*Content Warnings: Crude language* by: Emma Noble A podcast studio. WHITNEY and BROOKLYN are center stage sitting in chairs. Off to the side of the stage, there is a couch. (Any design choices regarding types of chairs, tables, podcast equipment, ect. is left up to the production team.) A little jingle plays. Lights up. WHITNEY Hello hello hello friends! Welcome back to Popcast! BROOKLYN Your one stop shop for all of your pop culture news! WHITNEY How are you doing today Brooklyn? BROOKLYN Whitney, I’m having a great day! I was doing some shopping for the New Years party I’m hosting. What about you? WHITNEY I’ve been at the studio all day getting ready for today’s episode! BROOKLYN You’re the best! I was running late because the lines at the stores were crazy, so I’m sorry! WHITNEY It’s all good. It’s all good. Speaking of lines, I don’t think I’ve ever talked about my Black Friday experience. BROOKLYN I don’t think you’ve mentioned it to me. WHITNEY Michael and I went to the mall and oh my god, it was a literal shitshow. We were waiting outside of Smiths Boutique and saw 2 people fighting…over a toaster! I don’t know where they got it, probably from the home goods store but I seriously don’t know why they had to take their little brawl to the middle of the mall. BROOKLYN And this is exactly why I don’t go Black Friday Shopping. I just wait for Cyber Monday. However, this episode isn’t the Black Friday debrief. WHITNEY It’s not, but I think you all are in for a big treat! BROOKLYN To be honest, I don’t think that I’ve been so excited to film an episode ever and it’s only thanks to your support! WHITNEY Yes! This is all possible because you guys keep watching and streaming the podcast and by the way, please keep tuning in for each episode. You can find us wherever you get your podcasts! BROOKLYN Also, leave us a review but only if it’s good! The algorithm doesn’t like bad reviews! WHITNEY And remember to invest in today’s sponsor which is our merch! Brooklyn, did you hear that the Popcast merch is what all of the hot girls are wearing? BROOKLYN Yes! Slay the new year in style with our merch! You can get it on Popstore.shop! WHITNEY I think it’s time to get into today’s episode! BROOKLYN So, today we have a very special treat for you all! This year has come to an end and has once again brought a colorful variety of trends, memes, shows, music, and movies. Whitney and I always look forward to our yearly recap. WHITNEY We do! You all know how passionate I am about pop culture and all of the piping hot tea but today is not about me and what I think! BROOKLYN Today, our yearly recap is going to look a little different because it’s not about us. We have gathered together the biggest stars and public figures who defined this year! We are going to be asking them all of your burning questions and giving them a chance to reveal it all! WHITNEY It’s time to bring in our first guest! You might know this star from the reality show that took the world by storm this year! We are so honored to have the remarkable Ainsley Cameron from Ainsley & Ainsley! AINSLEY CAMERON enters and sits on the couch. BROOKLYN Welcome Ainsley! Whitney and I have been obsessed with your journey and have been talking about your show all year! AINSLEY CAMERON Thank you so much for having me! It’s so cool to be part of such a big event and it was neat getting to chat with the other stars before I came in! BROOKLYN We are so glad you could join us today! We’re obsessed with your show! It’s wild to see how viral it went! AINSLEY CAMERON Absolutely! To be honest, I thought that Ainsley & Ainsley would be fun and that people would enjoy it because of my unique story but I never expected it to take off the way it did! But, hey! It isn’t every day that you get to see a person who is legally married to themselves! BROOKLYN This might be hard to believe but I think you’re the first person we’ve had on our show that’s legally married to themselves! AINSLEY CAMERON I’m honored to be the first. WHITNEY Why did you decide to start Ainsley & Ainsley? AINSLEY CAMERON Ainsley & Ainsley was a way to document the ups and down of my relationship with myself and how things might look a little different around my household than most do. BROOKLYN Your love story is truly one for the ages! Tell me a little bit about the public perception of you and how the reaction from everyone had impacted you. ANSLEY CAMERON Overall, the feedback has been very positive and I love that people find my life interesting. Obviously, haters are gonna hate but you just got to shake it off! BROOKLYN Wow, I love that! Now let’s get into your standout moments from the show! What was your favorite date that you took yourself on? AINSLEY CAMERON That’s such a hard question! I obviously love any time that I get to spend with myself and all of the dates on the show were so much fun! I would say that the laser tag date was my favorite. I