CHARACTERS: A TABLE IN THE MIDDLE WITH A PLATE OF CRUMBS. EMILY, JO AND YVONNE HUDDLE IN WITH THEIR BACKS TOWARD AUDIENCE, EATING RAVENOUSLY. LUCY ENTERS WITH A PLATE OF M & M’s. THEY PERK UP WATCHING HER EVERY MOVE. LUCY Whoa, what are you doing? YVONNE If I don’t eat something, I’ll have a hypo. EMILY They let us in and it looks like- JO We’re starving. What’s the problem? LUCY That’s the test! EMILY You should have said so. LUCY You post-grads are all alike. JO If it wasn’t for us, you’d have no guinea pigs. YVONNE Hey, we were just told to go in. JO After we signed the consent. EMILY I thought we already started. LUCY What? How? YVONNE (To Emily) Oh, yeah, I also saw that $20 on the ground outside. (To Lucy) Are you testing morality? EMILY (To Yvonne) I thought I was being tested for “Bystander Apathy” when I passed that drunk homeless guy. So I made sure he was breathing then- JO Walked right by. (She sits down on table) LUCY PUTS PLATE DOWN AND MOVES STAGE RIGHT TO OBSERVE AND MARK THEIR ANSWERS ON CLIPBOARD. LUCY Wrongo. Wow, you went through this like locusts. So on a scale of 1 to 3, 1 good, 3 bad, 2 unsure, give me a number. YVONNE I normally don’t eat trans-fat. JO (To Lucy) 1 to 3? I was expecting something more high tech. EMILY Yeah, is that all your department can come up with? LUCY For your info, the evolutionary biology department has gotten more research funding this year then- EMILY The psychophysiologists, which isn’t fair. What’s the point of guessing the ways cavemen acted to figure us out now? YVONNE I know, guessing pre-determined behavior is so retro. JO (Gestures hands like a see-saw) Not another hard-drive, our bodies, versus, software, our brains, crap. Ugh. LUCY You’re being paid to participate. So you- YVONNE Dictate how we act? EMILY Follow the rules and be obedient? JO Just make up the numbers for your survey? LUCY Right! Just pick one and give me a number. THEY HESITANTLY GO TO PICK ONE. EMILY GETS A SHOCK FIRST AND THEN JO AND YVONNE GET SHOCKED. EMILY Ow! You’re going to Milgram us? YVONNE Hey, the ethics committees threw out electrical shocks a long time ago. JO If I had to test you two, you’d be fried. EMILY AND YVONNE GIVE HER A LOOK AND A SNUB. LUCY What a bunch of babies. That’s just static. C’mon, we’re running out of time. Wait. I’ll be right back. LUCY TAKES THE EMPTY PLATE AND EXITS BEHIND THE TABLE. THE SUBJECTS WILL LOOK AT THE M&M STACK AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET AT THEM BY POKING THEIR FINGERS BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID TO GET SHOCKED. YVONNE Hey, I got one without a shock. JO (Claps) Eureka, from lab rat to lab assistant in one go, evolution at work. EMILY Looks like the old monkey experiment. YVONNE You think? EMILY Yeah, but that was the Cognitive Psychologists testing monkeys on their preference for a particular colored M&M? THEY WILL CIRCLE THE PLATE. JO “Seven out of four monkeys had a weak preference for blue.” Just like three out of four dentists. Oh please. YVONNE Hey, it’s a classic. JO Classic bull… Comparing how monkeys choose an M&M and then have choice remorse? C’mon, that’s ridiculous. EMILY From that, they got Ph.D.’s. If only my supervisor was such a pushover. LUCY RETURNS WITH A PLATE STACKED WITH MARSHMALLOWS. THEY LAUGH AND CIRCLE LUCY. JO Oh, my, god. What other clichés are you gonna haul out? LUCY (She puts plate down and moves stage right) We’re doing something different here. Would you recommend this product to your social circle? Yes. No. Unsure. EMILY TAKES ONE AND EATS SEDUCTIVELY. YVONNE Yes, if that’s what she’s having. JO Hang on a minute. How can you do any study with three diverse people? You don’t have the numbers. And the methodology is what? LUCY You’re all such brainiacs. You figure it out. On this plate, the marshmallows look the same but they’re different. Can something be new and improved? I need numbers and opinions, people. THEY WALK AROUND THE TABLE HUNGRILY. THEY EYE EACH OTHER. THEN EMILY GRABS ONE. THEY IGNORE LUCY. YVONNE (She looks at it and holds it up) The old marshmallow enticer test. Just from this they said they could predict who’d be successful in life by holding back on instant gratification. Only a child would fall for that one. (She then pops it in her mouth) JO (She hesitantly takes one) What a load of lies. They take a sample of kids, tell them if they wait they’ll get two marshmallows instead of one and suddenly they’re doing a longitudinal study. (She eats a small bit) LUCY Well we’re not doing that here. We don’t have the time. Now which- EMILY (She grabs another one and holds it up) Wow, from this they could tell whether you become a success or a failure. JO Nothing can measure that. Plus they get idiots for their experiments. (Eats one) LUCY What are you saying about yourself? And does this give you any dietary concerns? 