: Surprised?

FLORENCE: I just, I wasn’t expecting to see you here.

MAXIMILIAN: You weren’t ‘expecting to see me’ (Leaning forward, his elbows on his knees). Isn’t this when we’re s’posed to be given a shot, you know, the universe throw us a bone or something, let us be together?

FLORENCE: I, well, I guess. Maybe. I don’t know.

MAXIMILIAN: Who were you expecting to see?

FLORENCE: I don’t know. My mother, maybe. Then I’d know I’ve arrived in Hell.

MAXIMILIAN: I don’t think we’re there.

FLORENCE: No?

MAXIMILIAN: (Standing up to pace slowly, with his hands clasped behind his back) I haven’t encountered anything horrible yet. Just sort of this murky blur—memories, mostly. And you. Of course, only from afar. Your hair, your face, your eyes. The scent of your perfume. The touch of your…After a while, I was given this bench here, and I realized something. I was supposed to wait here, for you. Just like that day in Central Park—

FLORENCE: (Standing up slowly) Where we met.

MAXIMILIAN: (Looking sheepishly at the ground) Yes.

FLORENCE: Well, here I am! Are you gonna spill hot coffee all over me?

MAXIMILIAN: They didn’t give me a cup.

FLORENCE: Huh. (Both sit back down) Max—

MAXIMILIAN: I know, things weren’t exactly… good in the end. But I’m glad that we’re together now. I always knew it would end this way. You and me. You really were the—

[ENTER DONATELLO]

DONATELLO: (In an over-the-top Italian accent) LOVE OF MY LIFE!

DONATELLO walks swiftly from the edge of the stage to meet FLORENCE, before pulling her to stand, taking her by the waist, and kissing her mouth.

MAXIMILIAN: Who the hell is this?

DONATELLO: (Addressing Florence, utterly ignorant of Maximilian’s presence) My love, my life, my bella signora! (Gives her a spin with his hand) Ah, amore mio, I knew I’d see you again!

FLORENCE: (Catching her breath) Donatello—

DONATELLO: (Pulling her close) Shhhhhh. Not a word, my love not a single word. We’ve departed from that foolish world of words and languages. They say that death is but a culmination of all our sweet ecstasies, life a tantalizing series of embraces. But now—oh! No more words! No more words to get in the way. We’re souls here, immortal souls with infinite, ahhh… capabilities. Heaven doesn’t just last for a few stolen moments anymore. Heaven is here, with you, timeless, endless passions, one after another. Let me caress you with my eyes, behold you with my lips, taste you with my—

MAXIMILIAN: Is he for real right now?

DONATELLO: (Turning to Maximilian, noticing him for the first time) Oh, scusi, fratello, I didn’t know there were other people here in this, ahh… (turning toward Florence) Well Heaven’s like Carnival. There’s no need for privacy at this hour of night.

MAXIMILIAN: Florence… who’s this?

FLORENCE: Donatello, um, well—Maxi, this is Donatello.

DONATELLO: (reaching out to shake Maximillian’s hand) Ciao, ciao—er, nice to meet you—

MAXIMILIAN: (Avoids shaking hand, looking at Florence) Sorry, can we have a second? Alone?

DONATELLO: Oh, Mister Maxi, why do you speak like this? We’re beyond such mortal pursuits. No use time-keeping, quantifying life by the hour! There are only breathless moments now, infinities tangled in—

MAXIMILIAN: Yeah, that’s great, Romeo (Pulling Florence by the arm away from Donatello). Something you wanna tell me?

FLORENCE: Oh, well, Maxi, I had a long life, you know… What, I’m not allowed to have love unless it was with you?

MAXIMILIAN: (Flustered) No, of course not—

FLORENCE: Well it’s not my fault if—

[ENTER BOBBY swaggering into the room]

BOBBY: (In a brutal New York accent) Florence, Baby, how ya been?

FLORENCE: (Overwhelmed) Oh, Bobby, my goodness!

(Greets Bobby with a kiss on the cheek, before he quickly slings an arm lazily over her shoulders).

BOBBY: (Pulls out a cigarette, starts chewing on the end of it while addressing Maximilian)
Whose this sour-looking face?

FLORENCE: Oh, well, Bobby, this is Maximilian, and this is Donatello—

DONATELLO: (reaches out to shake his hand) Ciao, ciao, buonasera fratello!