was scared that I was going to beat myself but I ended up beating myself! WHITNEY That date was wild! We didn’t know who would win. I was rooting for Ainsley but Brooklyn was rooting for Ainsley so it was quite an intense night! BROOKLYN I was on the edge of my seat! Now, what would you say the biggest struggles are of being married to yourself? AINSLEY CAMERON It’s definitely the fights I have with myself. It can be super frustrating when you want something but then yourself wants something else. Couples counseling has been a life saver and has taught me how to fall madly in love with myself. After that, I’m back to having very passionate and romantic nights with myself. BROOKLYN Oh my gosh! You are so perfect for yourself! AINSLEY CAMERON Aww, thank you so much! Myself and I really appreciate that! WHITNEY I totally agree. However, if I’m totally being honest…I think that sometimes you can be a little bitch to yourself. BROOKLYN Whitney!? I thought that we wouldn’t be doing this today! WHITNEY We weren’t going to but you can’t tell me that it’s ok to hang out with other people than yourself. You’re basically cheating on yourself! AINSLEY CAMERON I understand where you’re coming from but myself and I have talked about this and we’re totally cool with one another hanging out with friends. WHITNEY That’s basically like my man saying that it’s ok if he goes and hangs out with other girls! You’re ridiculous! AINSLEY CAMERON Well then, tell me what I should do, have no human interaction with anyone besides myself? I’ll go crazy! WHITNEY If you truly cared about yourself, then yes! You should be ashamed! To be honest, I never liked you that much. I always liked Ainsley better. BROOKLY and AINSLEY CAMERON gasp. BROOKLYN What the hell Whitney? AINSLEY CAMERON Well, who’s the little bitch now? Piss off! WHITNEY You know I’m right! AINSLEY CAMERON Actually, I’m right. I know myself better than anyone! WHITNEY You don’t know knick knack patty whack jack shit! AINSLEY CAMERON You’re making me very angry. WHITNEY Well, you should be angry. I would be angry if I found out that I was being cheated on! AINSLEY CAMERON and WHITNEY argue with each BROOKLYN Ladies, ladies, relax! You’re both pretty. Ainsley, I would just like to say that you are an inspiration to so many people. You truly are. You are inspiring me to marry myself. Long pause. WHITNEY Brooklyn, you have a husband. BROOKLYN Oh shit, you’re right. Ok, never mind then! Thank you for your time Ainsley and I’m sorry we didn’t get to everything but it’s time for our next guest. AINSLEY CAMERON leaves filled with rage. BROOKLYN This next guest is one who launched one of the biggest trends of the entire year! Whitney, do you remember when we attempted the burger building challenge? WHITNEY Yes! It was a lot of fun! I’m the world’s best burger builder and that’s a hill I will perish upon. BROOKLYN Well, we are going to talk to the actual best burger builder in the world! WHITNEY makes a disgusted face. This next guest likes his burgers like he likes his peaches, big and juicy! Here is the legendary Billy Barnes. BILLY BARNES enters and sits on the couch. Well howdy there Mr. Barnes! BILLY BARNES Howdy! I’m so glad that you young ladies invited me on the show today! WHITNEY We’re so glad that you could make it! What was your childhood like? BILLY BARNES As a little boy in Oklahoma…I loved cows. I loved chickens. I loved pigs. Animals were my best friends growing up on the farm. However, there’s only one thing I love more than animals…animal meat! BROOKLYN I also love animal meat! BILLY BARNES I especially love burgers. I remember being at fast food restaurants as a little kid and being mesmerized by the cooks making the burger. I was obsessed with the way they looked. WHITNEY If you all couldn’t tell, the man likes burgers. How did your experience as a little boy get you to where you are today? BILLY BARNES I quickly learned that different burgers can evoke different emotions and that made me realize what the most important aspect of a burger is. Aesthetic is everything when it comes to burgers. I then set out to build the tallest and most beautiful burgers. It makes me proud to see that in the 250 some years of America being a country, the people can finally appreciate a good-looking burger. BROOKLYN Wow. You are such an inspirational man. There has been much debate about whether or not you are the world’s best burger builder. With burger building getting so big, other people have been claiming that they are the world’s best burger builder. It has been a topic that has destroyed many relationships. Who knew that burger building could do that to people? We wanted to put an end to this so that our divided country could join together in unison once again. Billy, who is the world’s best burger builder? BILLY BARNES I hate to see that this beautiful thing that brings people together can tear them apart. I