Synopsis and Setting (There is a green 7 foot statue of a female nude on stage, but the sculptor had added rip-wrap around her midriff and breasts as part of the sculpture, so her breast don’t show. Augustus, in a robe, is inspecting the statue, especially trying to look under the sculpted rip-wrap that surrounds her midriff. Mark comes in and gets angry.) List of Characters Mark, Marcus M 40, a very wealthy businessman, Beatrice’s wife Augustus, Auggy, Gus M 50, Emperor of Rome, in robes Beatrice F 35, Mark’s wife MARCUS You! What are you doing? What are you looking at? AUGUSTUS Me? You’re talking to me? MARCUS Yes, I’m talking to you. AUGUSTUS You? Are talking to me? In that tone? MARCUS Yes, I am talking to you. And I’ve called the guards who will soon also be talking to you. AUGUSTUS The Gods. You’ve called the Gods? Well, when they Gods get here, you’ll hear some talking, some thunder, when the Gods get here. They made me emperor. MARCUS Emperor? AUGUSTUS Yes Emperor. Who else dresses like this exactly? I don’t allow it. MARCUS Crazy people, inmates, beggars on the street. That’s who. And it shouldn’t be allowed. AUGUSTUS It’s not! MARCUS You’re emperor of what, may I ask? AUGUSTUS Of what? What is this place? MARCUS I’m not surprised you don’t know. California. AUGUSTUS I don’t remember it, there were maybe 46 provinces of Rome at one point, but this must be some outlying province I’ve forgotten about. MARCUS Rome? Ca-li-for-nia is not a province of Rome, as everyone knows, except crazy people. AUGUSTUS You’re a very rude person. The Gods will soon take care of you. MARCUS My guards will put you in prison! This is my property. I bought five adjacent lots I the finest neighborhood and California, torn down all the buildings and fences, built my own building and fenced my estate. This is my lawn and my guards will get you off. AUGUSTUS And I suppose this is your statue. BEATRICE (Entering.) Mark, Marcus, there you are. I’ve been looking for you. And who’s this? A friend? What are you shouting about? MARCUS Hardly a friend. A maniac, a deranged person. AUGUSTUS I was looking at this statue. Young lady, it looks a bit like you. BEATRICE It is me. Makes me blush a little. AUGUSTUS Whatever possessed anyone, whoever to build this statue? And here? MARCUS Me! It possessed me, whatever it was. I’ve studied Rome, which you pretend to know about. Romans built statues of their wives. BEATRICE Calm down, both of you. AUGUSTUS I was the first to build a statue of his wife. I invented the idea, for the Romans. MARCUS What? BEATRICE That’s charming. So nice, maybe. Was it nice? And then others copied you? MARCUS I didn’t copy anyone? BEATRICE You just said you copied the Romans. MARCUS Yes, but no. AUGUSTUS It was difficult at first, you know. We Romans were lousy sculptors. Did you realize that? But the Greek slaves we had, after Corinth, you know, when we brought Greece into the Roman Republic, by force of course. MARCUS Romans did everything by force, of course. That much is true. AUGUSTUS But the Greeks, slaves, were great sculptors, and eager to sculpt instead of die. (Laughs.) MARCUS Not funny. BEATRICE A little funny. AUGUSTUS You would probably rather sculpt another man’s wife than die too. Wouldn’t you? BEATRICE I bet they liked it. Sculpting another man’s wife. Very risqué. Marcus, don’t look at me like that. I didn’t like it. Not at all. That man sculpting me! MARCUS He didn’t “sculpt” you. He was working primarily from photos. BEATRICE He asked me to come in and walk around and sit and stand. MARCUS He asked you to sit and stand? BEATRICE He was sculpting me. He said that was necessary; the sitting and standing were. MARCUS While he was a sculpting you? AUGUSTUS This sculptor of yours did some other funny things. He sculpted all this rip-wrap around this woman’s body. MARCUS I told him to do that. AUGUSTUS Ridiculous! If you don’t believe your wife has a beautiful midriff and breasts for that matter, why make a statue of her? BEATRICE