BOBBY: (After shaking Donatello’s hand, returns to look at Max) Oh, so this is the famous Maximillian who made all that money selling real estate? Yeah, heard all ’bout you before we got hitched—left this lovely lass all by her lonesome in New York before I could—ha, ha—(slaps Florence’s ass) seal the deal.

MAXIMILIAN: Florence—

FLORENCE: Well you did up and leave me, Maxi.

DONATELLO: Oh, he had to be stupid to leave you, mi amore! Why would he do such a thing?

FLORENCE: He was arrested.

(Bobby and Donatello turn to look at Maximilian in shock, Donatello gasping)

MAXIMILIAN: No I—cardiac arrest. Real funny, Florence. (Sitting down on a bench, rubbing temples) What kind of game are you playing at?

FLORENCE: (Sits down beside him) Oh, come on, Maxi, we have to make this interesting, don’t we? My grandmother always told me the most important thing you can be in life is interesting.

MAXIMILIAN: Yeah, well your life certainly was interesting, by the looks of it. But this… it’s over, honey. Don’t you want to just, I don’t know, enjoy the bliss?

DONATELLO: I see where he’s coming from, Florence. He was expecting the little putti with the angel wings, reuniting with loved ones, prosecco fountains and a nice family reunion, except without the annoying cousins.

BOBBY: (Barking out a laugh) What kind of reunion is this, then? The I Fucked Florence club?

DONATELLO: (Under his breath) This certainly would be too small of a club, then…

Florence scoffs; Maximilian gets to his feet, jabbing a finger at Bobby

MAXIMILIAN: (To Bobby) Hey—watch your mouth. That’s my—that’s your wife you’re talking about!

BOBBY: (Looking at Florence) He really had a stick up his ass, didn’t he, babe? Aw, c’mon, there’s no need for chivalry in this place. No politeness bull, no rich and formal how do you do’s—maybe that’s hard for a dapper Princeton man to swallow, but c’mon, you kicked the bucket before reaching your prime. Where’d all that goodness get you, huh? Me, I never bothered with that shit. And I had myself a real fine time the whole way through.

DONATELLO: (Pointing at the knife sticking out of Bobby’s back, dripping blood) Did you?

BOBBY: (Turns head to look at the knife, chuckling grimly) Well, had a good enough run, til that night Downtown, eh, babe? (Looking at Florence) I could hear you screaming from the car when it happened. Don’t worry, it was quick. You wouldn’t believe who did it, either. Joey and Vinn—really broke my heart. So much for family, eh?

FLORENCE: You should’ve given them back the money.

BOBBY: The money wasn’t mine to give. Besides, they all left the city when the cops started sniffin’ around. Moved to Jersey to run a boardwalk on the shore, last I heard.

MAXIMILIAN: Jesus, Florence—you married into the mafia after I died?

FLORENCE: Well what else was I to do? The money was running out, and, well, Bobby has a nice charm about him that really sweeps a girl off her feet.

MAXIMILIAN: For the love of—Wait. Italian lover guy, what’d you say back there about this being too small for the Florence Fuck Club?

FLORENCE: Maxi!

MAXIMILIAN: What? I’m your husband, I deserve to know!

[ENTER BILLY dressed in blood-splattered military uniform, running frantically before taking cover behind a prop (chair, bench, etc.)]

BILLY: (Shouting in direction he entered stage) TAKE THAT YOU FILTHY KRAUTS!

BOBBY: Jesus, who’s this guy?

BILLY: (Eyes dart up, for the first time noticing the group) Oh, sorry, fellas, I didn’t realize… are you Allies or what?

FLORENCE: (Walking up to him in utter disbelief) Billy?

BILLY: (Wide eyed) Florence? (He walks up to her, touches her arms, her her face) I’m not, I’m not crazy, you’re really…it’s you?

FLORENCE: (Flings her arms around him) Oh Billy!

BILLY: (Picks her up in a romantic sweep before kissing her cheek) It really is you! I told you I’d see you again! I told you! Just like I promised. Just had to get through the war first… (Digs into pocket, retrieving a photo) I still kept this picture of you, the one you gave me the night before I left.

FLORENCE: (Crying) You were only eighteen.