have been beyond impressed with all of the burgers that folks have been making. Our country is a remarkable place with remarkable people. However, I would have to say that as someone who has been doing this for over a decade, I am the world’s best burger builder. I think that this could easily change as time goes on but as of now, folks are still unexperienced. WHITNEY Wrong! I am the world’s best burger builder. I’m confident. I have been doing research and while most of the burgers do look pretty decent, they don’t compare to mine. Billy, I challenge you to a burger building competition. BROOKLYN This wasn’t part of the plan Whitney. We can’t keep Billy here forever. BILLY BARNES No, that’s ok. I love a good burger building competition. BROOKLYN I suppose we can do a little competition. It wouldn’t be a terrible idea as long as things don’t get out of hand. Popcast cast, bring out the burger building stations. Burger building stations are wheeled out (No oven WHITNEY May the best burger builder win. BROOKLYN On your marks, get set, go! A bell sounds and intense music plays. BILLY BILLY BARNES Did you all forget to bring out burger buns? I hate to break it to you but-HEY! What the hell are you doing with all of the buns? WHITNEY I’m not doing anything. Focus on your own burger. BILLY BARNES I can’t start making a burger if I have no buns. You’re cheating! WHITNEY I’m not cheating. It’s not my fault you’re a slow, pathetic man. BILLY BARNES Give me the buns. WHITNEY Find your own damn buns. BILLY BARNES goes to the other side of the table WHITNEY Get away from me you creep! BILLY BARNES Give me the buns! You only need two! BILLY BARNES and WHITNEY continue to BILLY BARNES OW! You kicked me in those things that people are allergic to! BROOKLYN GUYS, CUT IT OUT! We can’t be fighting. How about I tell you about my grandfather instead? BILLY BARNES Please! I can’t do this! BROOKLYN My grandfather also had a farm. Billy, I know you like animal meat so I think that you two would really get along. My grandfather was quite a local celebrity in our town because he was the best cow slaughterer anyone had ever met! Nobody murdered cows quite like he did. Long pause. BILLY BARNES Ok. Just because I like eating animal meat doesn’t mean I want to hear about dead cows. BROOKLYN Oh. you don’t? Damn. I really thought you were going to like the story. Anyways, we’ve got to get ready for our next guest but thanks for stopping by. BILLY BARNES Thanks for making it an interesting experience. I’m going to get an ice pack. BILLY BARNES leaves. The burger building WHITNEY I wonder what his problem is. Anyway, it’s time for our final guest of the episode! We’re so excited to have this cutie join us today! It’s time for things to heat up as we welcome the superstar Chase Holmes! CHASE HOLMES enters and sits on the couch. BROOKLYN Welcome! We’re both huge fans of your music! How did you go viral? CHASE HOLMES What’s up guys? I’ve always loved music. I’ve been releasing music for a few years now. I started posting little clips online of me teasing my songs and my song “My Shawty’s a Little Baddie” blew up overnight. One of the clips that I made for the song got reposted by Heartbreaker Records and then everyone knew about it. Now every single night when I walk home from the studio, I always seem to have a teen girl following me around which is a little wack, but you know we’re always vibing. BROOKLYN This is the perfect time to tell all of you besties watching that it’s not nice to be a stalker. Stalkers are bad so please don’t a bitch. Ok? Love you! Anyway, tell us about your childhood growing up and how you started to get into music. CHASE HOLMES Growing up on the beach was sick. I used to rip the waves every day. Surfing was my passion back then. I actually won quite a few competitions. However, one day I was riding a big wave and I lost my balance. I slipped and the wave pulled me under. I’m so lucky that the lifeguards were able to spot me and pull me out. I was rushed to the ER and was found in a coma. The doctors didn’t think I would make it. BROOKLYN Oh my gosh! Did you survive or are you a ghost? CHASE HOLMES To be honest, I ask myself that question every day but lately I’ve been assuming that I’m not a ghost. If it weren’t for some baddie angel, I would’ve definitely been one though. When I woke up, the doctors said that I wouldn’t be able to surf ever again. That was the worst shit I ever heard in my life. WHITNEY That sounds like a nightmare! BROOKLYN Yeah, what was the recovery process like? CHASE HOLMES My parents bought me a guitar when I was recovering in the hospital. I thought it was super lame. One day, I picked it up and played that thing for like 3 hours straight. After I recovered, I learned how to play piano and drums. I also took vocal and songwriting lessons. That’s pretty much how I got to where I am now. I can shred the waves again! I can