I guess I agree and all that sitting and standing would hardly have been necessary. MARCUS What sitting and standing? Why do you keep mentioning that? AUGUSTUS I seems right that when sitting and standing, you really notice a women’s… MARCUS Okay, now shut up! AUGUSTUS And walking of course. Only a woman walks the way a woman walks. MARCUS And a man walks the way a man walks. AUGUSTUS Boring. BEATRICE Yes, and walking, lots of walking. He watched me walking, a lot. What? He said that’s what it takes to have a sculpture made, walking as well as sitting and standing. MARCUS I bet. Walking and watching. And the sculptor, who I was paying for this, he watched you, walking? BEATRICE Very carefully, very professionally. He said that was necessary. MARCUS He watched your feet setting down and coming up when you were walking? BEATRICE The feet are just where the weight meets the ground; the ‘walking’ he said, was higher. MARCUS Higher? He watched your knees walking, your knees going up and down? Short skirt? BEATRICE You don’t walk with your knees, he explained, and I don’t remember what I was wear or not wearing. MARCUS Not wearing? BEATRICE You walk with your glutes. He watched my glutes. AUGUSTUS What are glutes? They sound Greek. BEATRICE They are Greek, Gluteus Maximus. (She turns her buttocks toward him.) Buttocks. AUGUSTUS I didn’t know that word, ‘buttocks’, but they look nice. MARCUS (Screaming.) YOU’RE LOOKING AT MY WIFE BUTTOCKS? AUGUSTUS You paid for this sculpture? For this sculptor to look at your wife glutes, walking, and also her sitting and standing, a lot? You paid in dinarius? Some money like that? MARCUS I studied Rome, as I said. I know what denarius are? Yes, I paid. Don’t you pay for work you have done? AUGUSTUS Greek slaves, as I mentioned. Slaves don’t get paid; and the Emperor, as I am, I also mentioned, doesn’t pay. MARCUS Nonsense, that you’re the Emperor of Rome! AUGUSTUS So why all this rip-wrap around the statue? If you think your wife’s beautiful… MARCUS I do. AUGUSTUS But you don’t want anyone to see her? BEATRICE (Laughing.) Now I wonder about that too. And anyway, the statue sits on our private lawn and no one sees it, except maybe at private parties and, not to mention the rip wrack, you covered it up with a tarp at the only party we’ve had since the statue was put in place. AUGUSTUS Your wife’s right! The statue of a real man’s wife sits proudly out by the road where everyone can see it because, wait, before we cover that, two more problems to pick with your paid sculptor. This statue is probably seven feet tall, and your wife, if this is she, is barely taller than my wife, not close to seven feet tall. MARCUS I directed that, told the sculptor… AUGUSTUS Why? Don’t you like the way your wife looks, not counting her breasts and midriff and the way she stands and sits and walks? BEATRICE Really? Nude statues of wives who are loved by their husbands were set out by the road? AUGUSTUS Of course. It was required, especially for those who truly loved their wives. MARCUS You have got to stop telling my wife I don’t love her; but she is for me to look at, not for you or anyone else. AUGUSTUS I’m looking at her now, the real thing and also at this seven foot statue. And why is this statue green? Your wife has lovely skin of her own, not green. Do you have a lot of green people around here? Do people turn green in season? MARCUS Enough. AUGUSTUS Fine. But I like the real thing better than the statue. It has more life in it. Young lady, you should call me Auggy. BEATRICE Auggy, that’s a nice nickname. AUGUSTUS And you, (to Mark), you should have found yourself a Greek sculptor slave. MARCUS They’re hard to find these days, around here. BEATRICE Why were the statues placed out by the road? MARCUS Don’t ask him stupid questions. Don’t ask him any questions. BEATRICE But there must be a reason for the statues being out by the road. AUGUSTUS Indeed, not a stupid question. An intelligent question for a wife. BEATRICE