New Level of Intimacy

(or The Play About Head Lice)

by: John P. Bray

 

 

CHARACTERS
Julie, 30s, a single mother. She wears a robe, and her hair is wet and in a towel at the start.

Matt, 30s, single. He is dressed for a date.

Setting:

Julie’s Apartment/Present

Synopsis:

Matt and Julie have recently started dating. Julie is a single mother. Matt arrives unexpectedly at Julie’s apartment brining her Chinese food; after all, she asked to reschedule tonight’s date due to having a cold. What better way to beat a cold than with hot and sour soup? But when Matt arrives, he finds she is actually fine…. except for the head lice that her daughter brought home! Matt decides to stay and give a hand, as the two experience a new level of intimacy.

 

 

 

(LIGHTS UP. We are in a living space in an apartment. There is a couch with its cushions on the floor. There’s a vacuum, and a few cans of lice killer laying around, evidence of a battle with them. There’s a knock at the door. JULIE enters. She wears a robe and a towel in her hair. She seems puzzled, as if not expecting a knock. She looks through the eyepiece.)

JULIE

Oh, no!

MATT
(Off-stage)

Did you just say “oh, no?”

JULIE

I can’t open the door!

MATT
(Off-stage)

Is it stuck?

JULIE

Oh, God!

MATT
(Off-stage)

I brought you something!

JULIE

Oh, ah…just leave it there! Thanks!

MATT

Julie?

JULIE

I…

(She looks around. She quickly sticks the cans of lice-killer under the couch. Takes a breath. She opens the door and takes a large step back.)

MATT

Hi!

JULIE

Didn’t you get my texts?

MATT

I did.

(Enters with bags, but doesn’t come all the way in.)

Hot and sour soup, General Tso’s Chicken, and Sweet and Sour for Bella.

JULIE

You’re going to get//

MATT

//I’ve had colds before, it’s no big deal.

JULIE

Please. Go. Now.

(A moment.)

I’m sorry, I//

MATT

//No, it’s okay. I’ll just. Can you take this from me?

(JULIE takes the bags.)

MATT

Are you going somewhere?

JULIE

No, I just needed a shower. Steam heat.

MATT

Okay.

(He turns to leave. A beat.)

What’s going on? Really?

JULIE

(Beat.) Lice.

MATT

What?

JULIE

SHE BROUGHT HOME LICE!

(JULIE looks around.)

She’s in the tub right now. I’ve been nitting them out. Nitting? Using a nit comb? Whatever. I just. (Beat.) Lice.

MATT

Okay. So, not a cold.

JULIE

Matt.

MATT

You had me worried there! I thought you were, I don’t know. Getting ready for a date with someone.

JULIE

You thought that?

MATT

I don’t know! We haven’t said anything about//

JULIE

//I don’t want to date//

MATT

//exclusivity.

JULIE

//anyone else.

BOTH

What did you say?

MATT

No, what did you say?

JULIE

I need to hear what you said first.

MATT

I said we didn’t talk about exclusivity.

JULIE

We didn’t. We haven’t.

MATT

And you said?

JULIE

You’re going to make me say it again? (Beat.) I don’t want to date anyone else.

(He finally enters the rest of the way.)

MATT

Spicy soup won’t do much for lice.

JULIE

My mother’s coming over.

MATT

Why?

JULIE

I need someone to…do me.

MATT

To….?

JULIE

My head. I need someone to do my head.

MATT

Oh.

JULIE

Bella is all set. The bath is just…whatever. All the cushions are sprayed, all the corners vacuumed, everything wiped down, washed down. I’ll be folding for days.

MATT

Right.

JULIE

So, my mother is coming over to do…my head. You get it?

MATT

I get it. You washed it with the whatdoyoucall it –

JULIE

Yes.

MATT

So, basically, they should be dead, just need to be –

JULIE

Removed! They need to go!

MATT

Okay. How far away is your mom?

JULIE

She’s still at work. She’ll probably be here in an hour.

MATT

Okay. Um.

(A moment. He makes a decision.)

Get me a comb.

JULIE

No!

MATT

I’m here! It’s okay. Get me a comb!

JULIE

God.

(He puts a cushion back on the couch.)