also shred the guitar! WHITNEY and BROOKLYN are crying. WHITNEY I’m sorry. You’re just such an inspiration. I’m so happy that you’re able to do what you love now. BROOKLYN I agree. Anyway, let’s get into one of the most significant parts of your life. You and your girlfriend Sarah are just the cutest. You’re always doing things together like…posting pictures and…hanging out and…taking up space on my social media feed. How has she been a rock in your life? CHASE HOLMES I always talk about baddies because there are so many in the world. Sarah is the baddest baddie of them all. I wrote “My Shawty’s a Little Baddie” before I met Sarah. As time goes on, I realized that I wrote the song to her because she was the one who was always on my mind. She’s great and I’m lucky to have her as my shawty. WHITNEY That’s so sweet. I want to be honest with you though. I think that Sarah is lowkey kind of mid. I mean she’s kind of bratty and not really that pretty. BROOKLYN (Gasps) Whitney! Are you out of your mind? That’s such a shitty thing to say! CHASE HOLMES Why the hell are you talking about my girlfriend that way? WHITNEY I don’t know. I mean, she’s just kind of an airhead. CHASE HOLMES My baddies got the hots and the brains and you and I both know that. WHITNEY Well, I guess if you know that, then you’re an airhead as well. CHASE HOLMES Can you stop? Why are you doing this to me? WHITNEY I’m trying to help you. You should be thanking me! CHASE HOLMES I should thank you for insulting my girlfriend?? You’re nuts! CHASE HOLMES and WHITNEY argue in the BROOKLYN Hello? Hi Sarah! Are you in town right now?…You’re waiting to pick Chase up?…Ok, can you actually come into the studio real quick?…something’s broken and we need an extra pair of hands…No, everything’s great here! We’re having such a fun time! We just need to get this fixed…okay, thank you! BROOKLYN hangs up and the arguing resumes. CHASE HOLMES Can you stop doing this to me? WHITNEY Maybe if you were actually talented, you wouldn’t have an ugly girlfriend and have to put up with this! SARAH enters. CHASE HOLMES JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! SARAH Babe, what are you doing? The arguing stops. Everyone looks at SARAH. It is BROOKLYN Oh, hi Sarah! You’re just in time! We were about to fix the door. SARAH I just walked through the door. It’s working fine. Chase, why were you yelling at Whitney just now? CHASE HOLMES Baby, I can explain. She was insulting you just now. WHITNEY (Gasps) How can you say something like that? I would never insult you sweetheart. CHASE HOLMES She’s gaslighting me! She called you an airhead and said that you were bratty and ugly! WHITNEY Chase, how can you even associate such horrible words with your girlfriend? SARAH I really can’t believe that you would talk that way to a lady! CHASE HOLMES I didn’t! Brooklyn, can you help me out here? BROOKLYN Wait, what are we talking about? CHASE HOLMES You’re telling me that you really don’t know what happened?? AINSLEY CAMERON and BILLY BARNES enter. BROOKLYN Oh, look who it is! It’s Ainsley Cameron from Ainsley & Ainsley and it’s Billy Barnes, the burger building dude! What’s going on guys? AINSLEY CAMERON We heard everything! I can’t believe that you would say that Whitney! BILLY BARNES I think it’s time for this little lady to hop in my truck. It’s about time she spends a night with the cows! BILLY BARNES, AINSLEY CAMERON, and CHASE BROOKLYN Oh, would you look at the time! We’ve got to go, Anyways, buy our merch! I need the money for therapy-I mean the show…so we can make it better and stuff. Remember to give us a five star rating! Love you, bye! Ok, cut the cameras! CUT THE CAMERA- A sound plays indicating the cameras shutting off. END. Emma Noble is a freshman at the University of Mary Washington in Fredericksburg, Virginia. She has been performing for about 9 years but took a break when she came to college. However, she took Intro to Playwriting her fall semester where she wrote her first one act called Popcast.
Popcast
other and do the am not, am too, am not type of thing.
or grill is needed). WHITNEY and BILLY
BARNES get behind their stations.
BARNES studies the topping, trying to plan out
what to do. WHITNEY checks and sees that he’s
totally locked in and not paying attention. She
quickly steals all of the buns. BILLY BARNES
does not notice for a few seconds but then looks for
the burger buns.
and tries to grab the buns.
struggle and WHITNEY finally kicks him.
stations are cleaned up and wheeled offstage.
background while BROOKLYN moves to the side
and calls someone.
dead silent in the room.
HOLMES drag WHITNEY offstage. She crawls back
onstage yelling. The three guests rush back onstage with
two Popcast cast members and wrestle with her. At this
point, WHITNEY is screeching except everything she’s
saying is completely incoherent. BROOKLYN comes CS.
WHITNEY’S mic is turned down.
Blackout.About the Author
