where the heart breaks

CHARACTERS:

LUCAS – boyfriend of Sebastian.
SEBASTIAN – boyfriend of Lucas.

SETTING:

Lucas and Sebastian’s apartment.

TIME:

Close to midnight.

SCRIPT NOTE:

The railroad track symbol (//) means the next line picks up immediately. This is only used once.

…all can confess to be home and waiting,
all is the same and we drift into the clear sky enthralled
by our disappointment
never to be alone again
never to be loved
sailing through space: didn’t I have you once for my self?
-Frank O’Hara

(SEBASTIAN sits at home, reading or scrolling. Two mugs of tea sit in front of him.
After a moment, the front door of the apartment opens and closes.LUCAS walks in.

From the way they don’t jump to greet each other, it’s clear there’s tension. … Finally:)

SEBASTIAN

Hi.

LUCAS

Hi.

(Long uncomfortable silence. LUCAS removes his bag, coat, and shoes.)

SEBASTIAN

How was it?

LUCAS

Fine.

SEBASTIAN

How was Gabe?

LUCAS

He’s good.

SEBASTIAN

That’s good.

(LUCAS has sat down by this point.)

SEBASTIAN

What did he have to say?

(Pause.)

LUCAS

You really wanna know?

SEBASTIAN

I care to.

LUCAS

Well… I told him about us. About the fighting. About the miscommunication and how often it’s happening and how tired I am and… I said all of it.

SEBASTIAN

I’m sure it felt good to vent.

LUCAS

Yup. That’s what friends are for. To talk to.

(Pause.)

SEBASTIAN

Did he have any advice?

LUCAS

Actually, yeah. Gabe said that you’re much more like him, and I’m much more like Connor. Gabe doesn’t really need a lot. And Connor is…sensitive. So when I told him it felt like you weren’t communicating with me, he said the best thing he learned in couple’s counseling with Connor was— How did he put it?

(LUCAS thinks…)

LUCAS

Uh… It helped Gabe to understand that when Connor needed to hear certain things from Gabe, Connor wasn’t expecting Gabe to communicate in the same style as Connor. Connor just wanted Gabe to be Gabe, and to talk that way. And that lifted some pressure off of Gabe to, more or less, perform in a way that he perceived Connor was asking him to… Does that make sense?

SEBASTIAN

Yeah, I think so.

(Beat.)

LUCAS

So maybe we should try that?

SEBASTIAN

Okay…

(Beat.)

SEBASTIAN

I made you tea.

(LUCAS sees the tea, but doesn’t reach forit…)

LUCAS

I came to my own realization though…

(Beat.)

LUCAS

I feel like we’re avoiding the conversation.

SEBASTIAN

Which one?

LUCAS

You know which one.

SEBASTIAN

I think it’s fair in a conversation about communication to speak plainly, so tell me which one.

LUCAS

We’re avoiding the breakup conversation. And what I realized is that if we keep doing that, the only inevitable outcome will be a breakup. But if we have the conversation, maybe there’s—Maybe there’s still a chance for us to understand each other.

SEBASTIAN

Was this your realization or—

LUCAS

This was mine. Gabe had nothing to do with it.

SEBASTIAN

Right.

LUCAS

I’m telling the truth.

SEBASTIAN

Yeah, you sound a little eager about it.

LUCAS

I’m not eager! It’s not like I want to have the conversation!

SEBASTIAN

Well, it feels like you do!

LUCAS

And it feels like you’re doing everything to avoid and deflect it!

(They both realize they’re starting to get heated…)

LUCAS

What scares you about talking about it?

SEBASTIAN

Nothing—

LUCAS

I don’t believe that.

SEBASTIAN

Just drink your tea.

LUCAS

Tell me what scares you.

SEBASTIAN

Maybe because it’s uncomfortable?? Maybe because I’m uncomfortable!

LUCAS

Well, guess what? I’m uncomfortable, too. How about we do this together then? Please?

SEBASTIAN

What? Just hypothesize together what a breakup would feel like? What that might

entail? Who gets to move out, and where they get to go? Outline the high highs and low lows of four years together.

(LUCAS thinks…)

LUCAS

Yes? Maybe?

SEBASTIAN

It’s late.

LUCAS

And this conversation is overdue. So if not now, then when?

(SEBASTIAN won’t look at LUCAS.)

LUCAS

While I was talking to Gabe, I found myself finally putting words to some really fucking complicated feelings, and it felt good to do that. And then I got depressed about the fact that as liberating as that felt, the person I really wanted to be problem-solving with was you. But you have done everything in your power to avoid this. And then I realized… I love you. I love you. I really, really do. But I don’t love us… What we’ve become.
(SEBASTIAN gets up and starts walking out of the room. This triggers LUCAS.)