BILLY: But I kept the promise we made. You remember, don’t you? At the winter dance— (addressing the other men) Oh, you blokes should’a seen us! We were doing the jitterbug like there was no tomorrow—and Florence, she was a real dish, really, she was—though you look great now, you really filled out—(Unable to contain his glee, spins Florence around)! Oh! We promised to wait for each other, til I got back from Normandy. And now I’m gonna marry you and… (Looking up, seeing the other men in the room, Bobby giving a sardonic salute to Billy) Who are all these…?

FLORENCE: (Taking Billy by the hand delicately) Well, you see, Billy, these are all of my… some of my, er, companions, that I met later on in life. There’s my first husband, Max, and then my second husband, Bobby, and that’s my… that’s Donatello.

BILLY: You got married? But you’re only sixteen!

FLORENCE: No, I’m not. I met all of these nice men after… losing you.

BILLY: What are you talking about? I’ve only been gone a few months, and, from what I’ve been hearing, the war’s almost over—(Walking up to the three other men, sizing them up) So I take it you fella’s are Florence’s latest dates to the sop-hop, huh?

MAXIMILLIAN: Yup. (Jerks a thumb at the other two men beside him) Billy, we got two Italians over here if you wanna take ’em out for me.

Billy raising his arms as if he’s holding a gun (though there is no gun) at Donatello and Bobby.

BOBBY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it. (Directed at Maximillian) What’s with Mista Maxi being racist all a sudden—

MAXIMILLIAN: Mr. Lifshitz.

BOBBY: Whateva, Mista—

MAXIMILLIAN: As in one of the Lifshitzes who escaped the Gestapo.

Terribly awkward silence.

BOBBY: Oh, well I—(Shoves Donatello in front of Billy, his phantom gun raised still raised) Donatello, you do the tawkin’.

DONATELLO: (Approaching Billy slowly) Beautiful soldier boy, I’m so sorry you had to go through the war. When Mussolini died, we went to Milan to spit on his corpse—Spahhh! No no no, we’re all friends here.

BOBBY: (Hiding behind Donatello) Yeah, what he said. And I’m American, for what it’s worth. God Bless freaking America!

BILLY: (Lowers his invisible arms) Oh. I’m, I’m sorry, fellas, I’m just a little confused’s all.

DONATELLO: (Walks up to Billy, slings an arm around his shoulder) Ahh, so are we, my friend. See, here I was, running in with the hopes of reuniting with the love of my life—and then I stumble into a room with all of this going on!

MAXIMILLIAN: (Scoffing) Love of your life? Oh please.

DONATELLO: What?

MAXIMILLIAN: You think Florence was the love of your life? How long were you two even together?

DONATELLO: Love isn’t measured in such arbitrary things as time.

BILLY: Yeah, what the Italian said.

DONATELLO: (Gesturing at Billy) See? How could you tell this beautiful boy, who’s time was so limited, that Florence was not the love of his life? Even if they were together for just a little while, before he had the chance to, ahhh…? (Leaning towards Billy) Don’t tell me you’re a virgin?

BILLY: (Blushing furiously) I—(Shifts uncomfortably, sticking hands in pockets. In a low to Donatello) I mean we, you know…did some, some stuff.

DONATELLO: Ah! Well, we’ll have to fix this immediately!

FLORENCE: Donatello!

DONATELLO: Florence, love, who else is a better teacher than you and me? Remember your second visit to Italy? Wrote to me, dreaming about Carnival? You came with all those friends you met in school? And I met you with all the local boys in St. Mark’s—she was drunk by the time we found he —what was it, the winter of fifty seven—and you said you wanted to try something new with that friend of mine between—

MAXIMILLIAN: Wait wait wait. Hold up. (Turning to Florence) The winter of fifty seven? But, Florence, we got married in forty nine.

FLORENCE: Maxi, he must be mistaken—

MAXIMILLIAN: Donatello, how many times did Florence meet you in Europe?

DONATELLO: Oh, it was only a few times, I think. The summer of fifty five was the first time we laid eyes on eachother. And then again in fifty seven, and again in sixty one—

FLORENCE: DONATELLO—

DONATELLO: But I thought—? You said you were, you said you two were seeing other people—how the young say nowadays—an open relationship—

MAXIMILLIAN: (Scoffing) An open relationship—

FLORENCE: We took that break, Maxi, when I, when we were having those… troubles. In sixty one—

MAXIMILLIAN: Yeah, in sixty one! Not during your girls trips to Europe in fifty five, or fifty seven, or—

DONATELLO: (In a low voice) Fifty eight.