Intelligent for a wife? Let me tell you! I’ve read a little about Rome. You never educated your women. Your wives were stupid, I hear, not much better than statues or bimbos. AUGUSTUS What’s a bimbo? BEATRICE It’s like a statue but softer. (Augustus nods with understanding.) Greek women were educated. AUGUSTUS That’s too true, much more fun to talk to and hard to pin down, even when a slave. BEATRICE I bet. So you pinned your wives out on the road. AUGUSTUS The statues were a statement of fidelity, fealty to the emperor, a symbol that the wife and the family were beholden to and faithful to the Emperor. MARCUS I am not beholden to and don’t obey anyone. BEATRICE But you do. You are. You just did. When we got married I was managing health clinics and you promised to build more health clinics and you did, beautiful health clinics that were sorely needed. MARCUS (Proudly.) I did. We did. Didn’t we? It was very romantic. BEATRICE And then the emperor… MARCUS He’s not an emperor. BEATRICE A President who wants to be emperor; and HE said he didn’t like health clinics. He hates them. AUGUSTUS What’s a health clinic? BEATRICE A place where people come to get help to recover their health, when they’re sick or hurt. AUGUSTUS We have temples for that. So did the Greeks. A good idea. Why does he hate them? BEATRICE Because he hates, despises, people. AUGUSTUS He does not. He couldn’t. People are my subjects. Why would I hate them? BEATRICE He demanded that all our health clinics be closed. And (to Marcus) you closed them. MARCUS I had to. AUGUSTUS Because he’s the Emperor? I’m the Emperor. What he did was dumb. I’ll have to talk to MARCUS Crazy! Where are the guards? AUGUSTUS There are no guards to protect you against what you have done. BEATRICE He’s right. You betrayed me. What did they do in Rome for such a betrayal? AUGUSTUS See? Right there. When you have a betrayal, an intelligent and educated wife will want some consequences, some punishment. It’s very dangerous. BEATRICE I should have divorced you. I still should divorce you. You can make love to your statue. MARCUS The statue was for you. BEATRICE I don’t like it. I didn’t like being looked at during all that standing and sitting, and walking. MARCUS It was nothing. BEATRICE It was disgusting! And I don’t like all that peeking under the rip-wrap. AUGUSTUS Well, that’s something you should definitely not have to endure. BEATRICE But you were trying to peak under it. AUGUSTUS Only because it was there. I thought that’s what it was there for. BEATRICE I should have divorced you! AUGUSTUS Me? What’s that, divorced? BEATRICE Not you. Never mind. You wouldn’t understand. I should have left. MARCUS Me? No, please. I’ll get rid of the statue. Somehow, I’ll get rid of it. I promise. BEATRICE How? What are you going to do with it? It’s a seven foot tall piece of junk made out of stone, concrete, the heaviest substance on earth.. AUGUSTUS I think it’s cute, funny. I’ll take it back to Rome with me and I have to go now anyway. (He picks up the statue and, carrying it under his arm, exits.) MARCUS Really? Good idea. Deal! You’re not that bad a guy after all. How did you lift that? BEATRICE (To Augustus.) Thank you. (Augustus exits. To Marcus.) And you. You’re doing that sucking up to the emperor thing again. MARCUS H’s not the Emperor. BEATRICE Anyway, Auggy, whoever he is, just picked it up and walked off. I thought it was stone, very heavy. MARCUS I don’t know. I paid for stone. END About the Author
The Statue
him. Where can I find him?
Leonard D Goodisman was Development Director at the Odd Duck/ Eclectic theater and Artistic Director at the Pocket theater in Seattle. He has played many roles in the theater. Foremost, he is a playwright, interested in plays about people with limited opportunities who go on to something of greatness, also those who have or have received great backing but have nothing to give. He has written 40 fulls and about 80 shorts with 10 fulls produced and many more shorts.