LUCAS

Don’t do that!!

SEBASTIAN

(turning:) You’re asking too much of me!

(Beat.)

LUCAS

Well, then, if that’s really the case, if I’m really asking too much of you, my partner… Maybe it’s only fair to you—to both of us—that I leave.

SEBASTIAN

WHY IS THAT YOUR ONLY SOLUTION?

LUCAS

BECAUSE YOU’RE LITERALLY WALKING AWAY. Because I’m the only one doing any of the thinking! Any of the communicating! So why would I continue doing twice the amount of work when I’m fucking tired?

SEBASTIAN

The way you talk about breaking up or leaving— You’re acting like if you leave, there’s suddenly a whole goddamn world out there who will give you everything. Everything you’re demanding of me. But you’re not going to find anyone who can keep up with your ridiculously fucking high standards.

LUCAS

You’re wrong!

SEBASTIAN

Really? You really think so?

LUCAS

Yes! Because I already know these people. I know these people exist. I already have these people in my life. AJ and Kyla and Addison and Marc. I can go on and on and fucking on. And who do you have?

SEBASTIAN

That’s not fair! It’s not fair how many times you use that against me!

LUCAS

That you have no friends?

SEBASTIAN

I have friends!

LUCAS

You have coworkers. Who you never hang out with. Are those friends?

SEBASTIAN

To me, yes! To me, those are my friends. I’m not extroverted like you!

LUCAS

No! No. It’s “not fair” how many times you try using that.

SEBASTIAN

It’s true.

LUCAS

It’s lazy! There’s a difference between being introverted and being lazy, and this is one of those moments.

SEBASTIAN

You asked me who I have in my life. It’s not my fault if you don’t like the answer.

LUCAS

It’s a bad answer.

SEBASTIAN

But regardless, it’s true! I don’t give a shit if I only see them at work. Maybe that’s all I need from them? Have you ever fucking thought of that?

LUCAS

That can’t be enough for you.

SEBASTIAN

Just because it’s not enough for you…

(Beat.)

LUCAS

The people in my life know how to talk to me. The people in my life love me the way you and I are supposed to love each other. And they do it effortlessly. It’s never me asking “too much” of them, and they never complain about these “standards” you say that I have. They just love me, and they don’t gaslight me that I’m a difficult person to know.

SEBASTIAN

I’m not gaslighting you.

LUCAS

No, I guess you’re right. Because to gaslight me, you’d actually need to care enough about this relationship to put in the effort!

SEBASTIAN

I am putting in effort! You’re just selfish and controlling!

LUCAS

Fuck off!

SEBASTIAN

I… I just…

(SEBASTIAN clearly gets flustered, and it genuinely hurts LUCAS to see him get stuck on his thoughts. SEBASTIAN sits on the floor and buries his head in his arms.)

LUCAS

Hey…

(SEBASTIAN doesn’t respond.)

LUCAS

Can we… Just… Let’s rewind a second.

(SEBASTIAN slowly comes backup…)

LUCAS

Can you please tell me… Please tell me what scares you about this conversation.

SEBASTIAN

What scares me?

LUCAS

Please.

SEBASTIAN

You. You do.

LUCAS

What do you mean?

SEBASTIAN

The fact that you always have something to say. The fact that whatever I say isn’t good enough. The fact that every conversation is just a court battle that you’ve self-appointed yourself as the judge, jury, and executioner. You scare me because you’re only out to kill me with your questions.

LUCAS

That’s not true. I just want to know—

SEBASTIAN

No. No you don’t. You don’t just want to know anything. You want to be mean. Your questions are mean. You are mean.

LUCAS

Well, it can’t be any meaner than how you get with me when you’re drunk.

SEBASTIAN

AND THERE IT IS. Constantly remind me of my faults, no matter how much fucking

work I’ve put into taking accountability—

LUCAS

Accountability, my ass! Just because you’re getting blackout drunk less frequently than you used to, you think you’ve acquired accountability? Responsibility? WAKE UP! But, actually, you know what, at least that version of you actually likes having difficult conversations. He loves arguing. So maybe you should go have a few shots and come back. Then we’ll be able to talk about this!

SEBASTIAN

WE WEREN’T EVEN TALKING ABOUT MY DRINKING!

LUCAS

IT ALL FEELS RELEVANT TO ME! IT’S ALL GONE TO SHIT ANYWAY!

(Pause.)

SEBASTIAN

Are you proud of yourself?

LUCAS

Immensely.

SEBASTIAN

That’s sad. That’s really sad.

LUCAS

Well, I’m sad. And you should be, too.

SEBASTIAN

I never said I wasn’t.

LUCAS

You could fool me.

