The Ray of Hope

Previously published by Smith and Krause

Content warning: creepy and odd behavior

CHARACTERS:

MR: A new but older father.
MRS: A woman of ambition
DOLLY: An elective mute with impeccable nannying credentials

MRS and MR are interviewing DOLLY for a DOLLY position.
They are both dressed in exquisite taste. MRS is perusing an extensive interview form, flipping the pages. MR looks a little bored.

MRS

It says here, you are legal, a U.S. citizen, that you pay your own social security, can drive a car, cook and play badminton.

DOLLY nods vigorously

MRS (continuing)

You don’t smoke, favor classical music, and you like to play with sculpty…What is sculpty? Oh! You can’t answer! How silly of me. (to MR) Sweetheart, what is sculpty?

You play with it? Why, it must be some kind of a game!

MRS

Of course. You are too clever!
(To DOLLY) Your credentials are impeccable, but it’s a little difficult conducting an interview with an elective mute! Do you do use sign language? No. But, it says here, you speak French and Spanish. (to MR) She is very accomplished.

She is very expensive.

MRS

It really doesn’t matter, does it? (to DOLLY) We want the best care for Baby. I mean you must be so careful these days. Baby could end up with one of those island accents, or
eating only rice and fried bananas!

Will she cook for us too? I mean at that price she should be able to manage the cooking too!

MRS

Well it says here, that she cooks with imagination, flair, elan. (to DOLLY) So many kind words for a woman who is so quiet!

Quiet does have its advantages.

MRS

He likes the help to be unobtrusive. I like them to be part of the family. It definitely, definitely appeals to us both that you have elected to be mute.

You are an elective mute.
(DOLLY nods, emphatically)
Which means, you could start to talk at any time?
(DOLLY nods) That could be useful in emergencies. But I can’t say I’m altogether happy about it. There’s something so appealing about a silent woman.

MRS

Well I’m sure that, if it’s all that important to you, she could agree not to talk for, say the first eighteen months? (to DOLLY) Would that be O.K.?

(DOLLY nods)

MRS

You see how accommodating she is! No kind of attitude. And so accomplished. So what about stimulating Baby? Baby isn’t doing much now, but after all, Baby is just two weeks old! (laughs) Have you had any training in development? No?

(DOLLY pantomimes reading, then wiggles her fingers. MRS wiggles back.)
Oh, so you read. Well, that is a terrific way to keep up with your profession. And I do regard what you do as a profession. I have the highest regard for women who have the capacity to stand against the current, to make child–care a career!
(DOLLY nods and smiles)

MRS

I can tell already how warm you are. That , in your own quiet way, you would be devoted to Baby. That you could give it the kind of attention–even love–that we all need to achieve our highest potential. Of course you would in no way interfere with our relationship to Baby, in the hours that we are home. You wouldn’t be one of those selfish nannies, alienating Baby, keeping Baby all to yourself because you have nothing else. Though I expect you to be on call, nights. We are in very demanding jobs and we need our sleep! I can assure you, the last two weeks would have been a complete nightmare without nurse! But now, it is time for nurse to go.

Nurse is a boozer and a snorer. If it weren’t for Baby’s excellent disposition and innate good health it would certainly never have survived.

MRS

Baby is really no trouble at all. Just wash Baby once a week. And skip all the creams and powders they burden you with in the hospital. As if Baby needs all those things, why Baby is absolutely new! Baby is very understanding and so are we. Which brings me to the rules. You’re eye shadow is most becoming. But in my house no makeup except for me. Do you find my husband attractive?
(DOLLY shakes her head vehemently no)
Well, of course not. I also notice that you have very lovely breasts. Would you consider breast reduction? It would be fully covered, as part of your compensation package. Of course, it is not a job requirement.

Did we get the results of the fingerprint check? Or does the agency do that?

MRS (flipping through the form)

It doesn’t say. Look, is this really necessary? She is a lovely woman! (To DOLLY) Your own room, though you will, of course, respect the fact that it’s our house! Color TV, phone. Oh, I suppose that doesn’t matter to you! Every other Saturday off.

Aren’t we being a little hasty, sweetheart? I mean, did you check her references?

MRS

Her agency has the highest reputation! I apologize for my husband’s rudeness. Fingerprints indeed!

This is our only child.

MRS

Baby is perfect. Baby is sufficient. Don’t get carried away by paternity.

It’s not that. It’s just, well, we are entrusting Baby to this complete stranger.

MRS

So?

Will she love Baby, will she teach Baby kindness to others, will she teach Baby how to whistle? (HE demonstrates)

MRS

That is definitely outside of the parameters of the form.

MR (to DOLLY)

How do you discipline a Baby?

DOLLY shrugs.

I see.

MRS

What was that? A trick question?

I was just hoping…

MRS

Do you want to stay home with Baby? Cleaning up little pukes, grinding up sweet potatoes, or whatever they eat? Learning to babble?

No.

MRS

No.

I had a nanny.

MRS

Why sweetheart! I thought I knew all your secrets. You see Nanny is a family tradition already!

MRS nods encouragingly to DOLLY

I had a Nanny with long slender calves; a Nanny who painted her toenails red then topped them with crescent moons. I screamed and screamed for her when they took me out of her bed.

MRS

You see how dear a Nanny can be. We need Nanny, sweetheart.