BOBBY: HA!

MAXIMILLIAN: Well, whenever else it was you two—you, you schemed behind my back!

BOBBY: (Mockingly) Maybe you just weren’t enough for her, Maxi.

Maximilian assumes a fighting stance, threatening to punch Bobby. Florence gets in between them before anything can happen.

DONATELLO: Scheming? What a horrible word to describe such a fine lady. We were mostly friends all those years, I swear to you. I was the one with an insatiable appetite, Florence always reeling me in a bit. Just friends, most of the time, though, we had a fling here and there—but all purely physical, no romantic attachment!

BILLY: I thought you said she was the love of your life.

DONATELLO: She is! Was! But, you see, we loved each other in a non committal way, you know? Long distance friends caught in the throws of passion after too many glasses of wine—

MAXIMILLIAN: I can’t, I can’t take any more of this. (Gets up, walks away).

FLORENCE: Max, wait—

The pair walk off to the side, whisper-yelling at each other, Max trying not to engage. Meanwhile, the other men remain at center stage, Donatello taking a seat.

BOBBY: (Smugly) Well that went well.

BILLY: No need to sound so happy about it.

BOBBY: What? The guy honestly thinks that he was the only one for Florence, even after he croaked at fifty three? Florence was still a young doll back then, too pretty for a schmoe like that. Life is too long to only stick to one lover.

DONATELLO: That’s what I was trying to say this whole time!

BILLY: (Looking at him disbelievingly) Really? That’s what you were trying to say?

DONATELLO: Yes, though—oh, you poor sweet thing, you never had the chance to know?

BOBBY: Stop pressing the kid, you’re making him uncomfortable.

DONATELLO: Oh, but he never had the chance to make love!

BILLY: (In a low voice) No I… I did.

DONATELLO: Oh?

BILLY: (Scratching his head, avoiding eye contact) We were a week out from an operation. Things were getting… tight, you know—

DONATELLO: (Off to the side) I bet things were getting really tight—

BILLY: And we were still on the boat after all those months…

BOBBY: So what, you screwed the captain’s wife or something?

BILLY: I—no. There weren’t any, any women onboard…

DONATELLO: (Jumping out of his chair excitedly) Really?

BILLY: Look, I don’t wanna talk about it—

DONATELLO: No, I think that’s—that’s beautiful. That you at least got to feel another’s embrace. I don’t really think it matters who is doing what in a relationship—at the end of the day, we all just want to be felt, warmed, touched—

BOBBY: Jesus, you fruitcakes are makin’ me squirm.

DONATELLO: (Under his breath) By the looks of it, we’re making you do a bit more than that.

Bobby looks down, flushes, before covering his crotch.

BILLY: (Looks around, slowly shaking his head) I’ve been stuck on that beach for what felt like forever… but it’s over, isn’t it? The war?

DONATELLO: (Slings an arm around Billy’s shoulders and starts walking with him) Let me tell you something—

Florence and Maximillian walk back to center stage, arguing incoherently before bursting out in rage.

FLORENCE: —well maybe you should’ve asked me in the first place!

MAXIMILLIAN: Seriously? I’m not the one who went sleeping around—

FLORENCE: Oh just drop it, Max. I had to get away. Every day you locked me up and drove off to that pretty little building, coming home praying you’d get me pregnant and I’d start popping out little Maxies for you. You’re still bitter I never wanted kids—

MAXIMILLIAN: Oh my God, you can’t be serious—

BOBBY: (Quipping in, still covering crotch) Can’t you two get a room or something? Or are we gonna have to listen to you both bitch for all eternity?

All pause, trying to discern if there indeed are any rooms in the afterlife. Actors make eye contact with audience members, like they know what’s going on isn’t real.

MAXIMILLIAN: (Shaking head) Regardless—what’d you think I would say to all this, huh? All your lovers? All your—(glaring at Bobby) donors?

FLORENCE: (Scoffs) Just because I loved someone else in my life doesn’t make me a gold digging whore!

[ENTER CLIFFTON—young handsome, dressed in a suit and tie]

CLIFFTON: Hello?

FLORENCE: JESUS—what now? (Looks up, squinting at Cliffton) Sorry, you must have the wrong—er—room, or something. Who are you?