MATT

They’re really not a big deal. I had them when I was a kid. Little league. Sharing the helmets and all that. That was fourth grade. Then in sixth, I was friends with a kid named Danny Shaffer. He was one of five. His parents couldn’t afford haircuts so they buzzed down their heads twice a year. They always had it. I really liked him and we hung out all the time. My parents told me I couldn’t have him over anymore because each time we’d go through what you’re going through now. And one day, I’m at the water fountain and I feel a tap on my back. I turn around and there he is, a big smile and a wave. I simply turned my face and walked away. I was halfway down the hall. I turned back to see him. He looked confused. I gave him a wave. He gave me a wave, but still looked confused. I didn’t talk to him again until two weeks later. He excited told me he was moving. And I acted excited for him but really it solved the problem for me. He would be gone and my parents wouldn’t have to worry. I really liked that kid, though. He was into GI Joe and Batman. I should have buzzed my head down, too, in solidarity. Anyway, so I’ve had it before, more than twice, and…it’s just a right-of-passage.

JULIE

Sad story. That poor kid.

MATT

Yeah. You ever have them before?

JULIE

Oh, yes. A neighborhood kid down the street. She swears I gave them to her I swore she gave them to me. It was a huge scandal. I was like eight. What made it worse was we were new, you know? New to the neighborhood. New kid brings lice! That took a while to get over. I swear it was that little creep, Nicole. I shouldn’t call her that.

MATT

So, it happens. We all get it. It’s no big deal. Comb?

(She exits. We hear her off stage.)

JULIE
(Off stage)

Five more minutes, Bella, and then that’s it. Got it?

(She comes back with a comb. He presents the space in front of him. She takes the towel out of her hair. He looks at her – she looks beautiful. She reacts to her towel, dropping it. Note: lice shampoo smells awful.)

I’m naked under the robe.

MATT

Hot.

JULIE

So not hot.

(She sits in front of him. She holds the robe closed a little tighter.)

I just feel, I don’t know. (Shudders.)

MATT

Okay.

(She hands him a tissue.)

JULIE

For anything you find.

MATT

Okay.

(He starts combing through her hair, gently parting it in places. He finds one and removes it. She winces.)

JULIE

You do any other form of extermination?

MATT

When I lived in Louisiana I started killing giant roaches with my bare hands.

JULIE

Swat them?

MATT

More like wrestling, those things were huge.

JULIE

I changed my mind. I don’t want to talk about bugs.

MATT

Okay.

(He removes another one. She winces.)

JULIE

Dead?

MATT
(Inspecting.)

Yep. Nothing to worry about, the shampoo did its job.

(He continues combing through.)

JULIE

Have you checked your head lately?

MATT

I itch like hell right now but it’s psychosomatic.

JULIE

Are you sure? We did see each other the day before yesterday.

(He pauses.)

MATT

…pretty sure?

JULIE

Oh, God.

MATT

Oh, shit.

JULIE

There’s more of that shampoo if you wanna shower here. And the spray for your furniture and carpet.

MATT

I don’t have a carpet.

JULIE

Good. Just furniture, then.

MATT

Thanks.

(He goes through her hair again.)

JULIE

You really want to keep doing this?

MATT

I don’t know if I got them all yet.

JULIE

You know what I mean.

MATT

I get to spend time with you, your hair. And you invited me to take a shower.

JULIE

Don’t get any ideas.

MATT

Okay.

(He continues.)

You’re actually okay. Just those few.

JULIE

Okay. Switch.

(He sits in front of her. She starts looking through his hair.)

General Tso’s Chicken is my favorite.

MATT

Mine, too!

JULIE

It’s gonna get a little cold.

MATT

You have a microwave?

JULIE

No.

MATT

Really?

JULIE

They turn food into rubber. We’ll use the toaster oven. Or maybe it’ll hit through in a sauce pan.

MATT

Okay.

JULIE

I don’t see anything.

MATT

Nothing?

JULIE
(Sets down the comb.)

I can keep checking.

(She runs her fingers through his hair. He leans back a little. This is a new level of intimacy for them. A pause.)

JULIE (Contd.)

Okay, I should get Bella out of the tub. She’s impossible to get in, and then impossible to get out.

MATT

All right.

(She rises and turns to leave.)

JULIE

And then you can take your shower.

MATT

I thought I didn’t have any.

JULIE

You don’t. I mean. Stay. Stay. If you want to. You know?

(Beat.)

MATT

Oh! Okay. Yes. Yes, I want to. I want to stay, yes.

JULIE

You sure?

MATT

Yes.

(A moment. She smiles)

JULIE

I need to call my mom. Tell her not to come.

MATT

Right.

(She exits. A beat. He takes the tissue and crumples it. He adjusts the couch. BLACKOUT. End of play.)

 

 

 

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