But then there was the angry Nanny. She ran the tub scalding hot and she would never make me turkey sandwiches.

MRS

Our Nanny is so kind, dear.

I wanted my mother.

MRS

I know, dear. But, that is another conversation. And we’ve already had it.

Why did we want Baby?

MRS

Because everybody wants one. Baby, Mother, Father equals family. It is the cornerstone of civilization.

And Nanny? What is she? Crown molding?

MRS

Don’t be such an idiot.

While we’re at work, what will you do? Sing silent lullabies, teach Baby Stalinist propaganda? What do we really know about you? Though my wife is correct, you do have very lovely breasts.

MRS

Let’s get back to the form, dear.

So, missy, do you believe in one God? Or are you going to start burning incense in the sconces and teaching Baby to worship some pot bellied elephant god with a ruby on its forehead?

MRS

I’ve gotten to the written references sweetheart. Impeccable!

I must tell you, by the way, your base salary requirements are outrageous.

MRS

Honey, you are such a joker. We can’t afford not to have Nanny. We can’t care for Baby! No. Nanny will raise Baby; we will be the parents. It’s very simple. Nanny is human, we are human, it will all work out. Just put a lid on it.

No time for Baby.

MRS

We will have quality time with Baby, special time. Otherwise it is just time, stretching forward remorselessly, gripping you in its coils and crushing you mercilessly. You’d have to give up golf entirely.

Well I can’t stay home with Baby. I can no more nurture than nurse.

MRS

I told you he was clever.

You should stay home.

MRS

You, sweetheart, should go into political correctness rehab. How dare you? I can only assume you confused your medications today.

TO DOLLY

MRS (con’t)

Please excuse him.

(MRS To MR)
We are a pair, a couple in stride, and we cannot break that stride, dear, or we will be plunged into the abyss. And Nanny is here to rescue us before my ten forty–five. She is an angel sent to rescue us and to rescue Baby. Who could we be to Baby but the only parents we know–our parents!

Our parents? Like our parents? No!

MRS

Yes. It’s inevitable. I would play your father and you would play my mother. Or, maybe, it would be the other way round. But either way it would be a painful disaster.

Baby would be emotionally maimed. An empty pair of wingtips.

MRS

Endless therapy sessions and ten to one Baby ends up at the Betty Ford clinic by sixteen.
(Shaking it off)

So do you want the job?

DOLLY nods. MR and MRS collapse onto each other with relief.

MRS

Well that’s done then. Congratulations. And goodbye. Yes. We both have urgent meetings. Can you drop me in your car, darling?

My car has just one phone.

MRS (dialing)

Hello, Jack. Send a car. Now. Here. The usual. Phone, fax, manicurist. Right. No waxing today. All right. So. Well, enjoy Baby! It eats…well I think nurse made a list before she stumbled out of here. If not, well, whatever babies eat! You’re the professional!

(DOLLY holds up two tiny blankets, one pink, one blue)

She’s asking about the nap schedule.

DOLLY shakes her head emphatically no.

MRS

Perhaps she wants to know if Baby is a boy are a girl. Well really, it is unimportant. WE don’t want Baby raised in a gender–prejudiced way. After all, it is these early expectations which shape us, whether that tiny fist is given the hammer or the dolly. So, we’ll just let you guess.

DOLLY shakes her head again.

MRS

Not it. This really is difficult. Could you give us a clue? You know. Sounds like…

DOLLY is stumped. Then she gets a sudden idea. She pulls a small, raggedy teddy bear out of her purse.

Toy, boy, Roy?

DOLLY shakes her head. Again she points to the bear.

MRS

I believe I mentioned I have a ten forty– five meeting. All right. Hairy. (DOLLY excited, motions her on) Hairy, Harry, Harry was Hairy…ladies run down fire escapes to get away from hairy apes. What? The bear. Bear, tear, wear it is all one long weary. No that’s it. Bear. All right. (DOLLY, excited urges her on)

Grin and bear it. Bare your chest. No, that couldn’t be it. Stock advice?

MRS

Where. (DOLLY jumps up and down with excitement) Where is what? The emergency phone numbers are by the phone; the take–out menus are in the drawer. There are extra rolls of toilet paper under the sink. Where is what?

MR and MRS

Baby!

MRS

How silly. We forgot to show you Baby!

THEY drag the same bassinet out from under the table. They coo at its inhabitant.

MRS

Baby is a sunbeam in our life and Nanny… well you are a ray of hope.

And exit waving.

END

About the Author
Susan Eve Haar is a writer and playwright living in New York City. Her essays and short stories have been published in CRAFT, North Dakota Quarterly, Pembroke Magazine, and other places. She is the winner of the 2021 Kallisto Press Chester B Himes Memorial Short Fiction Prize, and twice nominated for a Pushcart prize. Her plays have been published in 30 ecene for WOmen Under 30,2024, The Best Women’s Stage Monologues 2020 and 2018, Monologues for Headspace Theatre: Radical Thinking Inside a Box 2019, and The Best Ten-Minute Plays 2018 all published by Smith & Kraus. Her work has been produced at a variety of venues including Primary Stages, Women’s Project Theater, and the Edinburgh Festival. She is the recipient of a Sloan Foundation commission. www.susanevehaar.com