1-Strongly agree, 2- neither, 3- strongly disagree. YVONNE (Starts to do some Yoga stretches) Hey, all these evolutionary biologists can do is see us as a bunch of apes. Some of us have like progressed and become self-actualized. JO I know I’ve progressed because I can leave. EMILY The reality is our behavior is pre-determined by the groups we’re born in to. We have no control over that. LUCY (To EMILY) What department are you from? EMILY Sociology. JO How predictable. YVONNE (To Emily) So you’re saying there’s no free will? No independent action? We’re all a bunch of clones? Like not. JO (To Yvonne) I presume you’re from the soft sciences like most women. YVONNE Get real. Psychology study’s our deepest selves. JO Bingo. Full of ego. All about me, me, me. EMILY Oh yeah, and what darkened end of the corridor have you crawled out from? JO Economics. EMILY AND YVONNE LAUGH. LUCY TAKES PLATE AND EXITS IN A HUFF. YVONNE You’re as soft as the rest of us. EMILY Yeah, all those voodoo theories that can’t be reproduced. It’s not really a science but about- JO Allocation of resources. LUCY ENTERS WITH A PLATE OF PINK MARSHMALLOWS AND THEY CIRCLE HER AND TAKE ONE. YVONNE Can I choose not to eat this? LUCY No. Do you have any brand loyalties? JO What are you testing? LUCY Does this raise your happiness level, 1-3, very much, somewhat, no way? EMILY -5, this one thing is not going to do all that. Besides, we can lie. People are devious. You should have gotten animals. LUCY I wish I was talking to a dog but the experiment requires you to continue. EMILY (Walks in back) When you study sociology you see individual actions are an illusion. JO You’re deluded thinking these experiments change anything. YVONNE It’s a game. That’s why subjects play with the testers. I’m starting to feel sick. LUCY Which one is not agreeing with you? YVONNE These make me want to puke and those are cutting off my airway. JO (Throws a marshmallow at her) They’re all the same, muppet. That’s the problem. (To Lucy) Is this about advertising? EMILY No, it’s a randomized mess! JO I think it’s a simple reward experiment. EMILY Where there’s reward, there’s punishment. YVONNE That’s the scary bit. Nobody gives something for nothing. LUCY Just pick the ones you like! 10 being extremely likeable, 0 being the pits. JO Hey, I want to see that consent form again. I didn’t sign up for pain. EMILY The only reason I’m here is for the money. But it said no payment if not completed. LUCY So let’s get through this! JO What horrible test do we have to do to each other? YVONNE How desperate are you for money? EMILY I’ve got such a big student loan. I’m happy just to eat. (Munches away) YVONNE While you’ve been stuffing your faces, I’ve been doing my own study. EMILY So have I. YVONNE Yeah well, I’m doing an attitudinal study on how subjects can fake testing and give false results. Which makes all of this bogus. EMILY Well, I manipulated you all proving the theory when any group of people come together they naturally pick a leader and follow them. I always made the first choice and you followed. You’re just a bunch of sheep. Baaa. JO Oh my god. And while we’re doing this, I counted the inaccuracies in the lack of research design, method, sample and collection. It’s all pointless. THEY START TO THROW THE MARSHMALLOWS AT EACH OTHER. YVONNE (To Lucy) So does that help your little experiment? LUCY Heaps. YVONNE For what? LUCY Market research. EMILY I thought this was legitimate? LUCY It is. That’s one of the things I was hired for. JOHN One? LUCY As a side job. The other is recruiting subjects for their experiment. You haven’t started yet. EMILY What was all that? LUCY Well I’m running my little marketing research while you wait to be brought in to the real stuff. Time is money and no one has it to waste. YVONNE Wasn’t what we did the test? LUCY Nope. My market survey is for food companies. I’m doing two things at once. I’ve got student loans too, ya know. LUCY STARTS TO PUSH THEM TOWARDS THE OTHER DOOR AGAINST THEIR WILL. But in there are the big guys with the real equipment. It looks scary. And you won’t know what you’re being tested for. Time to see how smart you really are. LUCY CORRALS THEM OUT TO EXIT. THEY LOOK AROUND SCARED AS IF THEY ARE BEING WATCHED. THE END About the Author
Testing the Tester
LUCY– In lab coat with clipboard
EMILY– sociology student, in grungy, casual clothes
JO– economics student, in glasses, trendy dresser
YVONNE-psychology student, in hippy, new age gear
Faith de Savigné has had her plays performed in Australia as well as the USA, Canada, New Zealand and the U.K. Some productions: Open-Door Playhouse, LA- Are We Doing Christmas?, and Spark Creative Works, NY-Hands Off, We Bite. Script in Hand, Sydney and Riverside Theatre, London -Swiped, Her plays can be found on New Play Exchange.