SEBASTIAN

I told you it’s late. I didn’t want to have this conversation—

LUCAS

AND THERE IT IS! There it fucking is! Right there! What have I been saying?

SEBASTIAN

I didn’t mean it like that—

LUCAS

You never mean it like anything, do you?

SEBASTIAN

I was just saying—

LUCAS

You weren’t saying shit. You were finding your way out of this, AGAIN.

SEBASTIAN

Stop cutting me off!

LUCAS

I will when you finally start listening to me!

SEBASTIAN

I am!

LUCAS

No, you’re not. There’s a // difference between hearing and listening—

SEBASTIAN

Difference between hearing and listening. See!

LUCAS

That’s fucking rude.

SEBASTIAN

If I never listen to you, how did I know what you were about to say?

LUCAS

Maybe because you’ve reduced me to a broken record.

SEBASTIAN

Trust me, I’m not the one putting you on repeat. You just never shut up about what you think it means for me to listen to you.

LUCAS

Fuck you!

SEBASTIAN

Sure, fuck me. That’s all you know how to say.

LUCAS

My therapist was right.

SEBASTIAN

Oh, well that’s a new one!

LUCAS

Kathryn says you benefit from how much talking and thinking and sharing I do for the both of us. How you get to ride on the coattails of my emotional intelligence. How complacent you’ve become with being MUTE and BORING and DULL.

(LUCAS hits those words hard. Maybe harder than any other words yet. SEBASTIAN is stunned.)

SEBASTIAN

She didn’t— She didn’t use those words.

LUCAS

No, I am.

SEBASTIAN

(through tears:) Well… Well… You’re mean. You’re stubborn and selfish and relentless. You are constant and draining and exhausting. You’re never happy anymore, I see that. I see that every fucking day. And I’ve stopped… I’ve stopped trying to help you because after these last four years, after every time I’ve tried your methods… All you do anymore is speak down to me. And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of how you’ve even started physically pushing me away.

But I finally realized recently… For as much as you talk about wanting to fix things, for as much as you call yourself solution oriented… You’re too scared shitless to actually do anything.

You just want the twisted thrill and adrenaline fix of whatever fucking stimulation this is. And then you’ll be fine in the morning. It’ll fuel you for two more days, at most, and then you’ll be back to tell me again about how we need to break up. You’re an emotionally battered junkie.

And I’m just hoping that the kind, genuinely empathetic man in there hears me. Because I love him. Enough to be infinitely patient with him while he figures out his way in this world. So you tell me. What are YOU afraid of?

(LUCAS is taken aback… He finally finds his words.)

LUCAS

Honestly?

SEBASTIAN

Yes.

LUCAS

Honestly… What I’m fucking afraid of…

I’m fucking terrified of being alone in this world. More afraid of being alone than of dying. Because being alone looks like such a sad existence from here. It looks like failure and defeat. And because of that, I’m fucking terrified of how dependent I’ve become of having someone next to me. Whether or not that person is slowly making me implode… And I’m terrified of what it might feel like if I decide to free myself from this implosion. How potentially liberating that might be. Because, ultimately, to free myself just means I’m back to square-fucking-one: alone.

And I can’t… I can’t be alone right now because… Because I don’t think I’ve grown into much of a person on my own yet. I still haven’t come into myself yet, I don’t think. And to be alone means I will have to face myself… And I’m terrified of how much of a disappointment I’ll see when I finally decide to look in a mirror.

So all this talk of being selfish. About being selfish and needing so much from you. You’re right. I am selfish. I’m being selfish by staying in this relationship because I’m not ready to face myself by myself.

And I’m desperately hoping that somehow you’ll convince me that staying in this relationship will be less painful than me heading out there alone.

(The room has become quite sober. This is the most honest they’ve been in a long, long time. The feeling, the truth, is paralyzing. It’s okay if they take a full minute or two to process in silence…)

(LUCAS finally moves. He goes and puts his shoes on.)

SEBASTIAN

Where are you going?

LUCAS

I’ll… find somewhere to stay tonight.

(LUCAS grabs his bag and coat.)

SEBASTIAN

It’s late… Please stay home.

(LUCAS and SEBASTIAN stare at each other a moment longer…)
(LUCAS looks toward the door…)

BLACKOUT
END OF PLAY

About the Author

Gianfranco Lentini (he/him) is a NYC-based queer playwright, teacher, and First Generation Italian American. His work has been developed and produced from North Carolina to Toronto, as well as published by The Coachella Review, Mini Plays Review, and Molecule Literary Magazine. He is currently an Adjunct Professor at NYU Tisch, a Wendy Wasserstein Project Representative for TDF, and a proud Member of the Dramatists Guild of America. You can learn more at heygianfranco.com.