CLIFFTON: Florence, don’t you recognize me? (Florence shakes her head.) Did you really… you forgot about me already?

DONATELLO: (To Cliffton) Honey, no one could forget an ass like yours.

CLIFFTON: (Walking up to Florence) Florence, it’s me. I—I wanted you to have everything, after I died, I—you were my soulmate. You held my hand, Flo, my beautiful Florentine—

FLORENCE: (Takes a step back, gawking) No, it can’t be—but you’re—

CLIFFTON: It’s me, Flo.

FLORENCE: Cliffton. But you’re—you’re gorgeous! And so young! And—Jesus, no wonder your grandson was such a stud.

CLIFFTON: (Laughing) Same as ever, Flo. Tongue sharp as a knife!

MAXIMILLIAN: Let me guess, Sugar Daddy?

FLORENCE: (Glaring) He was my patient, actually.

BOBBY: Patient? Since when did you work?

FLORENCE: Since the IRS came and took everything that once belonged to my late second husband. I wanted to do something good, for once. (Walks up to Cliffton without taking her eyes off Cliffton). I was his caregiver, in the end. He had, he had aphasia, when I… It was hard for you to even talk! And you were bedridden and—(Looking him up and down)—You were such a good man. I’m so glad you have all your beauty again!

CLIFFTON: You gave me all my beauty, Flo.

Florence blushes before looking up at Cliffton, seeing him with new eyes. After a moment, she gives him a hug.

MAXIMILLIAN: (Being an ass) So you did give her your money.

BILLY: Why you gotta spoil their moment?

FLORENCE: (Pulling away from Cliffton, looking at Max with annoyance) He left me a completely unnecessary, generous gift in his will.

CLIFFTON: Of course it was necessary.

FLORENCE: No—

CLIFFTON: Every selfish fruit of my loins got a pretty penny when I died. Why not the person who showed me affection, the person who cared for me, held my hand in the end?

MAXIMILLIAN: (Dryly) She was your employee.

DONATELLO: Forbidden love! I can see the stars flashing in their eyes as we speak—

BOBBY: Jesus Christ!

DONATELLO: Jesus Christ is right! This must be God’s plan if we’re here, loves.

BOBBY: (Scoffing) Yeah, plan for what? Eternal Florence Fuck Club?

CLIFFTON: (Smirking at Florence) Still good with your hands?

BOBBY: Alright, dirty grandpa—

DONATELLO: No, the criminal’s got a point. This is heaven, isn’t it? I’m with the friend I loved most… and all her handsome companions. There’s no hunger, no pain, we’re all young and good looking again. No mortal worries. Love without consequences—no threat of danger, pregnancy, or sickness…

MAXIMILLIAN: This is ridiculous. Every man has his woman. That’s how it’s supposed to work. You find your person, get married, have kids, then die. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, the way it’s always been. Florence—

FLORENCE: Oh—I don’t know! I just always had all this love inside of me, all this love, and I don’t know what to do with it! I’m practically exploding with it, from my hands and my heart and my…. But I can’t be alone again, not after all those years, those last years when I had to live by myself. With the money, but no one to love… I need affection, something to fill all the empty spaces. And all this, all this—(Overwhelmed, like there is far too much space in the afterlife. She walks up to Max until she is right in front of him. She touches his face). I felt so alone sometimes, Maxie, even when you were there. You were always so far away. And now, I feel like I’m gonna get lost if I can’t touch—can’t grab onto, can’t feel or be seen—(Chokes back her words)

All looking at each other, at a loss for words.

BILLY: So what are we supposed to do now?

After a pause, they all commence making out. The orgie disappears behind stage prop.

THE END

(& so, the afterlife begins…)

 

About the Author

Gabriella Raffetto is a writer from the Jersey Shore with a passion for women’s fiction and fantasy. With her B.A. and M.A. in English and Honors in Creative Writing from the University of Pennsylvania, she has dedicated the past several years to crafting her fantasy series, in addition to exploring experimental upmarket women’s fiction. Her creative writing has been published in F-Word and Quake literary magazines, and Crossings: Swarthmore’s Feminist Academic Research Journal. Two of her plays have been performed in the Philly Fringe Alternative Theatre Festival, and UPenn TAC-E One Acts Theatre Festival. She hopes to share her stories with young readers and inspire them as she has been inspired.